Bent, not Broken: ch 19
Title: Bent, Not Broken
Chapters: 19/25 + epilogue
Fandoms: SS501, Super Junior, TVXQ, FT Island (cameo only)
Pairings: KyuJong/JungMin, YeSung/RyeoWook, HyunJoong/YoungSaeng, onesided!YunHo/YoungSaeng, past!YunHo/HeeBon
Rating: R overall
Warnings: Substance abuse, homophobia, character death, harsh subject matter
Summary: Happiness isn't easy to find when the world tells you that you don't deserve it. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to realize happiness was in front of you the whole time.
TAG LIST
It didn't take much convincing for HyunJoong to get YoungSaeng to stay with him longer, especially with KyuJong out of town. Over the next couple days, he invited YoungSaeng over whenever he wasn't working. Sometimes they just talked, sometimes they couldn't catch their breath long enough to talk. It was clear HyunJoong was doing his best to make YoungSaeng feel comfortable.
"How's your story going?" HyunJoong asked, stretched out on the couch. He tugged YoungSaeng closer to him.
"Better, I think," YoungSaeng said, not protesting as he laid his head on HyunJoong's chest. "I've been thinking a lot about my dilemma.. and honestly I don't have to make a clear opinion right? I mean, I shouldn't have to spell out where I stand on something."
"If you want to go that route, no," HyunJoong ran his fingers lazily through YoungSaeng's soft hair. "Could make it an information piece, or pros and cons."
"I know my editor is going to expect an opinion piece, that's what the assignment was," YoungSaeng sighed, closing his eyes. "I think more informational and less opinion is the way to go honestly. Otherwise I'll just be hitting my head on my keyboard for another week in frustration."
"If you're not sure of the opinion they want you to give, it'll be less of a headache to ignore the fact they want an opinion piece. And you don't end up lying on anything," HyunJoong murmured.
"Yeah... I'd rather they have given me a stupid educational piece again instead of this," YoungSaeng replied with a snort. "Hell, I'll interview idols instead of this."
"You might take that back after a couple interviews," HyunJoong smirked. "Maybe you could come onto my radio station, we could do a joint project."
"And deal with your fangirls? No thank you," YoungSaeng shook his head slightly. "I'm a little surprised you haven't been pulled out of radio to go be an MC somewhere. You've got the face for television."
"I've had a couple offers, but I'm happy where I am," HyunJoong replied. "The company's lenient with me, let's me get away with saying…probably more than I should. Never been the type to censor my words. I don't think any MC position would give me the same opportunities."
"Guess it depends on the show," YoungSaeng said, one eye opening when he heard his phone going off in his bag. "How much you want to bet that's work asking me where my first draft is."
"I'll get you some alcohol if it is," HyunJoong snorted, poking at his side. "Should probably answer that. Unless you want to play sick."
"I'll take a bottle of soju for my troubles," YoungSaeng grumbled, sitting up. He rolled over HyunJoong, pressing a quick kiss to his lips as he passed before going to his bag. Pulling out his phone from the side pocket, he frowned at the display. "... It's my mom," he said, lips thin as he answered and put the phone to his ear. "Hi, wha-" YoungSaeng wasn't even able to get through the second word as he was cut off. His tense expression fell, eyebrows knitting in confusion. "Wait.. wait.. slow down," he said, a hand coming up to the side of his neck as he looked down at the floor. "What do you mean? What happened?"
Legs feeling like jelly, he could barely hear the words through the sobbing of his mother. "He... he's gone," she hiccuped through the line. "It was his heart... there was nothing they could do.."
"He's... he's dead?" YoungSaeng whispered, sitting down hard on the floor. Whatever his mother was saying he could hear, the phone in his hand hanging limply at his side.
"…YoungSaeng?" HyunJoong had sat up the instant YoungSaeng fell to the floor. Eyebrow's knit in worry, he stood and walked over. "Saeng, what…what happened?" He asked quietly, kneeling down next to him. There were still words coming from the phone, muffled and unintelligible.
"My dad... he's dead," YoungSaeng replied, not even looking up at HyunJoong.
"…Oh," HyunJoong's eyes widened. "I…I'm sorry. Do you need to go somewhere? See your mom? I can bring you."
"No.. I.. I need to go," YoungSaeng shook his head, getting to his feet. Hanging up the phone, he stuffed it into his bag and pulled it over his shoulder. "I just.. I have to go."
"Okay…okay." HyunJoong stood up, watching him uncertainly. "Call me if you need anything."
YoungSaeng nodded mutely, not even looking at HyunJoong as he passed by to go to the door. He paused at the door, hand reaching for the handle for a brief moment before opening and going through, closing it behind him.
Getting back home was a blur, YoungSaeng not even sure if he had taken the train or hailed a taxi. Reality didn't quite catch up to him until he was back on his couch, staring at the wall in disbelief. He knew his phone had rang several times, but he was sure it was his mom again and he didn't want to talk to her. There were only two people in the world he wanted to talk to at that moment and neither were there. Looking down at the phone in his hand, he called the first person he thought of, hoping his best friend would answer.
KyuJong picked up after the third ring, talking audible in the background. "Hi? YoungSaeng? How's everything?"
"...Kyu... why aren't you here?" YoungSaeng asked, his voice catching a little.
There was silence for a moment on the other end. "…Saeng? Are you crying?" KyuJong scrambled to find a quieter place to take the call. "What's wrong?"
"He's gone Kyu. He's gone, he died..." YoungSaeng fought valiantly against the tears, his lip trembling.
"What? Who's dead?" KyuJong asked.
"My dad... a heart attack," YoungSaeng said, closing his eyes and leaning back into the couch. "I just found out."
"…Oh…Saeng…" the other end of the line was quiet now, KyuJong's voice shocked. "Where are you right now? Are you with your mom?"
"No, I'm at the apartment," YoungSaeng said. "I was Hyun's when she called... I don't know if I can go home Kyu."
"Why…? Saeng, do you want me to come back?" KyuJong asked quietly. "I can be on the train for tomorrow morning…tonight."
"... No, no," Youngsaeng shook his head as he got to his feet and began to pace around the living room. "You had stuff you needed to work on... I think I just need to be alone. I'll let you know when the funeral is soon as I know okay?"
"Are you sure? Saeng, I don't think you should be alone right now."
"Why?" YoungSaeng frowned, eyes narrowing. "Why shouldn't I be alone Kyu? You don't think I should be able to grieve for my father on my own?"
There was a pause. "I, I do. But I'm worried about you Saeng."
"You don't need to worry about me, I'll be fine," YoungSaeng said. "I'll talk to you later." Not giving KyuJong a chance to respond, he hung, tossing his phone over onto the couch. The way KyuJong had insinuated he couldn't be trusted to be alone set YoungSaeng's teeth on edge. As if he was a child who needed looked after. He didn't need to be looked after, he would be fine.
He would especially be fine since he had found the hidden liquor and downed half a bottle of soju before making up his mind about something. Grabbing his keys, YoungSaeng left his apartment again. He was pretty sure he'd be questioned upon arriving back at HyunJoong's again but he didn't care, he wasn't there to talk. He pressed the buzzer to HyunJoong's apartment repeatedly, waiting for a response.
HyunJoong answered the insistent ringing before YoungSaeng could keep going, the intercom crackling to life. "Hello?"
"Hey... let me in," YoungSaeng said. "Kyu says I shouldn't be alone right now."
"YoungSaeng? Door's open," HyunJoong didn't hesitate to unlock the door for him.
By the time YoungSaeng got to HyunJoong's apartment, the older man was waiting in the doorway for him, eyebrow's knit in worry. "Hey…how're you feeling?"
"Fine," YoungSaeng said curtly, pushing HyunJoong into the apartment and closing the door. He didn't even hesitate, wrapping his fingers into HyunJoong's shirt and pulling him into a searing kiss.
Surprised, it was a moment before HyunJoong pulled away. Hands on YoungSaeng's hips, he frowned down at him. "…You've been drinking." He could taste the soju in YoungSaeng's mouth.
"Yeah, is that a problem?" YoungSaeng asked, unbuttoning HyunJoong's shirt. "A couple shots of soju isn't enough to get me drunk."
"I think you are." HyunJoong caught YoungSaeng's hands before he could unbutton the shirt all the way. "Your alcohol tolerance is crap. What are you doing?"
"... What does it look like?" YoungSaeng said, looking up into HyunJoong's eyes. "I don't want to think right now."
HyunJoong was frowning. "…Are you sure?"
"If you don't stop talking I'm leaving and never coming back," YoungSaeng replied, pulling his hands out of HyunJoong's grip and restarting on the man' shirt.
The older man still didn't look all that convinced, but he shook his head at YoungSaeng's words. "Stay with me," he murmured, ducking his head to kiss YoungSaeng. His mouth moved against the other man's, hands running along YoungSaeng's back and keeping him close.
Returning the kiss, YoungSaeng finished unbuttoning HyunJoong's shirt, sliding his hands up the man's chest to push the material off his shoulders. With HyunJoong's arms around him though he couldn't remove the shirt entirely so he switched to the man's pants, undoing the button and zipper.
HyunJoong started on YoungSaeng's own shirt, pulling the material up as he ducked his head to kiss along his jawline. "Come on," he murmured, drawing YoungSaeng away from the door. He brought the younger man into his bedroom and up to the bed, sitting down to tug YoungSaeng into his lap.
YoungSaeng complied, straddling HyunJoong's thighs as he pulled his shirt off over his head. Throwing it on the floor, he brought his hands up to frame HyunJoong's jaw, looking into his eyes for a moment before leaning in to renew the heated kiss.
Deepening the kiss right away, HyunJoong ran his fingers through YoungSaeng's hair and trailed them down his spine to settle in the middle of his back. After a long kiss he twisted his upper body around, bringing YoungSaeng to lie down on the sheets. "Still okay?" he murmured, kissing him between words.
YoungSaeng made a small sound of affirmation, rolling his hips up against HyunJoong's to make his point clear.
Biting YoungSaeng's lower lip lightly in retaliation, HyunJoong pulled back enough to look down at the younger man. His breathing uneven, his hand slipped between them to start taking off YoungSaeng's jeans. He made short work of the rest of their clothes, the material ending up strewn across the bedroom floor.
It was clear HyunJoong was still giving YoungSaeng time to back out if he had a sudden change of heart. He also took more time preparing him for what was to come, seeing YoungSaeng had never been with another man before. Hooking one of YoungSaeng's legs over his shoulder when the younger didn't show any signs of wanting to stop, he whispered words of encouragement until YoungSaeng's cries drowned him out.
It was some time later when the bedroom was silent again, both of them stretched out on the large bed. The sun was closer to the horizon, casting long shadows into the room. HyunJoong absently played with YoungSaeng's hair, something he seemed fond of doing as he pressed light kisses to the other man's lips.
The kisses were returned, though they weren't as insistent as before. He sighed a little, turning his head to the side and rolling away from HyunJoong to curl up around a pillow. "I have to go," he said quietly, looking towards the window.
Blinking, HyunJoong watched YoungSaeng's back with a small frown. "Why?" he murmured.
"I.. I'm going to have to go home," YoungSaeng said. "I'll need to pack and I need to call YunHo and let him know and... I just have so much I'm going to have to do."
"Okay…" HyunJoong slowly sat up, resting his elbows on his knees as he looked at the other man. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"... Bring my dad back?" YoungSaeng said, his shoulder shaking a little. "No, there really isn't anything anyone can do right now."
"…" HyunJoong was silent for a moment, before reaching out and resting a hand lightly on YoungSaeng's shoulder. "Okay. Just…let me know if there's anything you need. You have my number, I'll always answer."
"Thanks," YoungSaeng nodded, finally sitting up. Scrounging for his clothes on the floor, he got dressed without looking up at HyunJoong. "I don't know how long... I just need some time I guess. We'll talk later... I'm sorry if I just... If I'm just all over the place right now. I can't seem to think straight."
HyunJoong didn't move from the bed, just watching him. "It's fine…do you want me to walk you back?"
"No, no, it's fine," YoungSaeng shook his head, smoothing down his shirt. "I um... I just need to be alone I guess. Sorry." Turning around, he headed for the door, stopping before he left the room. "I'm sorry, I just don't think I can do this anymore," he said, stepping out of the room and heading for the front door.
"…Wait, what?" HyunJoong got up to follow him at that. He grabbed his boxers on the way, tugging them on and leaving the bedroom. "What do you mean?"
"I mean... this is wrong," YoungSaeng said, stuffing his feet in his shoes. "This isn't what I'm supposed to be doing, this isn't what my father would want for me. I have a responsibility to him."
"YoungSaeng, wouldn't your father want you to be happy?" HyunJoong asked, an exasperated note in his voice. "This isn't wrong. Nothing about this is wrong."
"Yes it is. If this wasn't wrong he'd still be alive and I'd be able to tell him," YoungSaeng said, shaking his head. "But he's not and I can't. I'm sorry HyunJoong..." Pushing down the tears again, YoungSaeng reached for the front door and opened it.
"Why did you even come here?" HyunJoong asked after him. He was angry now. "Was all that just out of pity for me, for trying so damn hard?"
YoungSaeng stopped, hands shaking as he clenched his fists. "This doesn't have anything to do with you. I don't... I don't know why I came here. I thought if I knew... that it would be okay but it's not okay."
"No, it's not okay, because you keep running away." HyunJoong turned away from him. "Whatever. You do what you want, YoungSaeng. I'm done trying." He went back into his bedroom.
YoungSaeng watched him go until the apartment door slowly closed on him. It seemed like no matter what he did, he turned everything into a mess. Shoulders slumping, he turned back around and made his way to the elevator. It was later when he'd returned home that he belatedly realized his phone wasn't on him, nor was it in the apartment.
At some point it had fallen out of his pocket at HyunJoong's. He had no way of calling his mother, or KyuJong, or anyone. For the first time in years he was completely alone with no one to turn to. He curled up on the living room floor, wishing his life was a dream he could wake up from.
It was fifteen minutes later when the bell sounded for the door downstairs. There was a brief pause before it sounded again.
It took a lot of effort before YoungSaeng finally lifted himself up off the floor, looking towards the door with a frown. A small voice wished it was HyunJoong, but there was no way it would be him. Trudging over to the door, he pressed the button to the speaker. "Yes?"
"YoungSaeng?" a gentle voice answered, filled with worry. "Can I come in?"
YoungSaeng blinked a little. Well he wasn't expecting that. "YunHo? Yeah... sure." Pressing the door release, he unlocked his front door and went to sit down on the couch, knees tucked to his chest and arms around his legs.
A minute later, the front door clicked open and swung inward. YunHo stepped into the apartment, closing the door again behind him. "Hey…" He slipped off his shoes and made his way over, sitting down on the couch next to YoungSaeng.
"…KyuJong called," he said after a pause. He didn't ask if YoungSaeng was okay, eyes on YoungSaeng's face.
Lips quirking a little at that, YoungSaeng snorted out a dry laugh. "Even in another city he finds a way to make sure someone's here to mother over me," he said. "You didn't have to come by, I'll be fine."
YunHo exhaled slowly before resting his hand on YoungSaeng's arm. "You might be able to hide it from them, but you can't hide it from me," he said quietly, looking into YoungSaeng's eyes.
"If only you knew," YoungSaeng mumbled, sighing bitterly. "I don't know what to do YunHo... he's gone. I just talked to him the other day and he was fine. I had so many things I wanted to say to him and now I can't."
"I know," YunHo murmured. There was little he could say to help; he knew that shallow words of 'comfort' wouldn't mean anything then. He did wrap his arm around YoungSaeng's shoulders, not moving away from the other man's side. "What did you want to say to him?"
"... It doesn't really matter," YoungSaeng said, closing his eyes. "It's just knowing that I'll never talk to him again...that's the hard part."
YunHo closed his eyes as well, running his hand slowly along YoungSaeng's shoulder soothingly. "It won't get any easier tomorrow…next week…or even a month from now. But I think he would want you to be happy, no matter how long it takes."
"Why does everyone keep saying that?" YoungSaeng said, shaking his head. "As if any of you knew my father and what he wanted. Nothing in his plan for me involved being happy."
"I don't think there's any parent out there who would want their child to be miserable," YunHo murmured.
"Of course not, parents do things with the best intentions," YoungSaeng said. "Doesn't have anything to do with happiness."
"It should." YunHo opened his eyes to look down at YoungSaeng. "Why would you think he didn't want you to be happy?"
"He never wanted me to be a writer," YoungSaeng replied. "He says there's no money in it and I should have worked harder in school to do something better. He didn't want me going to school for music in the first place.. it's why I gave up being a lyricist. I thought he would be happy that I decided to take on a more meaningful career but he was disappointed in me."
"But in the end, it's your life, not his," YunHo murmured quietly. "You know…my parents thought the same about being a photographer…not even a contracted photographer, but a freelancer, without a steady payroll. They thought I was crazy…but they were just worried about me, and my ability to provide for myself. If I'd end up homeless and hungry one day." He rubbed YoungSaeng's arm slowly. "You can still make him proud, by proving his worry wrong."
"But I'll never have his blessing," YoungSaeng said, shaking his head. "He died being disappointed in me. That I never married or had grandchildren for him and that I wasn't prospering and taking care of him. I failed as a son."
"No." YunHo shook his head too. "You didn't fail him, YoungSaeng. You're being your own person, that's worth more than anything else."
"Not to him," YoungSaeng said, looking away. "If you don't mind, I really just want to be alone right now. It's... been a bad day."
"Are you sure?" the other man asked quietly. "I'll be back tomorrow with something to eat."
"Don't bother, I need to go home and be with my mom," YoungSaeng said.
"Okay," YunHo nodded, watching YoungSaeng's face. He squeezed the other man's shoulder lightly. "Just…give me a call whenever you need to talk…or for any reason at all. I'm always here for you."
"I know... but there's some things I just need to get through on my own," YoungSaeng said, glancing over at him. "Thank you."
YunHo's smile was sad. "Trust me…it's not good or easy to try getting through something like this on your own." He slowly stood, looking back down at YoungSaeng. "My door's always open. Travel safely."
"I'll call you when I get back," YoungSaeng nodded, watching him go. When YunHo had finally gone and the door was closed, YoungSaeng curled up on the couch, staring blankly at the wall. If YunHo had stuck around outside the door, he would have heard the sobs, YoungSaeng letting the grief finally catch up to him.
Chapters: 19/25 + epilogue
Fandoms: SS501, Super Junior, TVXQ, FT Island (cameo only)
Pairings: KyuJong/JungMin, YeSung/RyeoWook, HyunJoong/YoungSaeng, onesided!YunHo/YoungSaeng, past!YunHo/HeeBon
Rating: R overall
Warnings: Substance abuse, homophobia, character death, harsh subject matter
Summary: Happiness isn't easy to find when the world tells you that you don't deserve it. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to realize happiness was in front of you the whole time.
TAG LIST
It didn't take much convincing for HyunJoong to get YoungSaeng to stay with him longer, especially with KyuJong out of town. Over the next couple days, he invited YoungSaeng over whenever he wasn't working. Sometimes they just talked, sometimes they couldn't catch their breath long enough to talk. It was clear HyunJoong was doing his best to make YoungSaeng feel comfortable.
"How's your story going?" HyunJoong asked, stretched out on the couch. He tugged YoungSaeng closer to him.
"Better, I think," YoungSaeng said, not protesting as he laid his head on HyunJoong's chest. "I've been thinking a lot about my dilemma.. and honestly I don't have to make a clear opinion right? I mean, I shouldn't have to spell out where I stand on something."
"If you want to go that route, no," HyunJoong ran his fingers lazily through YoungSaeng's soft hair. "Could make it an information piece, or pros and cons."
"I know my editor is going to expect an opinion piece, that's what the assignment was," YoungSaeng sighed, closing his eyes. "I think more informational and less opinion is the way to go honestly. Otherwise I'll just be hitting my head on my keyboard for another week in frustration."
"If you're not sure of the opinion they want you to give, it'll be less of a headache to ignore the fact they want an opinion piece. And you don't end up lying on anything," HyunJoong murmured.
"Yeah... I'd rather they have given me a stupid educational piece again instead of this," YoungSaeng replied with a snort. "Hell, I'll interview idols instead of this."
"You might take that back after a couple interviews," HyunJoong smirked. "Maybe you could come onto my radio station, we could do a joint project."
"And deal with your fangirls? No thank you," YoungSaeng shook his head slightly. "I'm a little surprised you haven't been pulled out of radio to go be an MC somewhere. You've got the face for television."
"I've had a couple offers, but I'm happy where I am," HyunJoong replied. "The company's lenient with me, let's me get away with saying…probably more than I should. Never been the type to censor my words. I don't think any MC position would give me the same opportunities."
"Guess it depends on the show," YoungSaeng said, one eye opening when he heard his phone going off in his bag. "How much you want to bet that's work asking me where my first draft is."
"I'll get you some alcohol if it is," HyunJoong snorted, poking at his side. "Should probably answer that. Unless you want to play sick."
"I'll take a bottle of soju for my troubles," YoungSaeng grumbled, sitting up. He rolled over HyunJoong, pressing a quick kiss to his lips as he passed before going to his bag. Pulling out his phone from the side pocket, he frowned at the display. "... It's my mom," he said, lips thin as he answered and put the phone to his ear. "Hi, wha-" YoungSaeng wasn't even able to get through the second word as he was cut off. His tense expression fell, eyebrows knitting in confusion. "Wait.. wait.. slow down," he said, a hand coming up to the side of his neck as he looked down at the floor. "What do you mean? What happened?"
Legs feeling like jelly, he could barely hear the words through the sobbing of his mother. "He... he's gone," she hiccuped through the line. "It was his heart... there was nothing they could do.."
"He's... he's dead?" YoungSaeng whispered, sitting down hard on the floor. Whatever his mother was saying he could hear, the phone in his hand hanging limply at his side.
"…YoungSaeng?" HyunJoong had sat up the instant YoungSaeng fell to the floor. Eyebrow's knit in worry, he stood and walked over. "Saeng, what…what happened?" He asked quietly, kneeling down next to him. There were still words coming from the phone, muffled and unintelligible.
"My dad... he's dead," YoungSaeng replied, not even looking up at HyunJoong.
"…Oh," HyunJoong's eyes widened. "I…I'm sorry. Do you need to go somewhere? See your mom? I can bring you."
"No.. I.. I need to go," YoungSaeng shook his head, getting to his feet. Hanging up the phone, he stuffed it into his bag and pulled it over his shoulder. "I just.. I have to go."
"Okay…okay." HyunJoong stood up, watching him uncertainly. "Call me if you need anything."
YoungSaeng nodded mutely, not even looking at HyunJoong as he passed by to go to the door. He paused at the door, hand reaching for the handle for a brief moment before opening and going through, closing it behind him.
Getting back home was a blur, YoungSaeng not even sure if he had taken the train or hailed a taxi. Reality didn't quite catch up to him until he was back on his couch, staring at the wall in disbelief. He knew his phone had rang several times, but he was sure it was his mom again and he didn't want to talk to her. There were only two people in the world he wanted to talk to at that moment and neither were there. Looking down at the phone in his hand, he called the first person he thought of, hoping his best friend would answer.
KyuJong picked up after the third ring, talking audible in the background. "Hi? YoungSaeng? How's everything?"
"...Kyu... why aren't you here?" YoungSaeng asked, his voice catching a little.
There was silence for a moment on the other end. "…Saeng? Are you crying?" KyuJong scrambled to find a quieter place to take the call. "What's wrong?"
"He's gone Kyu. He's gone, he died..." YoungSaeng fought valiantly against the tears, his lip trembling.
"What? Who's dead?" KyuJong asked.
"My dad... a heart attack," YoungSaeng said, closing his eyes and leaning back into the couch. "I just found out."
"…Oh…Saeng…" the other end of the line was quiet now, KyuJong's voice shocked. "Where are you right now? Are you with your mom?"
"No, I'm at the apartment," YoungSaeng said. "I was Hyun's when she called... I don't know if I can go home Kyu."
"Why…? Saeng, do you want me to come back?" KyuJong asked quietly. "I can be on the train for tomorrow morning…tonight."
"... No, no," Youngsaeng shook his head as he got to his feet and began to pace around the living room. "You had stuff you needed to work on... I think I just need to be alone. I'll let you know when the funeral is soon as I know okay?"
"Are you sure? Saeng, I don't think you should be alone right now."
"Why?" YoungSaeng frowned, eyes narrowing. "Why shouldn't I be alone Kyu? You don't think I should be able to grieve for my father on my own?"
There was a pause. "I, I do. But I'm worried about you Saeng."
"You don't need to worry about me, I'll be fine," YoungSaeng said. "I'll talk to you later." Not giving KyuJong a chance to respond, he hung, tossing his phone over onto the couch. The way KyuJong had insinuated he couldn't be trusted to be alone set YoungSaeng's teeth on edge. As if he was a child who needed looked after. He didn't need to be looked after, he would be fine.
He would especially be fine since he had found the hidden liquor and downed half a bottle of soju before making up his mind about something. Grabbing his keys, YoungSaeng left his apartment again. He was pretty sure he'd be questioned upon arriving back at HyunJoong's again but he didn't care, he wasn't there to talk. He pressed the buzzer to HyunJoong's apartment repeatedly, waiting for a response.
HyunJoong answered the insistent ringing before YoungSaeng could keep going, the intercom crackling to life. "Hello?"
"Hey... let me in," YoungSaeng said. "Kyu says I shouldn't be alone right now."
"YoungSaeng? Door's open," HyunJoong didn't hesitate to unlock the door for him.
By the time YoungSaeng got to HyunJoong's apartment, the older man was waiting in the doorway for him, eyebrow's knit in worry. "Hey…how're you feeling?"
"Fine," YoungSaeng said curtly, pushing HyunJoong into the apartment and closing the door. He didn't even hesitate, wrapping his fingers into HyunJoong's shirt and pulling him into a searing kiss.
Surprised, it was a moment before HyunJoong pulled away. Hands on YoungSaeng's hips, he frowned down at him. "…You've been drinking." He could taste the soju in YoungSaeng's mouth.
"Yeah, is that a problem?" YoungSaeng asked, unbuttoning HyunJoong's shirt. "A couple shots of soju isn't enough to get me drunk."
"I think you are." HyunJoong caught YoungSaeng's hands before he could unbutton the shirt all the way. "Your alcohol tolerance is crap. What are you doing?"
"... What does it look like?" YoungSaeng said, looking up into HyunJoong's eyes. "I don't want to think right now."
HyunJoong was frowning. "…Are you sure?"
"If you don't stop talking I'm leaving and never coming back," YoungSaeng replied, pulling his hands out of HyunJoong's grip and restarting on the man' shirt.
The older man still didn't look all that convinced, but he shook his head at YoungSaeng's words. "Stay with me," he murmured, ducking his head to kiss YoungSaeng. His mouth moved against the other man's, hands running along YoungSaeng's back and keeping him close.
Returning the kiss, YoungSaeng finished unbuttoning HyunJoong's shirt, sliding his hands up the man's chest to push the material off his shoulders. With HyunJoong's arms around him though he couldn't remove the shirt entirely so he switched to the man's pants, undoing the button and zipper.
HyunJoong started on YoungSaeng's own shirt, pulling the material up as he ducked his head to kiss along his jawline. "Come on," he murmured, drawing YoungSaeng away from the door. He brought the younger man into his bedroom and up to the bed, sitting down to tug YoungSaeng into his lap.
YoungSaeng complied, straddling HyunJoong's thighs as he pulled his shirt off over his head. Throwing it on the floor, he brought his hands up to frame HyunJoong's jaw, looking into his eyes for a moment before leaning in to renew the heated kiss.
Deepening the kiss right away, HyunJoong ran his fingers through YoungSaeng's hair and trailed them down his spine to settle in the middle of his back. After a long kiss he twisted his upper body around, bringing YoungSaeng to lie down on the sheets. "Still okay?" he murmured, kissing him between words.
YoungSaeng made a small sound of affirmation, rolling his hips up against HyunJoong's to make his point clear.
Biting YoungSaeng's lower lip lightly in retaliation, HyunJoong pulled back enough to look down at the younger man. His breathing uneven, his hand slipped between them to start taking off YoungSaeng's jeans. He made short work of the rest of their clothes, the material ending up strewn across the bedroom floor.
It was clear HyunJoong was still giving YoungSaeng time to back out if he had a sudden change of heart. He also took more time preparing him for what was to come, seeing YoungSaeng had never been with another man before. Hooking one of YoungSaeng's legs over his shoulder when the younger didn't show any signs of wanting to stop, he whispered words of encouragement until YoungSaeng's cries drowned him out.
It was some time later when the bedroom was silent again, both of them stretched out on the large bed. The sun was closer to the horizon, casting long shadows into the room. HyunJoong absently played with YoungSaeng's hair, something he seemed fond of doing as he pressed light kisses to the other man's lips.
The kisses were returned, though they weren't as insistent as before. He sighed a little, turning his head to the side and rolling away from HyunJoong to curl up around a pillow. "I have to go," he said quietly, looking towards the window.
Blinking, HyunJoong watched YoungSaeng's back with a small frown. "Why?" he murmured.
"I.. I'm going to have to go home," YoungSaeng said. "I'll need to pack and I need to call YunHo and let him know and... I just have so much I'm going to have to do."
"Okay…" HyunJoong slowly sat up, resting his elbows on his knees as he looked at the other man. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"... Bring my dad back?" YoungSaeng said, his shoulder shaking a little. "No, there really isn't anything anyone can do right now."
"…" HyunJoong was silent for a moment, before reaching out and resting a hand lightly on YoungSaeng's shoulder. "Okay. Just…let me know if there's anything you need. You have my number, I'll always answer."
"Thanks," YoungSaeng nodded, finally sitting up. Scrounging for his clothes on the floor, he got dressed without looking up at HyunJoong. "I don't know how long... I just need some time I guess. We'll talk later... I'm sorry if I just... If I'm just all over the place right now. I can't seem to think straight."
HyunJoong didn't move from the bed, just watching him. "It's fine…do you want me to walk you back?"
"No, no, it's fine," YoungSaeng shook his head, smoothing down his shirt. "I um... I just need to be alone I guess. Sorry." Turning around, he headed for the door, stopping before he left the room. "I'm sorry, I just don't think I can do this anymore," he said, stepping out of the room and heading for the front door.
"…Wait, what?" HyunJoong got up to follow him at that. He grabbed his boxers on the way, tugging them on and leaving the bedroom. "What do you mean?"
"I mean... this is wrong," YoungSaeng said, stuffing his feet in his shoes. "This isn't what I'm supposed to be doing, this isn't what my father would want for me. I have a responsibility to him."
"YoungSaeng, wouldn't your father want you to be happy?" HyunJoong asked, an exasperated note in his voice. "This isn't wrong. Nothing about this is wrong."
"Yes it is. If this wasn't wrong he'd still be alive and I'd be able to tell him," YoungSaeng said, shaking his head. "But he's not and I can't. I'm sorry HyunJoong..." Pushing down the tears again, YoungSaeng reached for the front door and opened it.
"Why did you even come here?" HyunJoong asked after him. He was angry now. "Was all that just out of pity for me, for trying so damn hard?"
YoungSaeng stopped, hands shaking as he clenched his fists. "This doesn't have anything to do with you. I don't... I don't know why I came here. I thought if I knew... that it would be okay but it's not okay."
"No, it's not okay, because you keep running away." HyunJoong turned away from him. "Whatever. You do what you want, YoungSaeng. I'm done trying." He went back into his bedroom.
YoungSaeng watched him go until the apartment door slowly closed on him. It seemed like no matter what he did, he turned everything into a mess. Shoulders slumping, he turned back around and made his way to the elevator. It was later when he'd returned home that he belatedly realized his phone wasn't on him, nor was it in the apartment.
At some point it had fallen out of his pocket at HyunJoong's. He had no way of calling his mother, or KyuJong, or anyone. For the first time in years he was completely alone with no one to turn to. He curled up on the living room floor, wishing his life was a dream he could wake up from.
It was fifteen minutes later when the bell sounded for the door downstairs. There was a brief pause before it sounded again.
It took a lot of effort before YoungSaeng finally lifted himself up off the floor, looking towards the door with a frown. A small voice wished it was HyunJoong, but there was no way it would be him. Trudging over to the door, he pressed the button to the speaker. "Yes?"
"YoungSaeng?" a gentle voice answered, filled with worry. "Can I come in?"
YoungSaeng blinked a little. Well he wasn't expecting that. "YunHo? Yeah... sure." Pressing the door release, he unlocked his front door and went to sit down on the couch, knees tucked to his chest and arms around his legs.
A minute later, the front door clicked open and swung inward. YunHo stepped into the apartment, closing the door again behind him. "Hey…" He slipped off his shoes and made his way over, sitting down on the couch next to YoungSaeng.
"…KyuJong called," he said after a pause. He didn't ask if YoungSaeng was okay, eyes on YoungSaeng's face.
Lips quirking a little at that, YoungSaeng snorted out a dry laugh. "Even in another city he finds a way to make sure someone's here to mother over me," he said. "You didn't have to come by, I'll be fine."
YunHo exhaled slowly before resting his hand on YoungSaeng's arm. "You might be able to hide it from them, but you can't hide it from me," he said quietly, looking into YoungSaeng's eyes.
"If only you knew," YoungSaeng mumbled, sighing bitterly. "I don't know what to do YunHo... he's gone. I just talked to him the other day and he was fine. I had so many things I wanted to say to him and now I can't."
"I know," YunHo murmured. There was little he could say to help; he knew that shallow words of 'comfort' wouldn't mean anything then. He did wrap his arm around YoungSaeng's shoulders, not moving away from the other man's side. "What did you want to say to him?"
"... It doesn't really matter," YoungSaeng said, closing his eyes. "It's just knowing that I'll never talk to him again...that's the hard part."
YunHo closed his eyes as well, running his hand slowly along YoungSaeng's shoulder soothingly. "It won't get any easier tomorrow…next week…or even a month from now. But I think he would want you to be happy, no matter how long it takes."
"Why does everyone keep saying that?" YoungSaeng said, shaking his head. "As if any of you knew my father and what he wanted. Nothing in his plan for me involved being happy."
"I don't think there's any parent out there who would want their child to be miserable," YunHo murmured.
"Of course not, parents do things with the best intentions," YoungSaeng said. "Doesn't have anything to do with happiness."
"It should." YunHo opened his eyes to look down at YoungSaeng. "Why would you think he didn't want you to be happy?"
"He never wanted me to be a writer," YoungSaeng replied. "He says there's no money in it and I should have worked harder in school to do something better. He didn't want me going to school for music in the first place.. it's why I gave up being a lyricist. I thought he would be happy that I decided to take on a more meaningful career but he was disappointed in me."
"But in the end, it's your life, not his," YunHo murmured quietly. "You know…my parents thought the same about being a photographer…not even a contracted photographer, but a freelancer, without a steady payroll. They thought I was crazy…but they were just worried about me, and my ability to provide for myself. If I'd end up homeless and hungry one day." He rubbed YoungSaeng's arm slowly. "You can still make him proud, by proving his worry wrong."
"But I'll never have his blessing," YoungSaeng said, shaking his head. "He died being disappointed in me. That I never married or had grandchildren for him and that I wasn't prospering and taking care of him. I failed as a son."
"No." YunHo shook his head too. "You didn't fail him, YoungSaeng. You're being your own person, that's worth more than anything else."
"Not to him," YoungSaeng said, looking away. "If you don't mind, I really just want to be alone right now. It's... been a bad day."
"Are you sure?" the other man asked quietly. "I'll be back tomorrow with something to eat."
"Don't bother, I need to go home and be with my mom," YoungSaeng said.
"Okay," YunHo nodded, watching YoungSaeng's face. He squeezed the other man's shoulder lightly. "Just…give me a call whenever you need to talk…or for any reason at all. I'm always here for you."
"I know... but there's some things I just need to get through on my own," YoungSaeng said, glancing over at him. "Thank you."
YunHo's smile was sad. "Trust me…it's not good or easy to try getting through something like this on your own." He slowly stood, looking back down at YoungSaeng. "My door's always open. Travel safely."
"I'll call you when I get back," YoungSaeng nodded, watching him go. When YunHo had finally gone and the door was closed, YoungSaeng curled up on the couch, staring blankly at the wall. If YunHo had stuck around outside the door, he would have heard the sobs, YoungSaeng letting the grief finally catch up to him.