(no subject)
tonight we spend apart - the first in almost two months. he said he was tired, well before i could sleep, so ok. and yet...i feel there was something else in his voice. is he thinking about it too - the inevitable change - ? laura suggested a weaning process...i'm mixed about the idea but it's not a bad one.
i kind of feel like i'm in denial for wanting to simply continue this experience without focusing now on this impending change. i also feel like i'm just being in the moment, not worrying about what will happen next or how it will happen. well....
this weekend i will be spending entirely without him. and he may be in someone else's bed (so he says). not necessarily in the typical context, but...i just don't know. this is what i must address. even just to voice the fact that i'm jealous and it hurts and i wish he wouldn't end up there but then again it's not up to me, and i'll be participating in something from which he's excluded (though not by me), and i don't want to limit him and we won't be together soon anyway cause i'm moving away, and what difference does it make it's all just energy that we're all sharing, and yet i don't want him holding her instead. and she's cute & blonde & i just don't know what to do with all this except to awkwardly express it in some kind of drawn-out conversation in which i might just end up feeling worse. i'm doing my best NOT to anticipate that, but....ach, enough for now.
....quiet....ok....?....sure....