expectations.
Nothing floored me more than two of my friends, on separate occasions, telling me they had no standards for their friends.
That blew my mind. How is that a good relationship at all? Then what do you expect in an ACTUAL relationship?
Your friends should be people you want to be in your life, and stay there, and be there for you.
I ask my parents what happened to their 'old friends' and they're like, "oh you know..." No, I really don't...and maybe that's why I am how I am. I want my friends to be there when I'm older.
Friends, for me, should call you out for being an asshole only because they are looking for you to become a better you, not to cause problems. They are loyal, and while avoiding fighting your battles, will tell mutual friends what they are doing is wrong, and not pretend nothing is happening. This may ruin relationships (as it did mine with Joe), but then, was that a worthwhile friendship, and a friendship you want in your life? Maybe, maybe they have to learn on their own that what they did was wrong. And maybe they will learn it from someone else. Friends will agree to disagree.
My expectations aren't too high. I don't think so anyway. I might have a lot of friends, but I only have a select few I choose to be close to, as people may notice (as bugged my line sisters when I was pledging them :P because I always talked about these people, and they felt I didn't want to be with them). In the case of these friends, sometimes I think it's a bit la la land to just want everyone to get along. Everyone wants that, but as you get older, it doesn't work out anymore. We're not like children, anymore, where our only problem is what TV show to watch and what gym sneakers to get for the year. We're more complex, our brain, and the issues around us are more involved in our lives. We're growing up.
If someone disrespects me, I expect an apology and then, maybe I'll consider talking to you again. But I will hold myself at a distance. It's a respect issue. The "guy" thing my friends spoke of the other night, of someone showing up being an apology, does not apply in my book. That means they showed up, and you're avoiding the issue. You don't just get over it. You apologize, and talk out the issue, in order to establish respect and any form of STRONG friendship. Friendships built on pretending things never happened are not stable, and if they continue, will always be on broken foundation, prone to falling apart at any moment.
My close friends that I've had issues with are still my close friends because we talked about it, fought about it, apologized. Even if it took a while, even if they did it through some stupid electronic format. Maybe the "boy" thing is an issue of pride, and not being able to say sorry. Maybe I'm wrong. No idea.
I dropped my expectations for a bit because I was getting annoyed, but I realized that's no better. ("When friends stop being frank and useful to each other, the whole world loses some of its radiance." -Anatole Broyard) You have expectations and standards for friends because you believe they're worthwhile people to have in your life. People you hold in high regard, you maybe wish you were more like in certain aspects. They bring you up to a higher level, and a better you. They don't leave you on a sinking level. So, instead, I'm just gonna' call em out on it.
"Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being."
-Goethe
That blew my mind. How is that a good relationship at all? Then what do you expect in an ACTUAL relationship?
Your friends should be people you want to be in your life, and stay there, and be there for you.
I ask my parents what happened to their 'old friends' and they're like, "oh you know..." No, I really don't...and maybe that's why I am how I am. I want my friends to be there when I'm older.
Friends, for me, should call you out for being an asshole only because they are looking for you to become a better you, not to cause problems. They are loyal, and while avoiding fighting your battles, will tell mutual friends what they are doing is wrong, and not pretend nothing is happening. This may ruin relationships (as it did mine with Joe), but then, was that a worthwhile friendship, and a friendship you want in your life? Maybe, maybe they have to learn on their own that what they did was wrong. And maybe they will learn it from someone else. Friends will agree to disagree.
My expectations aren't too high. I don't think so anyway. I might have a lot of friends, but I only have a select few I choose to be close to, as people may notice (as bugged my line sisters when I was pledging them :P because I always talked about these people, and they felt I didn't want to be with them). In the case of these friends, sometimes I think it's a bit la la land to just want everyone to get along. Everyone wants that, but as you get older, it doesn't work out anymore. We're not like children, anymore, where our only problem is what TV show to watch and what gym sneakers to get for the year. We're more complex, our brain, and the issues around us are more involved in our lives. We're growing up.
If someone disrespects me, I expect an apology and then, maybe I'll consider talking to you again. But I will hold myself at a distance. It's a respect issue. The "guy" thing my friends spoke of the other night, of someone showing up being an apology, does not apply in my book. That means they showed up, and you're avoiding the issue. You don't just get over it. You apologize, and talk out the issue, in order to establish respect and any form of STRONG friendship. Friendships built on pretending things never happened are not stable, and if they continue, will always be on broken foundation, prone to falling apart at any moment.
My close friends that I've had issues with are still my close friends because we talked about it, fought about it, apologized. Even if it took a while, even if they did it through some stupid electronic format. Maybe the "boy" thing is an issue of pride, and not being able to say sorry. Maybe I'm wrong. No idea.
I dropped my expectations for a bit because I was getting annoyed, but I realized that's no better. ("When friends stop being frank and useful to each other, the whole world loses some of its radiance." -Anatole Broyard) You have expectations and standards for friends because you believe they're worthwhile people to have in your life. People you hold in high regard, you maybe wish you were more like in certain aspects. They bring you up to a higher level, and a better you. They don't leave you on a sinking level. So, instead, I'm just gonna' call em out on it.
"Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being."
-Goethe