(no subject)
I'be been looking over my photos from the year before I left to go away and thinking about how it was such an awesome year. I mean, apart from the doing poorly in the second half of uni, most other stuff about it was great.
I had a good job so I could afford nice things, I cleaned up the other house so I could move into it, my pets and family were all healthy, I had a car to get myself about and I was in a not too bad shape.
Now look at me.
I'm broke, jobless, living back at home with the parents with no car. The other house has been trashed again and looks worse than before I cleaned it up and two of my pets are practically on deaths door. Plus I've put on loads of weight.
Here I was thinking that going away was the best and I needed to get out, but honestly I can't think of why I thought living in a city I hated doing a job I absolutely hated and gave me grey hairs was preferable to what I left behind? I've picked up a few bad habits from being away but I think the worst one was being ungrateful for the things I do for myself. Nobody made me go away and nobody made me stay...I did and alot of people would love to have that opportunity, but people who listen to me think that I only complain about it. I don't regret going (because otherwise I wouldn't have met Darren) but I regret some of my reasons for going I think. I really did have the overwhelming urge to 'run away' from life in Sydney and experience something else.
If I wasn't confused enough about where I was in my life before, I am really confused now.
Disappointment and unhappiness come from our wants and expectations not being fulfilled or executed. So what do I want? I wanted to come home and go back to the other house with all my things just as I left them, I wanted Tommy to stay just the way he was when I left, I want financial security and the security of independence. I want to be with Darren.
None of these things match up with how I thought my life should be so naturally I'm pretty down about it. I've talked to a few people who have come back home after living away for a long time. One guy, who was away for 15 months (like me) said it took him almost a year to settle back in. Peta, my friend from Dublin, said she's only just getting back into it now and she got home in late November after being away for almost 3 years. I haven't even been home a week!
Been meeting up with lots of friends though and that's helping me to remind me of the good things I have back here. Will be meeting up with more over the coming weeks, too. I really did miss every one of my friends while I was away so it's nice to know they are within arms reach again if I ever wanted to see them. Feeling isolated was a big problem for me when I was away, and it's funny but that's the first thing I felt when I came back. Isolated-more like estranged I suppose. I just need to fit back in to life and decide whether I want to try and have a life like I had before I left or if I can do it another way. It's the perfect opportunity if I wanted to 'turn over a new leaf' and go on a different path but I was quite happy with the way things were going before I left...
Anyway enough of that bullshit.
I upgraded my phone and I got one of those BlackBerry brick contraptions. I don't think it's so crash hot, to be honest. The browser is pretty ordinary (my old phone seemed to be able to do more with the internet) and it's aggravating to type using the touch screen. It's really the working mans phone and I feel like I have to be more businesslike or something to justify having it. But yeah, maybe I should have got the Sony Ericsson one, even though it was a slide (I had slide phones). I like Sony Ericsson...plus it had an 8mp camera in it.
Oh well...maybe it will redeem itself once I get to know all the features on it better.
Might be going down to Gerringong camping from Wednesday to Friday at Werri Beach. It's late notice but if anybody wants to go along it's $15pp/pn for a powered site. A little cheaper for an unpowered. If I can scrape together some money (cash in my foreign money perhaps) then I might go. Not like I have anything else to do.
I had a good job so I could afford nice things, I cleaned up the other house so I could move into it, my pets and family were all healthy, I had a car to get myself about and I was in a not too bad shape.
Now look at me.
I'm broke, jobless, living back at home with the parents with no car. The other house has been trashed again and looks worse than before I cleaned it up and two of my pets are practically on deaths door. Plus I've put on loads of weight.
Here I was thinking that going away was the best and I needed to get out, but honestly I can't think of why I thought living in a city I hated doing a job I absolutely hated and gave me grey hairs was preferable to what I left behind? I've picked up a few bad habits from being away but I think the worst one was being ungrateful for the things I do for myself. Nobody made me go away and nobody made me stay...I did and alot of people would love to have that opportunity, but people who listen to me think that I only complain about it. I don't regret going (because otherwise I wouldn't have met Darren) but I regret some of my reasons for going I think. I really did have the overwhelming urge to 'run away' from life in Sydney and experience something else.
If I wasn't confused enough about where I was in my life before, I am really confused now.
Disappointment and unhappiness come from our wants and expectations not being fulfilled or executed. So what do I want? I wanted to come home and go back to the other house with all my things just as I left them, I wanted Tommy to stay just the way he was when I left, I want financial security and the security of independence. I want to be with Darren.
None of these things match up with how I thought my life should be so naturally I'm pretty down about it. I've talked to a few people who have come back home after living away for a long time. One guy, who was away for 15 months (like me) said it took him almost a year to settle back in. Peta, my friend from Dublin, said she's only just getting back into it now and she got home in late November after being away for almost 3 years. I haven't even been home a week!
Been meeting up with lots of friends though and that's helping me to remind me of the good things I have back here. Will be meeting up with more over the coming weeks, too. I really did miss every one of my friends while I was away so it's nice to know they are within arms reach again if I ever wanted to see them. Feeling isolated was a big problem for me when I was away, and it's funny but that's the first thing I felt when I came back. Isolated-more like estranged I suppose. I just need to fit back in to life and decide whether I want to try and have a life like I had before I left or if I can do it another way. It's the perfect opportunity if I wanted to 'turn over a new leaf' and go on a different path but I was quite happy with the way things were going before I left...
Anyway enough of that bullshit.
I upgraded my phone and I got one of those BlackBerry brick contraptions. I don't think it's so crash hot, to be honest. The browser is pretty ordinary (my old phone seemed to be able to do more with the internet) and it's aggravating to type using the touch screen. It's really the working mans phone and I feel like I have to be more businesslike or something to justify having it. But yeah, maybe I should have got the Sony Ericsson one, even though it was a slide (I had slide phones). I like Sony Ericsson...plus it had an 8mp camera in it.
Oh well...maybe it will redeem itself once I get to know all the features on it better.
Might be going down to Gerringong camping from Wednesday to Friday at Werri Beach. It's late notice but if anybody wants to go along it's $15pp/pn for a powered site. A little cheaper for an unpowered. If I can scrape together some money (cash in my foreign money perhaps) then I might go. Not like I have anything else to do.