new year.
Welcome, 2015.
Once again, I start the year off with a boy - some way, some how.
I just realized all my new years (within the first two months) always entail a new romance or boy problem.
Once I turned 26, I told Marc that I liked him. It wasn't a "smart" idea per say...I say this because he has a girlfriend and he lives with her. I wasn't happy to like him again --- happy isn't the right way to describe it. Basically, I thought that unresolved chapter of my life dating back to 2009 where we confessed that we had mutual feelings for each other and he left for Japan...yea, that time period. I thought that was the close of it, the end. Silly me. I guess I was so focused on Glenn, then my life in Scotland, then re-adjusting here, I was over it for that period of time.
When he returned last fall (2013), a friend or so told me I definitely still held feelings for him. I disagreed. Then, when we were hanging out, just the two of us like old times, drinking wine and talking, I realized it. It was a loud FUCK in my head when I did so. From there, I threw it out with friends and we debated over it. The pros and cons.
I decided that it was a lose-lose situation and that I had to tell him before things got even worse. Not worse, but basically I didn't want to tell him when he was announcing his engagement or getting married. Plus, I needed to move on for my benefit. (Don't get me wrong, it wasn't holding me back. Let's just say the dating world of NYC isn't very promising, ha.)
However, every time I was determined to tell him, I chickened out. That, or he would mention something about me being like a sister, etc and that just turned me off, frankly.
For some reason, once I turned 26, I decided this would really be a new year for me and it was time to tell him. I don't know if it was partly that for some reason, my ex was at my birthday and hitting on me or what. But, I decided that there would never be good timing and getting over it by holding it in wasn't working for me.
I had planned to phrase it eloquently, or as eloquently as one could. I planned to say or preface it with something along the lines of I respect your relationship and expect nothing out of this, but I have feelings for you. Uhhh, right. As well as that could go. Unfortunately, I caught this "bravery" after a few drinks. I wasn't drunk or inebriated; I was well aware of what I was about to do and was doing. Due to this Dutch courage (as my friend told me to get - if you don't know what "Dutch courage" is, you should look it up), I basically just said "You have no idea, do you?" And he said, "What?" And I said, "That I like you." He told me I was drunk, I told him I wasn't. Then...silence. It was the end of the night, and he had texted me this "you're drunk" park and after I confirmed that I wasn't...silence.
I didn't hear from him on the date of my actual birthday at all (party was the night before) or for the rest of the week. Cool. I knew it wasn't suave, but I was hoping for the chance to explain myself to him and how I did this for me and wanted nothing, yadda. My friends commended me on my bravery while I waited. I didn't hear from him at. all. To be honest, I expected more from someone who claimed I was his very "best friend". I didn't expect him to be totally comfortable about it or anything, but I expected some sort of reaction. Jeez, even just yell at me or something.
So, I do life as I do and I went home with Kim to her apartment one night and he was there with Phil. He barely said hello, left pretty quickly and as he left, he stared at the floor and muttered, "Bye, Betta." I was disappointed. I didn't expect him to make it as awkward as it was.
So, I texted him and said, "Hey, I don't want things to be weird." He replied It's ok, I don't want it to be weird either. I was okay with this part, but then he added "I guess it can't be helped though" and I my face went to that annoyed side eye face that iphone emojis have.
I felt that part was unnecessary, and frankly it annoyed me that I even had to tell him I didn't want it to be weird. It annoyed me because I also feel like he feels I'm doing this on purpose, having feelings for him, which I'm not. I was not like, hmm, you know what would be a good idea? To like Marc again. I guess I expected him to acknowledge it or be like let's talk about this, I don't agree...something.
Since then, I haven't replied. I'm giving him his space and trying to legitimately move on because I said it and it's out, and I should be able to do so better now. I hope we have the chance to speak, and I can tell him what's going on and explain it better than I did, with the preface I should've had.
Hope, hope, hope. Something I should know better than to do now, heh. One thing I know is, I don't regret telling him and being honest with him. It was very hard for me to do, and I give myself credit for that much.
Other than that, I've been doing me. I want to do things for myself completely this year. I want to learn to drive stick shift, I really want to start a legitimate travel blog, I want to write more, and I want to work on my photography skills and hone them. I want to be strong and I want to move. I'm ready, I believe, if I can do that, I'd gladly take it.
So, back after a few years and still more boy drama. Same old, same old, huh? I was just trying to think of something that could get me to practice and write out, it's been so long. And that's what it was.
Ta, for now. x
Once again, I start the year off with a boy - some way, some how.
I just realized all my new years (within the first two months) always entail a new romance or boy problem.
Once I turned 26, I told Marc that I liked him. It wasn't a "smart" idea per say...I say this because he has a girlfriend and he lives with her. I wasn't happy to like him again --- happy isn't the right way to describe it. Basically, I thought that unresolved chapter of my life dating back to 2009 where we confessed that we had mutual feelings for each other and he left for Japan...yea, that time period. I thought that was the close of it, the end. Silly me. I guess I was so focused on Glenn, then my life in Scotland, then re-adjusting here, I was over it for that period of time.
When he returned last fall (2013), a friend or so told me I definitely still held feelings for him. I disagreed. Then, when we were hanging out, just the two of us like old times, drinking wine and talking, I realized it. It was a loud FUCK in my head when I did so. From there, I threw it out with friends and we debated over it. The pros and cons.
I decided that it was a lose-lose situation and that I had to tell him before things got even worse. Not worse, but basically I didn't want to tell him when he was announcing his engagement or getting married. Plus, I needed to move on for my benefit. (Don't get me wrong, it wasn't holding me back. Let's just say the dating world of NYC isn't very promising, ha.)
However, every time I was determined to tell him, I chickened out. That, or he would mention something about me being like a sister, etc and that just turned me off, frankly.
For some reason, once I turned 26, I decided this would really be a new year for me and it was time to tell him. I don't know if it was partly that for some reason, my ex was at my birthday and hitting on me or what. But, I decided that there would never be good timing and getting over it by holding it in wasn't working for me.
I had planned to phrase it eloquently, or as eloquently as one could. I planned to say or preface it with something along the lines of I respect your relationship and expect nothing out of this, but I have feelings for you. Uhhh, right. As well as that could go. Unfortunately, I caught this "bravery" after a few drinks. I wasn't drunk or inebriated; I was well aware of what I was about to do and was doing. Due to this Dutch courage (as my friend told me to get - if you don't know what "Dutch courage" is, you should look it up), I basically just said "You have no idea, do you?" And he said, "What?" And I said, "That I like you." He told me I was drunk, I told him I wasn't. Then...silence. It was the end of the night, and he had texted me this "you're drunk" park and after I confirmed that I wasn't...silence.
I didn't hear from him on the date of my actual birthday at all (party was the night before) or for the rest of the week. Cool. I knew it wasn't suave, but I was hoping for the chance to explain myself to him and how I did this for me and wanted nothing, yadda. My friends commended me on my bravery while I waited. I didn't hear from him at. all. To be honest, I expected more from someone who claimed I was his very "best friend". I didn't expect him to be totally comfortable about it or anything, but I expected some sort of reaction. Jeez, even just yell at me or something.
So, I do life as I do and I went home with Kim to her apartment one night and he was there with Phil. He barely said hello, left pretty quickly and as he left, he stared at the floor and muttered, "Bye, Betta." I was disappointed. I didn't expect him to make it as awkward as it was.
So, I texted him and said, "Hey, I don't want things to be weird." He replied It's ok, I don't want it to be weird either. I was okay with this part, but then he added "I guess it can't be helped though" and I my face went to that annoyed side eye face that iphone emojis have.
I felt that part was unnecessary, and frankly it annoyed me that I even had to tell him I didn't want it to be weird. It annoyed me because I also feel like he feels I'm doing this on purpose, having feelings for him, which I'm not. I was not like, hmm, you know what would be a good idea? To like Marc again. I guess I expected him to acknowledge it or be like let's talk about this, I don't agree...something.
Since then, I haven't replied. I'm giving him his space and trying to legitimately move on because I said it and it's out, and I should be able to do so better now. I hope we have the chance to speak, and I can tell him what's going on and explain it better than I did, with the preface I should've had.
Hope, hope, hope. Something I should know better than to do now, heh. One thing I know is, I don't regret telling him and being honest with him. It was very hard for me to do, and I give myself credit for that much.
Other than that, I've been doing me. I want to do things for myself completely this year. I want to learn to drive stick shift, I really want to start a legitimate travel blog, I want to write more, and I want to work on my photography skills and hone them. I want to be strong and I want to move. I'm ready, I believe, if I can do that, I'd gladly take it.
So, back after a few years and still more boy drama. Same old, same old, huh? I was just trying to think of something that could get me to practice and write out, it's been so long. And that's what it was.
Ta, for now. x