on friendship.
Marc and I talk a lot now that he has the internet messenger, Kik, and it's a good thing. The whole thing with Chris, he first addressed by messaging him around the time I got home for winter break.
I sent Chris the email I previously posted, to which I never got a reply, and don't even think he got it. Anyway, things were kind of awkward as Chris got Kik recently and in the midst of my short answers, I wound up telling him he's been a crappy friend to me for a while now, as well as everyone else except Glenn it seems. His recent answer when I asked if he saw the peeps back home was no, not recently, but he talks to Glenn a lot.
I shook my head, as Shahbaz's birthday had just passed, and he used to be very close to Shahbaz. In fact, he was first closest to Carl, Rob and Kyle. How that's changed.
The minute I was home, Chris immediately delved into the Glenn and I problem. He asked me what I would think about a double date with Chris and his gf and Glenn and the girl. I just kind of looked at him like really (We were best friends first and longer, not that I ever pulled that card, and I've known you howwwww long?)?! He knew my opinion, and my rule of no mutual friends and last time I checked, you were a mutual friend. Fine, do what you want, just keep that situation out of our mutual friends, and my life, is my thought on it. Chris knew, yet he was already prodding. If he did it, I told him, we wouldn't be very good friends anymore, because I would be distancing myself from him (further than we already were) because it's a respect and loyalty thing for me, as well as I need it away from my life.
He got a bit torn about this, and distraught over my response. He felt so in the middle. There was a point in time where I felt bad, and like maybe I was assisting in putting him there, but I realized over the summer he actually was doing it to himself, so I didn't feel bad. "I feel so in the middle," he said, "What would you do?" "I wouldn't even consider it," I said to him, "If you really don't want to feel in the middle, because by thinking about it, you're putting yourself in the middle."
At my birthday, he kind of started a shouting match about it in which Kim and Leigh-Ann were yelling at him, and then twisted what happened. When he forgot my birthday, and came around to apologize, he wound up back on this topic again, when he said, "Well, Emily..." AHA. Your girlfriend has some sort of roll in this bullshit as well. Surprise surprise (she's kind of been a meddler in our group issues, when she doesn't know us that well). He also conveniently slipped in that it was a rumor that she was going to be at the New Year's thing he was going to with Glenn. "Rumor," I said, "You KNOW this. Just admit it." And I was just sitting there, so agitated, like how do you really think we're best friends, with all of this & when we're back to it?
Since then, and since I left, I just told him the truth. Anyway, back to Marc.
How does this comes about? Marc told me he was trying to talk to him, and I kind of just said why, so you can tell him how poor of a friend he's been too? Because Marc's been pretty annoyed with Chris as well, and his crap keeping in touch, as well as his girlfriend meddling in his relationship before Japan, which caused a whole blowup and left Marc and Chris mad at each other.
Marc just said he wants to say it in his own way, not like he wants to be like Chris I love you, let's be bffls. He went on to say he just wants to fix things, as he's made a lot of dumb choices and people, especially me, never gave up on him, and he wants to do that for someone. Granted, he did give me a hard time often back around sophomore year, where he pushed me away and all this stuff, and it was super annoying, and I didn't give up. NOW...I'm not so sure I'd do the same...
It's funny, because I told my friend here about my friends back home, and she said to me, "I'm going to start calling you fixer." So, I said to Marc, "I'm not like that anymore, I'm not a fixer anymore." (Which is mostly me trying to just focus on myself and not stress myself out anymore, not to say that's not a battle I STILL have with myself, because I'm used to stressing about my friends.)
He replied with, "Well, someone has to be a fixer, otherwise everything breaks?"
I kind of chuckled to myself, and brought back the memory of conversations from the break, and said, "Hah. According to him and Glenn, I am in the past, and things will never be the same, and I somehow must recognize this, like they think I'm still trying to have the group from freshman year again."
Which probably looked something like this:
Marc said, "That's dumb because we're not trying to make it the same as it was, but it doesn't have to fucking be what it is now. Utterly broken."
I agreed with him, as that's what I've always meant. The problems are often so dumb, it's not impossible, it's just how people approach things.
He ended that he wants to keep the faith in him, and doesn't want to look at his friends with disappointment.
I haven't completely dropped all of my faith, but there comes a time and place where you can't keep stressing yourself out about people being shitty friends and not respecting your friendship enough to put it first, balance it, and be there. All you can do, is place them a bit more in the back as well, and focus on the people who do always respect your friendship enough to be there and put you at the forefront, not as a second thought.
Like these amazing friends:
I sent Chris the email I previously posted, to which I never got a reply, and don't even think he got it. Anyway, things were kind of awkward as Chris got Kik recently and in the midst of my short answers, I wound up telling him he's been a crappy friend to me for a while now, as well as everyone else except Glenn it seems. His recent answer when I asked if he saw the peeps back home was no, not recently, but he talks to Glenn a lot.
I shook my head, as Shahbaz's birthday had just passed, and he used to be very close to Shahbaz. In fact, he was first closest to Carl, Rob and Kyle. How that's changed.
The minute I was home, Chris immediately delved into the Glenn and I problem. He asked me what I would think about a double date with Chris and his gf and Glenn and the girl. I just kind of looked at him like really (We were best friends first and longer, not that I ever pulled that card, and I've known you howwwww long?)?! He knew my opinion, and my rule of no mutual friends and last time I checked, you were a mutual friend. Fine, do what you want, just keep that situation out of our mutual friends, and my life, is my thought on it. Chris knew, yet he was already prodding. If he did it, I told him, we wouldn't be very good friends anymore, because I would be distancing myself from him (further than we already were) because it's a respect and loyalty thing for me, as well as I need it away from my life.
He got a bit torn about this, and distraught over my response. He felt so in the middle. There was a point in time where I felt bad, and like maybe I was assisting in putting him there, but I realized over the summer he actually was doing it to himself, so I didn't feel bad. "I feel so in the middle," he said, "What would you do?" "I wouldn't even consider it," I said to him, "If you really don't want to feel in the middle, because by thinking about it, you're putting yourself in the middle."
At my birthday, he kind of started a shouting match about it in which Kim and Leigh-Ann were yelling at him, and then twisted what happened. When he forgot my birthday, and came around to apologize, he wound up back on this topic again, when he said, "Well, Emily..." AHA. Your girlfriend has some sort of roll in this bullshit as well. Surprise surprise (she's kind of been a meddler in our group issues, when she doesn't know us that well). He also conveniently slipped in that it was a rumor that she was going to be at the New Year's thing he was going to with Glenn. "Rumor," I said, "You KNOW this. Just admit it." And I was just sitting there, so agitated, like how do you really think we're best friends, with all of this & when we're back to it?
Since then, and since I left, I just told him the truth. Anyway, back to Marc.
How does this comes about? Marc told me he was trying to talk to him, and I kind of just said why, so you can tell him how poor of a friend he's been too? Because Marc's been pretty annoyed with Chris as well, and his crap keeping in touch, as well as his girlfriend meddling in his relationship before Japan, which caused a whole blowup and left Marc and Chris mad at each other.
Marc just said he wants to say it in his own way, not like he wants to be like Chris I love you, let's be bffls. He went on to say he just wants to fix things, as he's made a lot of dumb choices and people, especially me, never gave up on him, and he wants to do that for someone. Granted, he did give me a hard time often back around sophomore year, where he pushed me away and all this stuff, and it was super annoying, and I didn't give up. NOW...I'm not so sure I'd do the same...
It's funny, because I told my friend here about my friends back home, and she said to me, "I'm going to start calling you fixer." So, I said to Marc, "I'm not like that anymore, I'm not a fixer anymore." (Which is mostly me trying to just focus on myself and not stress myself out anymore, not to say that's not a battle I STILL have with myself, because I'm used to stressing about my friends.)
He replied with, "Well, someone has to be a fixer, otherwise everything breaks?"
I kind of chuckled to myself, and brought back the memory of conversations from the break, and said, "Hah. According to him and Glenn, I am in the past, and things will never be the same, and I somehow must recognize this, like they think I'm still trying to have the group from freshman year again."
Which probably looked something like this:
Marc said, "That's dumb because we're not trying to make it the same as it was, but it doesn't have to fucking be what it is now. Utterly broken."
I agreed with him, as that's what I've always meant. The problems are often so dumb, it's not impossible, it's just how people approach things.
He ended that he wants to keep the faith in him, and doesn't want to look at his friends with disappointment.
I haven't completely dropped all of my faith, but there comes a time and place where you can't keep stressing yourself out about people being shitty friends and not respecting your friendship enough to put it first, balance it, and be there. All you can do, is place them a bit more in the back as well, and focus on the people who do always respect your friendship enough to be there and put you at the forefront, not as a second thought.
Like these amazing friends: