(no subject)
Just a few things to clarify to people.
1) No I did not get the IPEX bra from Victoria's Secret. However, I did get an Angel's bra in black and a Body By Victoria in light pink. Both super comfy and frankly, quite sexy. Nothing like new undergarmets to feel better.
2) I bought a new CD. Simple Plan's "No pads, no helmet...just balls." It's amazing how many songs just seem to fit. Track 12-"Perfect" is all about the singer talking to his father and wondering why nothing is ever good enough for him. I'll try a LJ cut with the lyrics.
Hey Dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according
To plan?
Do you think I’m wasting
My time doing things I
Wanna do?
But it hurts when you
Disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I’m never gonna be good
Enough for you
I can’t pretend that
I’m alright
And you can’t change me
‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be
My hero?
All the days
You spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don’t
Care anymore
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I’m never gonna be good
Enough for you
I can’t stand another fight
And nothing’ alright
‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect
Nothing’s gonna change
The things that you said
Nothing’s gonna make this
Right again
Please don’t turn your back
I can’t believe it’s hard
Just to talk to you
But you don’t understand
‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect
‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect
I mentioned the song to Barry and said that I wish I could just write the lyrics out and give them to my dad. Barry responded by saying that he wishes that my dad would actually be a dad and realize what's going on. That would be nice, but I doubt it.
Leslie is going to pick me up later today to hang out. My car is in the shop for a tune up. She's going to pick me up when she goes to get her brother from football practice. Little Rodney is in 10th grade now. It's funny how time goes by so fast. Later she'll drop me off at my car when it's ready. Until then we're going to pack up her stuff for her move to college.
I can't believe how this feels right now. It's never been like this before. Weirdly enough I cant feel my heart beat. Is that because it's beating so fast that it isn't discernable or perhaps it's beating so slow that I keep missing the pulse? Or maybe it just isn't there anymore. That's really how it feels. Last night was insane. Ive never been that emotional or hysterical. My legs couldn't support me and I would have fallen with out support. I've never been angry with God before. I've always felt that the shitty things in my life were either caused by myself or the decisions of others around me. Last night was different though. I forgot all about what and who was around me and I just stared at the sky. "Where are you God? I cant see You...why arent You there anymore? Why can't I hear You now? What did I do to deserve this? Please dont do this to me. I cant do this. I'll give up anything You want. I'll live at home forever or until my parents are gone. I'll go to church every Sunday and chapel every MWF when Im at school. I'll join a Bible study. I'll read my Bible more. I'll even give up drumline because I really dont need it Lord. Please, just dont let this happen. I'll do anything. Why are You doing this? I dont understand. What kind of test is this? What am I supposed to learn from this? I dont need this test please! I'm so mad at You. I dont understand Your ways and I dont want to. Undo this. Let me wake up and find out it's a dream. Why would You let me loose something like this? Why let me be happy and then take it away from me? It was the one thing that kept me together this summer. I didn't give up because of this. With out it I would have failed. I'd be gone. Please, if You wont make this stop, don't let me wake up. Let me go to sleep and never wake up again." Well, Im awake and it seems as if Im going to keep being awake. I was so angry last night. Im just numb. I said goodbye last night and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Harder than waiting for Jon Green. Harder than when I put myself out there for him and he rejected me. Harder than anything else I've done. However, I will cling to God and belive him when he says that it will change. I'll just keep my phone with me and pray for the Merenge to play...
Luckily I'll be moving over to the West side in 2 days and camp is in 3 days. That will help me take my mind off of it all.