Chronicles of Love and Hate; Lessons in life.
EDIT: Per request, I changed the name of one of the people involved in this entry. Changed the name to Delilah
So, before I even get to this one, I have some things I need to say.
UNO! It has been two years since I first started writing in this thing. I wrote what was on my mind when I couldn’t sleep at all hours of the morning. I have been an open book. My feelings, thoughts, and opinions of myself, the people around me, the world, and how they all interact with each other have been what the majority of my insomnia induced posts have been about. There’s not much that I wanted to write and didn’t put on here, and I only made a few friends only or private posts. What I write, I think, speaks to human nature, it is something that almost anyone reading can relate to, and most have been through similar trials, tribulations, and dilemmas that I have detailed in almost 400 pages in the past two years. Yes, everyone has their own problems, turmoils, dilemmas, whiney emo bullshit, fears, philosophies, and concerns, but I share mine with anyone who is willing to take the time to read. Because of this, I have seemingly gained many readers. People I have never met found this thing and read it, strangers, professors, family members, people I haven’t talked to in years, co-workers, acquaintances, close friends, friends of friends, and friends of friends of friends have all come up to me at one point and time and said “I really like your livejournal”. It’s flattering really. Many people have said that I should write a book. I enjoy writing, and people apparently like reading, so I just may…... I don’t think I could write fiction. I don’t have the creative language or imagination to do so. I do think, however, I can write in a very organized manner, and analyze and observe things very well. Anyways, the main point of this part, is that from now on, IF I STILL WRITE, this journal will most likely be friends only. Also, I made a different journal which will have different types of entries in it, which will also be friends only. Check my previous entry for info on that. I don’t care who reads this, but I would like to know who IS reading it. Because so much of my family has read this, and my future involvement with the military, I can’t write about what I want to with the extent that I want, and with the comfort that it won’t bite me in the ass in the future. So, if you still want to read, comment here or my previous entry, e-mail me, and make a LJ account and friend me.
TWO. This entry will be a culmination and summation of a lot of which I have gone through, learned, and observed over the past few years, and how it all affects me now, and in the future. So, I will be linking many of my old entries that I particularly liked, and are relevant to this entry…. In this entry. If you want to read them and haven’t, just click. I don’t expect anyone to read all of them (unless you are psycho) but there is one which I will mention that I would like people to read for the sole purpose that it ties in nicely with this entry.
THREE, and probably most importantly…… I think I have a high moral standard. It’s important to me to try to be a good person. One thing that I really pride myself on is my word. If I give you my word, I want you to be able to steak your life on it. I consciously can only think of one time I broke my word, and I still regret it. Honesty is very important to me. That being said, in this entry, I will break my word to at least four people, including myself. Why? I have this need to write what I am about to, if you know me, I will make a lot more sense if you know what I went through. I need to be understood. People also need to understand the reasoning behind my actions, and the reason for the change in my persona over the past few years. There are a few people in particular who deserve details and knowledge which I never conveyed to them. In particular, I am speaking those women in the past who I have dated (especially heather). They deserve to know why I did, thought, and acted the way I did, because if anyone ever got more than “It was bad”, consider yourself informed. To those people whose word I am breaking. I am sorry, and I mean that. You helped me out when I needed it most, you did things for me with the confidence that nobody would ever know. I feel as if I used you, manipulated you, that I didn’t deserve what you did for me. Take comfort though that no names will be used, and that the parties that would be concerned, either::: never read this, will not be able to find out who I am talking about if they did, will not have evidence to take legal action if they did, or in the case of Delilah, stopped reading after a Verry pissed off entry I wrote about her (At the bottom)
And Lastly, I wrote some parts of this entry a while ago, some more recently, and some… now.
All that being said, what follows is very personal. It has affected me in so many ways, and so many more I have not even begun to understand. It is about my first real relationship, the changes I went through in it, and how the manner in which it ended had indescribable and astronomical affects on me. What I am going to write is as much of the story as I am willing to share, more than I have told anyone, and probably more than anyone knows…..
(parts of this may look familiar to those who can read my friends only posts)
“I’ll probably die cold and alone.”
Ever since I first started having an interest in the opposite sex, I have always felt, had a gut feeling on the inside, that I was destined to be alone. I feel this, because so few women interest me. I really didn’t date at all in high school, not because I didn’t want to, or I couldn’t, but because I didn’t want to date any of the girls I had known, and the extreme select few I was very interested in already had boyfriends, obviously.
Delilah was the first girl I ever met who I was interested in, who seemed at all interested in me. I first met her on a venture crew trip in January of 2002. It was a ski Trip to loon, I went with a bunch of friends from high school, but I hung out a lot with her, and really took an intense liking to her. I remember as soon as I saw her in the parking lot before we left, I had that intense and seemingly random feeling of attraction towards her. After that trip, I didn’t ask for her number or anything, because at the time, I had no confidence in myself, and I regretted it.
Fast forward eight months, to August. There was another Venture Crew trip going white water rafting. Although I liked rafting, the ONLY reason I signed up was the chance that I would get to see her again. To make a long story short, I did get her number that trip. You can read a bit more in detail in the late night memories section of This post..
“I feel like I’ve known you forever, I feel I can trust you…. That means a lot to me”
After being friends for a while, we started dating, it felt so right, it felt like I had known her forever. This was my first real girlfriend. I had been on dates before, like, just to the movies or something, but I didn’t get my first kiss till I was 16, so the whole girlfriend thing was still very new to me. We started dating on September 1st, 2002. She was like one of the guys, I was completely comfortable around her. I had a list of everything I had looked for in a girl, and she met ALL of those things, except that she was strait edge. I didn’t care, I had liked to party and smoke pot every now and then, but it wasn’t a big part of my life - I even quit smoking while we were dating, she didn’t even ask me to, it just made her uncomfortable, so I didn’t do that. Aside from that, the only other (apparent) difference between us was that she was very religious, and I wasn’t (although I had been searching and questioning religion and my spirituality (second part of post) for a long time).
This was without a doubt, the happiest time of my life. I had finally found a girl that met my standards that I was interested in, that I had that attachment and deep attraction for, and that felt it back for me. I thought for so long that I wouldn’t ever find anyone and when I did…. Amazing…..
“Does it…. Lessen me?”
You wouldn’t have known it unless you read into things (correctly), paid really close attention, and got to know her really well, but Delilah had a LOT of problems. Within a week of us hanging out, I had figured out she had horrible sleeping problems due to traumatic events, and even though she didn’t say anything, I had this gut feeling like it was previous boy problems. I was right. Although she never said that horrid word, she told me in her own way……. She was emotionally, physically, verbally, and sexually abused in her past relationships (which had all been forced upon her). She was….. tormented, beaten, and controlled. Some of the stories she shared with me…. I was horrified, I didn’t think another person could do that to another human. I’ve seen What that can do to people…. I wanted to kill her ex, she still went to school with her, I saw him when I picked her up from school every day, but she asked me not to do anything, so I didn’t…. I didn’t want her to see me get violent anyways, and I probably would have ended up in jail. I’m not an angry or violent person at all, but the one time in a million where I do get angry, you don’t want to be there.
“My body doesn’t want to sleep, it knows what happens when I fall asleep…”
She would have horrible nightmares every night, she couldn’t sleep, she had no sense of self worth, self esteem, or confidence, she thought she was weak, that she couldn’t do anything, useless, ugly, and nothing. She was uncomfortable and afraid of anything sexual. She would ALWAYS apologize, for everything, she was used to it. She always asked my permission to do things. She didn’t even know what kind of music she liked and didn’t because she wasn’t allowed to listen to what she wanted. She was very timid and shy, I could see all this…. All I wanted was to help her through all that. It was so clear to me (whether I was right or wrong) what an amazing person she was. She ran so many events for charity all on her own, she helped out her family because they were poor, helped her friends, ran lots of school/church events, helped the community, did good deeds all the time, way more than I had ever done, just an amazing, selfless person. I told her every day how beautiful, amazing, intelligent, and special she was. I told her she didn’t have to apologize for every little thing, or ask me permission to go to church, or see her friends, or go out places without me. I encouraged her, and made her feel good about herself. It was so different to her, she wasn’t used to it. ALL of her previous relationships had been forced on her.
“You took me out of all this….. all this pain and misery….”
Slowly as the months went on, she changed. I saw her change, her sense of self worth grew, she felt strong again, she felt like she was pretty. One of the first times we made out…. She burst into tears, I didn’t think we’d be doing anything like that again, but I didn’t care, I loved her. It was a LONG time before we ever did anything beyond kiss together, but to see her sexuality grow (something I thought was so traumatized by her past) and her even become enthusiastic about it with me…. It was amazing, it was an amazing feeling to know that because of me (or at least, largely because of me), she got through all that. I had helped her through hell. Like I said, she had nightmares and flashbacks, I even helped them go away, after about six months into our relationship, they were occurring less often, and eventually, she stopped having them, and she could sleep. Amazing. It felt so good to grow and change with her.
“I swore to god that all men were scum, I told him to prove me wrong, and wow, he sure did….”
She said I restored her faith in men, and herself. I told her I wasn’t special, I was just a nice guy, she said I was a blessing from God, hah.
She helped me through a lot to, even if she didn’t know it. She helped my sense of self worth, my self esteem, my confidence, and she helped me sleep. Sexually, our relationship was really one sided, but I did get a lot of practice, and it certainly served me (and some special ladies) well in the future. As soon as we said we loved each other (that took a while to, didn’t want to rush anything) I could sleep with ease. I just remembered that night at night, and for a year straight, my insomnia was gone, I slept like a baby.
“Eric….. I …… *long pause* I think you’re awesome.
Right when she said that, I knew, I could feel it, I could see it in her eyes….
“I think you’re awesome too, but that’s not what you were going to say, was it….?”
*pause*
“I Know, because I feel the same.”
“You do?”
“Yeah…… Delilah, I love you”
“I love you to”
I was in love, and it was bliss. What is love? I don’t think you can define it, love is the most powerful emotion there is, love is love…. Love is putting the needs of someone else before your own, love is everything. Love is willingly making yourself vulnerable. There are many descriptions of love, but no words will ever do that feeling justice. A metaphor that rings true for me though, is that Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, and trusting them not to…. It was the best 16 months of my life. The love I felt for her was stronger than anything I could have possibly imagined, anything I have ever known and anything I have ever experienced to this day. I think after that, I got a better understanding of the way my parents feel about me, because I felt it for her. I would have done anything for her, given my life, and I meant that. I worried about her when she went away, I thought about her all the time. Doing things for her made me happy.
“Remember…. It’s a promise to God”
I’m going to be blunt here: I wanted to have sex with her. I was in LOVE. I had finally found what I was searching for, a soul mate, a companion in life, someone who made me feel good, no matter what, I was in love. If we shared that ultimate bond which to me signifies so much… trust, respect, caring, honor, and most of all, love, that would have meant so much to me, especially knowing her past. I would have known that she truly would have overcame everything… with me. She said she wanted to wait for marriage, as per her religion. You know what, as much as I wanted to have sex, it didn’t bother me that much. I was willing to wait, something like that I could have waited for. I respected her religion, and her views, I loved her. I held sex in a very high regard, higher than most. I always felt that sex should be reserved for love, and should be a physical expression of love. I held out for that too, for a long time. It was this naïve and foolish view that caused me to be a Virgin for so long..
“Eric, Promise me you’ll never leave me, I don’t know what I’d do without you….”
College came. She went to Norwich University, a military school. We knew it was going to be hard; she didn’t get much leave from school at all. At first everything was normal. I saw her in October for the first time since mid august. It was parents weekend, but her family LOVED me, so they let me stay with them in a hotel for a few nights so I could see her. Everything seemed fine then. After a while, about the middle of November, I could never get a hold of her. She wouldn’t respond to e-mails, she stopped calling ( I wasn’t allowed to call her cause of the military school….. at least that’s what she said), and was very distant. Just a few weeks before, we were talking about how much we were going to be all over each other come thanksgiving break, it would have been the first time since august since we had any “alone” time. When she came back, she was very distant, and she said she didn’t want any alone time, she said she was worn out at school, and needed her space…. Ok, again, I respected her feelings and wishes. I knew something more was wrong when I could barely get a hold of her even when she was home on break. She was purposefully avoiding me over break. Why do people avoid? When they have a guilty conscience, when they have something they don’t want to face, or when they dislike the person. I knew she didn’t like me. The one time I DID see her, it was only for a two or three hours, and it was only so she could say “I think we should take a break”. When people want a break from a relationship, it’s usually because they already have someone else in mind they want to test out……
“Knowledge is Power”
It was at this point, I was really suspicious. I won’t say EVERYTHING I did to get info, because some if it is downright creepy (that stuff I didn’t do till after the breakup). I’m actually ashamed and disgusted with myself….. also a bit scared, because I know how much information someone can get if they were so inclined, and had the resources. However, I will say this: I know many people, of many ages, of many talents, in many areas. I could get a hit on someone if I wanted, Illegal arms, free food at many places, privy information in some towns, etc etc….. I do favors for people whenever I can, so they owe me one. Over the course of four months, between October, and January, I called in many favors. I had people at her school keep an eye on her. Of the two other people I was acquainted with at Norwich, one of them was very close to her friends, and got a lot of info for me. The other one literally just kept an eye on her. Another person, who I met through Everquest, and talked with online and played many games with helped me a ton. This guy was smart, real smart. He recently graduated from Northeastern with some graduate degree dealing with computers. I had asked him to spy on instant message conversations between Delilah, and her best friend who went there. After I got some more info, he did this when he could. He didn’t want to at first, because of the possible circumstances of getting caught, be he eventually did, and sent me seven (I think it was seven, I have since deleted all but one) conversations. For his reasons, he sent them to me at the end of January on a CD through the mail all at once. I promised him nobody would find this out. Sorry man, but I don’t think anybody will be able to figure it out anyways.
“I need some time out of a relationship”
Again, over Winter break, she was hard to get a hold of, I didn’t even get to see her till January 1st…. our 16 month anniversary. At this point, I hadn’t had any conversations sent to me yet (although he had them) so I didn’t know what was coming. HOWEVER, one of my friends who was busy running all over providence at that point in his life said he saw her with some guy down there, but wasn’t sure if it was Delilah since he had only met her once….. I had a feeling what was coming, but I didn’t know for sure. When we hung out, played DDR, saw a movie, went bowling… things seemed ok, but still very different. Like we were…. Friends, not dating. Also, while we were out, some guy called her twice, and she shrugged him off the phone, “I’ll call you later, I’m busy”. I asked her who it was, she just said, of course “A friend”. Yeah, a friend all right. In any case, I can read people very well (although there were many obvious clues), and I could see she had something on her mind, so I just blatantly said…. “spit it out, what do you want to say”. I knew it was coming, she broke up with me. She said college had changed us both (At that time, I certainly hadn’t changed) and that she needed space, and time out of a relationship to straighten out her military career.
“There ain’t no way to hide your lying eyes.”
When people lie, it’s not hard to tell, especially if it’s about something big. They won’t look at you, they look down and to the side. When they are thinking of something to say, they look up. If you do make eye contact, they will look away quickly. You can hear it in their voice, it’s more shaky. Blood pressure and heartbeat rise, so when they talk, you can hear them almost…. Fluttering in their speech. Same thing in their breath. They don’t breathe normal; heavy and slow. Delilah was doing all of this, and furthermore, she was very used to speaking in public, or under pressure and was a great speaker, so she shouldn’t of been as nervous as she was, even given the fact that she was breaking up with me. Having broken up with someone myself for semi cliché reasons, I know when someone is speaking from the heart, and she was not. Delilah also had a tell when she lied. She lied to me a few times in our relationship. Sometimes I knew about what, others I didn’t, but I never called her on it. I figured it was nothing big, or it had to do with her issues that she had from past relationships (I later came to found out she was lying most of those times, and it was about something big once, she cheated on me AT LEAST once while we were dating, that I know of, and I’m 90% certain of another time). Her tell was, that she would casually over emphasize the opposite of what she was actually doing/intending/thinking/etc. She also threw out all these clichés like:
“We’ve both changed so much”
“College is really stressful and I need to focus on school”
“I really need time out of a relationship”
“I can’t have the extra emotions of a relationship getting in the way now”
“I’ve gone through so much at school”
“I’m so stressed out because of school”
“I feel I can’t be in a relationship right now”
“I know it sounds cliché but……”
People use clichés when then can’t think of anything better. She was not speaking from the heart, and I could tell.
“She wasn’t being very honest…. Like, no shred of honesty”
Her best friend liked me, or at least felt bad for me, so I talked to her (this is the same one I was spying on, but had not received the convos yet). That night, immediately after I got home from being dumped, I asked her the real reason Delilah broke up with me, cause I knew it was bullshit what she said. Eventually I got her to tell me the truth.. My girlfriend had been seeing someone else since November, and furthermore, she had been sleeping with him. What the fuck!?!
“The truth can hurt, a lie can destroy…”
At that point, I felt so many conflicting emotions towards her…. Seething flames of hatred coursed through my veins, dark tears of agony ran down my face, love seeped out of my broken heart, burning hatred was held tight in my clasped fists, my mind was muddled with confusion and questions, envy, pride, anger, everything, nothing…. Emotional overload…… in that instant that I went into shock, literally. I made a post about it. I didn’t know it then, but that was the beginning of the rest of my life. In that instant, although I wouldn’t realize it until later, all of my thoughts, views, reasoning’s for, opinions of love, trust, sex, life, women, relationships, the world, how it works, what I want out of it, and how I want to get there, they all changed. At that point, a little piece of me died. At that point, my heart broke, and I don’t mean that in the typical sense, I mean that it would stop working on an emotional level. Shattered…. Shattered isn’t the best word, but it’s the first word that comes to mind. I was fucking shattered. It was there that I found my solicitude: my face buried in my palms, my knees arched high. My back pressed hard against a blank white wall. It was there that I found room to let myself go. Head in hands, eyes shut tight, away from the searing gaze of my room, away from the world, away from humanity. It was there that I was alone and knew that I was to always be.
Since then, I haven’t been the same. Do you have any idea what that made me think of myself? All the doubts about myself? Why not me? After all I did for her, after all we went through, how could she? What was so bad about me, after knowing this girl for about 2 years, and dating her for 16 months, that she wouldn’t have sex with me, someone who loved and cared for her immensely, but she would have sex with this guy she practically just met. Do you have any idea what kind of self doubts that brings up!? What does that say about me? I feel like she used me. I feel like I was the best option, the best card available to her at the time, and she played me for what I was worth. When something better came along, she discarded me without a second thought.
“I don’t take insults on my character”
I never told her I knew, I never told her that her best friend told me. I never told her I was spying on her conversations, and her actions, I never told her all the circumstantial evidence I had, what I had heard from others, and what I had found out from pure coincidence. I talked with her still, dropping minor hints and innuendo. All I wanted was the truth, I wasn’t THAT mad that she found someone else…. If she was happy, fine, I just wanted her to be happy, all I cared about was her well being, but HOW could she lie to me like that. She knew how I felt about honesty. Being lied to is one of the few things that truly pisses me off. That was the worst thing she could have done, LIE. I hate being lied to. How can I trust another girl again? The person who I was closest to, who I trusted more than anyone, who I thought cared for me and loved me LIED to me….. I don’t think I can trust… I don’t think anyone can truly trust another person, I trusted her the most, she was the last person on earth I would have seen this coming from…. This whole incident SHATTERED me. I was an absolute wreck for a long time. I didn’t let it show either, not after the first two weeks or so, moping around just drags everyone else down, I kept it on the inside. Even though I’m pretty much over her now, just the mention of her name makes me want to drop to my knees, and vomit, it feels like my insides are going to fall out of my body. Now I don’t sleep anymore, now I have this constant, nagging feeling on the inside, like I’m missing something, and it affects me every day. Why, why would she do this to me? I wish I hadn’t restored her faith in men, then maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Nice guys finish last.
“Do you really see all that in me? I’m not all of those things, Eric….”
She did it again at her school, she was seeing two guys at the same time, and she utterly broke one of their hearts. I found out she cheated me at LEAST once in the past as well. I wonder, did she change, or was she always a devious, selfish, cold hearted bitch? She always told me she wasn’t the nice, caring loving girl I said she was…. This is probably what she meant.
“It’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all”
That helped me get over her though, she was NOT the girl I fell in love with. It was the best 16 months of my life, I hope I find love again someday, it’s an amazing feeling. I just wish my first breakup didn’t go so horrible… probably worst case scenario.
“My only mistake was not grouping you with my other ex’s”
Eventually she found out I knew she was seeing someone (She didn’t know that I knew she wasn’t a virgin anymore) but she DIDN’T EVEN ADMIT TO IT THEN! She even bitched me out for being intrusive and creepy (even though she didn’t even know to what extent), what the fuck?
I just need a girl to restore my faith in women I guess…. I didn’t know they could be so cold, devious, ungrateful, and bitchy….. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger I guess… but scars remind you of times past…….
Did she really love me? Did she really care? What happened, what if, why…. It’s best not to think of such things.
You trained me not to love after you showed me what it was.
“You left me high and dry and it changed me”
The effect she had on my life was astronomical. Backtrack to me going in shock. For about two weeks after that, I was a wreck. Depression like I have never experienced, it crippled me. I languished away in my own private world. I had no motivation, and all I wanted to do was sleep so I wouldn’t have to experience turmoil of my consciousness… but…. my insomnia which had vanished for a while was back, and for about two months, I didn’t sleep more than ten hours a week. That is when I started this journal.
That next semester at school, I tried not to let things show, but I was still very, very numb. I couldn’t concentrate at all on my classes, I just had this whole incident on my mind. I failed two classes that semester, and it is still biting me in the ass. Up through the end of the semester, I was a wreck. When summer came, I started to pick up the broken pieces of who I was, and reassemble them.
That summer, I worked three Jobs. I worked anywhere from 60-80 hours a week, with one full time job working in 120 degree attics all summer, and two part time jobs, fun way (in mornings on weekends) and delivery for dominos (nights on weekends). I didn’t do this because I needed money. My original motivation for these masochistic actions was that if I worked my body hard enough, I would eventually fall asleep. This helped me sleep somewhat. The other, main reason, was that if I were busy enough, I wouldn’t think about Delilah as much. As busy as I was, that was one of the best summers I have ever had. I had some free time, I had lots of money, and I was enjoying working hard, and being busy, I liked it.
This is when the first major change hit me: I realized that I liked being active, and busy. . You probably noticed that I am a very busy kid, it is partially still, because of my original two reasons, but mostly, because I like it. Before, I was a lazy kid, I will admit that. I didn’t have much of a work ethic, I did just enough. After, I loved working, and that work ethic that I had in jobs transferred over to my school.
This is when the second major change began to take place. Because I was enjoying myself, and wasn’t (extremely) depressed to the point where it hindered my logic, thoughts, and actions, I was able to reflect on and analyze the whole situation with Delilah.
Up until Delilah, I had always wanted someone else to make me happy, a soul mate, someone who I could fall in love with, marry, and be happy with. You know what? That won’t work for me, at least anytime soon. I realized that other people, especially women, are too unpredictable and self centered, and that you have to achieve happiness on your own; relying on someone else for your own happiness will only set you up for misery, because in general, most people are looking out for Numero uno.. You may say, “Eric, that is cynical , you can’t let one bad experience with women affect you like this”. I may say, you are right, but it is human nature to look out for yourself first, and I’m not closing myself off completely to relationships, but I’m saying is that I have to be independent, and find happiness for myself, on my own. If someone comes into my life that I can share it with, great, but I’m not expecting, or counting on it. I can’t control what other’s do or think, I can only control myself.
What makes me happy? Well, I don’t know, but I know what I enjoy (which is different than happiness). I enjoy being active and busy, I enjoy spending time with my friends, I enjoy the outdoors, I enjoy snowboarding, video games, mountain biking, astronomy, concerts, learning, long walks at night under clear skies, I enjoy a cold beer on a hot summer day, I enjoy a lot of things. I have a lot of goals I’d like to accomplish too, like learning the piano or guitar, traveling, LOTS, sky diving more, and perhaps being an instructor, maybe setting up my own environmental business in Hawaii (seriously, I’ve been looking into this), spending a lot of time outdoors, and much more When I was with Delilah, hell, even if she had broken up with me in a normal fashion, I was planning on going into Engineering so I could make a lot of money, and be happy with another person. Not now, not anymore. Now, I couldn’t stand being crumped up inside a cubicle working 9-5 writing code, doing problems, and math all day. I would go insane, that is not for me…….
All this thinking, what I wanted, how I wanted to get there, what I didn’t want, this all lead me to the biggest choice I have ever made. This choice was to join Army ROTC. So, I went back to school, changed my major to something I have a real interest in (Psychology, and picked up justice studies as a second major for the hell of it), and joined ROTC. Just being involved with ROTC has changed me too. My character, values, and world views have been influenced by being surrounded by army people. Many people have called me stupid, many people try to convince me not to, many people who I have never met, when they find out I’m in ROTC, form negative opinions of me (which is a shame, because I tend to associate with more liberal people), but I don’t care. I gave many reasons for joining, but that is one I never really shared or explained to anyone. I have already looked back on my life, and said “I wish I could have done ”. I don’t want to ever say that again, I don’t want to be one of those people who is 40, and realizes they lived their whole life wrong, and missed opportunities. I don’t want to be stuck in a job I hate. Because I don’t think you can truly appreciate life till you put your life on the line. I want to be happy, and there is no fucking genie in a magic lamp to do it for me, I need to do it for myself. Because if you want something you’ve never had, you need to do something you’ve never done. I am doing this for myself, I am doing this so I can find happiness on my own, I am doing this to achieve my own goals, and I don’t think there is a better reason than that.
The third major change in me is my emotionality. I used to be a pretty emotional kid….not emo depressed emotional, but just expressive with my emotions. I found that since my break up, I really don’t experience, or have any significant emotions beyond me knowing what I like and dislike. It’s not that I have no emotions anymore, but…. The best way I can describe it is with an analogy. Take colorblind people. They see black and white, in many shades. They know that the colors are there, and the can distinguish darker colors from brighter colors, but they don’t really experience them. That’s how it has been with my emotions. I recognize that they are there, but I don’t feel them. I’ve become so numb. There were times where I should have been very emotional, and I wasn’t, I couldn’t. They just aren’t there. The only things I really do feel are my preference and likes and dislikes of everything, and I wouldn’t even really call those emotions.
I feel really bad about this, because it has affected other people as well, namely, the few girls I have dated, that have fallen for me since I dated Delilah. I feel especially bad for Heather. I mean, she was really everything I could have ever wanted or asked for. We were, and still are so much alike. We made an amazing couple, and I can’t help but wonder how things would have been with Heather if I had a normal breakup. The perfect girlfriend, an amazing person, but as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t love her back, and it eventually drove our relationship apart.
This is why for the past year at least, I am voluntarily single (although I think it’s time to get back on that horse again). I have had no interest in a relationship, because all of mine thus far have either cause me immense pain, or had me hurt others because I could not feel for them. I’m not opposed to relationships, and if I find one, then great. With me planning to go into the army, and how my feelings aren’t working, it just doesn’t make sense to have one. Everyone wants to find love, including myself, but all the crap I have been through because of that word makes me wonder: Is love really worth it? (if you click on one of these, click this one… my favorite entry.)
Sex too. I used to hold sex in such a high regard, before I had ever had it. Her actions de-valued it for me. It went from being a bond of immense trust, love, and pleasure, to just something to do for the hell of it. I went on a sex binge when I was somewhat stable, and never really had a real positive sexual experience with any of the women I was with. I mean, yeah, I got off a few times (Only about 10 times ever form sex), but most of the time, I would just keep going FOREVER, fake an orgasm to get it over with, or I would just “lose interest” and stop. Before I had sex, I said that sex should be reserved for love, and I think that if I ever love someone again, I will enjoy sex, but I have never had sex with someone I love, and probably wont anytime soon.
I wish I could be one of those guys, normal guys, who can just enjoy sex for the sex. That would make life so much easier. As much as my body is telling me to go out, and use what god gave me, I can’t really enjoy sex on a purely physical level without the emotional part (the part which I enjoy most) which augments the physical part. That would explain why I got more physical enjoyment out of making out with someone I love, rather than sex with someone I don’t. If I can’t experience emotion, how can I enjoy it? I was thinking, maybe it’s just the women? Most of the girls I have slept with, and most of the times I do have sex… the girl just kinda lays there, and lets me do my thing, so to speak. The phrase….. dead fish comes to mind. I can be, and want to be very adventurous in bed, maybe I just need to find a girl who is sexually enlightened (read: a freak) in bed. However, I don’t want to go through all the energy and effort to find that.
All of these changes have lead to ME focusing on ME. Like I said, I’ve become more selfish, and I see nothing wrong with that. I’ve started to benefit from it already. I’m gona do whatever the fuck I want, and if you want to join me, that’s fine, and if not, too bad.
“Hi… who is this?”
“Who is this?”
“You first, I got a drunken text message from this number, and I don’t know who this is.”
“This is *last name*.”
“*last name*? As in Delilah *last name*?”
“Yeah, who is this.”
“This is Eric……”
Halloween, 2005, 3am.
The last thing I needed after a night of drunken debauchery was to end up on the phone with my ex girlfriend, who was also drunk. At that point, I hadn’t spoken to this girl in maybe a year. Now I was drunk, still at a party at my place, at three in the morning, with Delilah on the phone. Priceless. From what I can remember, she was friendly on the phone. She said she missed me, and she wanted to see me, and had some things she wanted to say to me.
At this point, I had forgotten (as much as I could have) about her. While I was recouping, things that reminded me of her would make me feel shitty, or worse. If I saw her online, I felt like crap. I tried to deal with it, but I would just keep thinking about her, how wonderful our relationship was, the good times we had, what we did, and I would just feel like crap. Dealing with it didn’t work. I had to forget. I removed her from my buddy list, got rid of anything that reminded me of her that I had, and purposefully disassociated things that reminded me of her. I associated them to other things. Whenever I had a thought about her, I would immediately think of something else. The brain is like any muscle in the body, if you don’t use it, you lose it so to speak. Memories are the same way. According to modern psychology we don’t ever “forget” so to speak, but what we lose is the means to retrieve memories which are stored. The neural pathways are lost and broken. For all intensive purposes though, the memories are gone. After a year of that, I can’t really remember much at all about our relationship, even if I tried (and I have). There are a few events that stick out, but beyond that they are gone. I’m almost sad, but it’s probably better this way. I have had so many conflicting emotions and feelings toward this girl, that they all cancelled each other out, and I am left with nothing. Aside from how much I have changed because of this girl, the only remnants of my relationship with her, is that I still do care for her. I don’t think that can ever die. I will always hope for good things for her (and I’m sure they will come), and I will always be somewhat curious to know what she is up to. So, when she said she wanted to meet…. What the hell I said.
We met at Jimmy’s pub in Mansfield over that thanksgiving break. She was pretty nervous. She told me she was. She thought I was going to flip out and yell at her, she asked me not to get mad before we met, she wanted things civil. Hah, I’m not mad at her(anymore), I’m nothing at her. Things were nice. It was strangely nice to see her. We got along surprisingly well, real well. We talked for three hours straight, caught up, talked about the army, and what we were doing with ourselves.
“So, you said you had some things to say to me?”
“I don’t do this, like, for anyone…. but for what it’s worth, I’m sorry….”
Heh, I can’t help but chuckle. When she said she had some things she wanted to say to me, I figured that maybe she might have come out finally, with the truth. I didn’t get “I’m sorry for cheating on you, breaking your heart, sending you to the brink of suicide, screwing with your head for the rest of your life.” But just, sorry. As in, sorry I broke up with you or, I’m sorry things had to be like this. One should not, and does not have to apologize for that, that is their choice. I’m sorry things had to be like this too, and yeah, I wish we could have been friends. I told her long ago that even if we stopped dating, I always wanted her in my life. She had said numerous times after the break up (including at dinner) that she wanted to be friends. As much as I would want that, it’s not possible. For what it’s worth? It’s not worth anything. I never got the truth, and that’s all I ever wanted. I haven’t spoken to her since.
I suppose I should thank her. I think I’m on a much better track in life because of her, and I gained years of wisdom in that small span of time. Like I said, I’m sorry things had to be like this too, but I can’t change the past. All I can do is make sure this never happens again.
“I looked into your eyes, and saw a world that did not exist.”
On the .001% chance you do read this….
Like I said many times in the entry. I’m not mad, angry, or sad, I’m nothing. You put me through a pain I didn’t know existed. The agony and turmoil I experienced, I would never wish on anyone. You changed my life for the worst, but probably for the best also. I will never wish misfortune upon you, and I know you are destined for great things. I hope your dreams come true, and I hope your scars heal. I will always care for you, but that is all.
“I was me but now he’s gone”
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For some reason, this song seems to fit.
What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen
In a blink of an eye and be gone from me
Soft and sweet
Let me hold it close and keep it here with me
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Love to be
In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me
Anna's ghost all around
Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through me
Soft and sweet
How the notes all bend and reach above the trees
Now how I remember you
How I would push my fingers through
Your mouth to make those muscles move
That made your voice so smooth and sweet
And now we keep where we don't know
All secrets sleep in winter clothes
With one you loved so long ago
Now he don't even know her name
What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all
So, before I even get to this one, I have some things I need to say.
UNO! It has been two years since I first started writing in this thing. I wrote what was on my mind when I couldn’t sleep at all hours of the morning. I have been an open book. My feelings, thoughts, and opinions of myself, the people around me, the world, and how they all interact with each other have been what the majority of my insomnia induced posts have been about. There’s not much that I wanted to write and didn’t put on here, and I only made a few friends only or private posts. What I write, I think, speaks to human nature, it is something that almost anyone reading can relate to, and most have been through similar trials, tribulations, and dilemmas that I have detailed in almost 400 pages in the past two years. Yes, everyone has their own problems, turmoils, dilemmas, whiney emo bullshit, fears, philosophies, and concerns, but I share mine with anyone who is willing to take the time to read. Because of this, I have seemingly gained many readers. People I have never met found this thing and read it, strangers, professors, family members, people I haven’t talked to in years, co-workers, acquaintances, close friends, friends of friends, and friends of friends of friends have all come up to me at one point and time and said “I really like your livejournal”. It’s flattering really. Many people have said that I should write a book. I enjoy writing, and people apparently like reading, so I just may…... I don’t think I could write fiction. I don’t have the creative language or imagination to do so. I do think, however, I can write in a very organized manner, and analyze and observe things very well. Anyways, the main point of this part, is that from now on, IF I STILL WRITE, this journal will most likely be friends only. Also, I made a different journal which will have different types of entries in it, which will also be friends only. Check my previous entry for info on that. I don’t care who reads this, but I would like to know who IS reading it. Because so much of my family has read this, and my future involvement with the military, I can’t write about what I want to with the extent that I want, and with the comfort that it won’t bite me in the ass in the future. So, if you still want to read, comment here or my previous entry, e-mail me, and make a LJ account and friend me.
TWO. This entry will be a culmination and summation of a lot of which I have gone through, learned, and observed over the past few years, and how it all affects me now, and in the future. So, I will be linking many of my old entries that I particularly liked, and are relevant to this entry…. In this entry. If you want to read them and haven’t, just click. I don’t expect anyone to read all of them (unless you are psycho) but there is one which I will mention that I would like people to read for the sole purpose that it ties in nicely with this entry.
THREE, and probably most importantly…… I think I have a high moral standard. It’s important to me to try to be a good person. One thing that I really pride myself on is my word. If I give you my word, I want you to be able to steak your life on it. I consciously can only think of one time I broke my word, and I still regret it. Honesty is very important to me. That being said, in this entry, I will break my word to at least four people, including myself. Why? I have this need to write what I am about to, if you know me, I will make a lot more sense if you know what I went through. I need to be understood. People also need to understand the reasoning behind my actions, and the reason for the change in my persona over the past few years. There are a few people in particular who deserve details and knowledge which I never conveyed to them. In particular, I am speaking those women in the past who I have dated (especially heather). They deserve to know why I did, thought, and acted the way I did, because if anyone ever got more than “It was bad”, consider yourself informed. To those people whose word I am breaking. I am sorry, and I mean that. You helped me out when I needed it most, you did things for me with the confidence that nobody would ever know. I feel as if I used you, manipulated you, that I didn’t deserve what you did for me. Take comfort though that no names will be used, and that the parties that would be concerned, either::: never read this, will not be able to find out who I am talking about if they did, will not have evidence to take legal action if they did, or in the case of Delilah, stopped reading after a Verry pissed off entry I wrote about her (At the bottom)
And Lastly, I wrote some parts of this entry a while ago, some more recently, and some… now.
All that being said, what follows is very personal. It has affected me in so many ways, and so many more I have not even begun to understand. It is about my first real relationship, the changes I went through in it, and how the manner in which it ended had indescribable and astronomical affects on me. What I am going to write is as much of the story as I am willing to share, more than I have told anyone, and probably more than anyone knows…..
(parts of this may look familiar to those who can read my friends only posts)
“I’ll probably die cold and alone.”
Ever since I first started having an interest in the opposite sex, I have always felt, had a gut feeling on the inside, that I was destined to be alone. I feel this, because so few women interest me. I really didn’t date at all in high school, not because I didn’t want to, or I couldn’t, but because I didn’t want to date any of the girls I had known, and the extreme select few I was very interested in already had boyfriends, obviously.
Delilah was the first girl I ever met who I was interested in, who seemed at all interested in me. I first met her on a venture crew trip in January of 2002. It was a ski Trip to loon, I went with a bunch of friends from high school, but I hung out a lot with her, and really took an intense liking to her. I remember as soon as I saw her in the parking lot before we left, I had that intense and seemingly random feeling of attraction towards her. After that trip, I didn’t ask for her number or anything, because at the time, I had no confidence in myself, and I regretted it.
Fast forward eight months, to August. There was another Venture Crew trip going white water rafting. Although I liked rafting, the ONLY reason I signed up was the chance that I would get to see her again. To make a long story short, I did get her number that trip. You can read a bit more in detail in the late night memories section of This post..
“I feel like I’ve known you forever, I feel I can trust you…. That means a lot to me”
After being friends for a while, we started dating, it felt so right, it felt like I had known her forever. This was my first real girlfriend. I had been on dates before, like, just to the movies or something, but I didn’t get my first kiss till I was 16, so the whole girlfriend thing was still very new to me. We started dating on September 1st, 2002. She was like one of the guys, I was completely comfortable around her. I had a list of everything I had looked for in a girl, and she met ALL of those things, except that she was strait edge. I didn’t care, I had liked to party and smoke pot every now and then, but it wasn’t a big part of my life - I even quit smoking while we were dating, she didn’t even ask me to, it just made her uncomfortable, so I didn’t do that. Aside from that, the only other (apparent) difference between us was that she was very religious, and I wasn’t (although I had been searching and questioning religion and my spirituality (second part of post) for a long time).
This was without a doubt, the happiest time of my life. I had finally found a girl that met my standards that I was interested in, that I had that attachment and deep attraction for, and that felt it back for me. I thought for so long that I wouldn’t ever find anyone and when I did…. Amazing…..
“Does it…. Lessen me?”
You wouldn’t have known it unless you read into things (correctly), paid really close attention, and got to know her really well, but Delilah had a LOT of problems. Within a week of us hanging out, I had figured out she had horrible sleeping problems due to traumatic events, and even though she didn’t say anything, I had this gut feeling like it was previous boy problems. I was right. Although she never said that horrid word, she told me in her own way……. She was emotionally, physically, verbally, and sexually abused in her past relationships (which had all been forced upon her). She was….. tormented, beaten, and controlled. Some of the stories she shared with me…. I was horrified, I didn’t think another person could do that to another human. I’ve seen What that can do to people…. I wanted to kill her ex, she still went to school with her, I saw him when I picked her up from school every day, but she asked me not to do anything, so I didn’t…. I didn’t want her to see me get violent anyways, and I probably would have ended up in jail. I’m not an angry or violent person at all, but the one time in a million where I do get angry, you don’t want to be there.
“My body doesn’t want to sleep, it knows what happens when I fall asleep…”
She would have horrible nightmares every night, she couldn’t sleep, she had no sense of self worth, self esteem, or confidence, she thought she was weak, that she couldn’t do anything, useless, ugly, and nothing. She was uncomfortable and afraid of anything sexual. She would ALWAYS apologize, for everything, she was used to it. She always asked my permission to do things. She didn’t even know what kind of music she liked and didn’t because she wasn’t allowed to listen to what she wanted. She was very timid and shy, I could see all this…. All I wanted was to help her through all that. It was so clear to me (whether I was right or wrong) what an amazing person she was. She ran so many events for charity all on her own, she helped out her family because they were poor, helped her friends, ran lots of school/church events, helped the community, did good deeds all the time, way more than I had ever done, just an amazing, selfless person. I told her every day how beautiful, amazing, intelligent, and special she was. I told her she didn’t have to apologize for every little thing, or ask me permission to go to church, or see her friends, or go out places without me. I encouraged her, and made her feel good about herself. It was so different to her, she wasn’t used to it. ALL of her previous relationships had been forced on her.
“You took me out of all this….. all this pain and misery….”
Slowly as the months went on, she changed. I saw her change, her sense of self worth grew, she felt strong again, she felt like she was pretty. One of the first times we made out…. She burst into tears, I didn’t think we’d be doing anything like that again, but I didn’t care, I loved her. It was a LONG time before we ever did anything beyond kiss together, but to see her sexuality grow (something I thought was so traumatized by her past) and her even become enthusiastic about it with me…. It was amazing, it was an amazing feeling to know that because of me (or at least, largely because of me), she got through all that. I had helped her through hell. Like I said, she had nightmares and flashbacks, I even helped them go away, after about six months into our relationship, they were occurring less often, and eventually, she stopped having them, and she could sleep. Amazing. It felt so good to grow and change with her.
“I swore to god that all men were scum, I told him to prove me wrong, and wow, he sure did….”
She said I restored her faith in men, and herself. I told her I wasn’t special, I was just a nice guy, she said I was a blessing from God, hah.
She helped me through a lot to, even if she didn’t know it. She helped my sense of self worth, my self esteem, my confidence, and she helped me sleep. Sexually, our relationship was really one sided, but I did get a lot of practice, and it certainly served me (and some special ladies) well in the future. As soon as we said we loved each other (that took a while to, didn’t want to rush anything) I could sleep with ease. I just remembered that night at night, and for a year straight, my insomnia was gone, I slept like a baby.
“Eric….. I …… *long pause* I think you’re awesome.
Right when she said that, I knew, I could feel it, I could see it in her eyes….
“I think you’re awesome too, but that’s not what you were going to say, was it….?”
*pause*
“I Know, because I feel the same.”
“You do?”
“Yeah…… Delilah, I love you”
“I love you to”
I was in love, and it was bliss. What is love? I don’t think you can define it, love is the most powerful emotion there is, love is love…. Love is putting the needs of someone else before your own, love is everything. Love is willingly making yourself vulnerable. There are many descriptions of love, but no words will ever do that feeling justice. A metaphor that rings true for me though, is that Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, and trusting them not to…. It was the best 16 months of my life. The love I felt for her was stronger than anything I could have possibly imagined, anything I have ever known and anything I have ever experienced to this day. I think after that, I got a better understanding of the way my parents feel about me, because I felt it for her. I would have done anything for her, given my life, and I meant that. I worried about her when she went away, I thought about her all the time. Doing things for her made me happy.
“Remember…. It’s a promise to God”
I’m going to be blunt here: I wanted to have sex with her. I was in LOVE. I had finally found what I was searching for, a soul mate, a companion in life, someone who made me feel good, no matter what, I was in love. If we shared that ultimate bond which to me signifies so much… trust, respect, caring, honor, and most of all, love, that would have meant so much to me, especially knowing her past. I would have known that she truly would have overcame everything… with me. She said she wanted to wait for marriage, as per her religion. You know what, as much as I wanted to have sex, it didn’t bother me that much. I was willing to wait, something like that I could have waited for. I respected her religion, and her views, I loved her. I held sex in a very high regard, higher than most. I always felt that sex should be reserved for love, and should be a physical expression of love. I held out for that too, for a long time. It was this naïve and foolish view that caused me to be a Virgin for so long..
“Eric, Promise me you’ll never leave me, I don’t know what I’d do without you….”
College came. She went to Norwich University, a military school. We knew it was going to be hard; she didn’t get much leave from school at all. At first everything was normal. I saw her in October for the first time since mid august. It was parents weekend, but her family LOVED me, so they let me stay with them in a hotel for a few nights so I could see her. Everything seemed fine then. After a while, about the middle of November, I could never get a hold of her. She wouldn’t respond to e-mails, she stopped calling ( I wasn’t allowed to call her cause of the military school….. at least that’s what she said), and was very distant. Just a few weeks before, we were talking about how much we were going to be all over each other come thanksgiving break, it would have been the first time since august since we had any “alone” time. When she came back, she was very distant, and she said she didn’t want any alone time, she said she was worn out at school, and needed her space…. Ok, again, I respected her feelings and wishes. I knew something more was wrong when I could barely get a hold of her even when she was home on break. She was purposefully avoiding me over break. Why do people avoid? When they have a guilty conscience, when they have something they don’t want to face, or when they dislike the person. I knew she didn’t like me. The one time I DID see her, it was only for a two or three hours, and it was only so she could say “I think we should take a break”. When people want a break from a relationship, it’s usually because they already have someone else in mind they want to test out……
“Knowledge is Power”
It was at this point, I was really suspicious. I won’t say EVERYTHING I did to get info, because some if it is downright creepy (that stuff I didn’t do till after the breakup). I’m actually ashamed and disgusted with myself….. also a bit scared, because I know how much information someone can get if they were so inclined, and had the resources. However, I will say this: I know many people, of many ages, of many talents, in many areas. I could get a hit on someone if I wanted, Illegal arms, free food at many places, privy information in some towns, etc etc….. I do favors for people whenever I can, so they owe me one. Over the course of four months, between October, and January, I called in many favors. I had people at her school keep an eye on her. Of the two other people I was acquainted with at Norwich, one of them was very close to her friends, and got a lot of info for me. The other one literally just kept an eye on her. Another person, who I met through Everquest, and talked with online and played many games with helped me a ton. This guy was smart, real smart. He recently graduated from Northeastern with some graduate degree dealing with computers. I had asked him to spy on instant message conversations between Delilah, and her best friend who went there. After I got some more info, he did this when he could. He didn’t want to at first, because of the possible circumstances of getting caught, be he eventually did, and sent me seven (I think it was seven, I have since deleted all but one) conversations. For his reasons, he sent them to me at the end of January on a CD through the mail all at once. I promised him nobody would find this out. Sorry man, but I don’t think anybody will be able to figure it out anyways.
“I need some time out of a relationship”
Again, over Winter break, she was hard to get a hold of, I didn’t even get to see her till January 1st…. our 16 month anniversary. At this point, I hadn’t had any conversations sent to me yet (although he had them) so I didn’t know what was coming. HOWEVER, one of my friends who was busy running all over providence at that point in his life said he saw her with some guy down there, but wasn’t sure if it was Delilah since he had only met her once….. I had a feeling what was coming, but I didn’t know for sure. When we hung out, played DDR, saw a movie, went bowling… things seemed ok, but still very different. Like we were…. Friends, not dating. Also, while we were out, some guy called her twice, and she shrugged him off the phone, “I’ll call you later, I’m busy”. I asked her who it was, she just said, of course “A friend”. Yeah, a friend all right. In any case, I can read people very well (although there were many obvious clues), and I could see she had something on her mind, so I just blatantly said…. “spit it out, what do you want to say”. I knew it was coming, she broke up with me. She said college had changed us both (At that time, I certainly hadn’t changed) and that she needed space, and time out of a relationship to straighten out her military career.
“There ain’t no way to hide your lying eyes.”
When people lie, it’s not hard to tell, especially if it’s about something big. They won’t look at you, they look down and to the side. When they are thinking of something to say, they look up. If you do make eye contact, they will look away quickly. You can hear it in their voice, it’s more shaky. Blood pressure and heartbeat rise, so when they talk, you can hear them almost…. Fluttering in their speech. Same thing in their breath. They don’t breathe normal; heavy and slow. Delilah was doing all of this, and furthermore, she was very used to speaking in public, or under pressure and was a great speaker, so she shouldn’t of been as nervous as she was, even given the fact that she was breaking up with me. Having broken up with someone myself for semi cliché reasons, I know when someone is speaking from the heart, and she was not. Delilah also had a tell when she lied. She lied to me a few times in our relationship. Sometimes I knew about what, others I didn’t, but I never called her on it. I figured it was nothing big, or it had to do with her issues that she had from past relationships (I later came to found out she was lying most of those times, and it was about something big once, she cheated on me AT LEAST once while we were dating, that I know of, and I’m 90% certain of another time). Her tell was, that she would casually over emphasize the opposite of what she was actually doing/intending/thinking/etc. She also threw out all these clichés like:
“We’ve both changed so much”
“College is really stressful and I need to focus on school”
“I really need time out of a relationship”
“I can’t have the extra emotions of a relationship getting in the way now”
“I’ve gone through so much at school”
“I’m so stressed out because of school”
“I feel I can’t be in a relationship right now”
“I know it sounds cliché but……”
People use clichés when then can’t think of anything better. She was not speaking from the heart, and I could tell.
“She wasn’t being very honest…. Like, no shred of honesty”
Her best friend liked me, or at least felt bad for me, so I talked to her (this is the same one I was spying on, but had not received the convos yet). That night, immediately after I got home from being dumped, I asked her the real reason Delilah broke up with me, cause I knew it was bullshit what she said. Eventually I got her to tell me the truth.. My girlfriend had been seeing someone else since November, and furthermore, she had been sleeping with him. What the fuck!?!
“The truth can hurt, a lie can destroy…”
At that point, I felt so many conflicting emotions towards her…. Seething flames of hatred coursed through my veins, dark tears of agony ran down my face, love seeped out of my broken heart, burning hatred was held tight in my clasped fists, my mind was muddled with confusion and questions, envy, pride, anger, everything, nothing…. Emotional overload…… in that instant that I went into shock, literally. I made a post about it. I didn’t know it then, but that was the beginning of the rest of my life. In that instant, although I wouldn’t realize it until later, all of my thoughts, views, reasoning’s for, opinions of love, trust, sex, life, women, relationships, the world, how it works, what I want out of it, and how I want to get there, they all changed. At that point, a little piece of me died. At that point, my heart broke, and I don’t mean that in the typical sense, I mean that it would stop working on an emotional level. Shattered…. Shattered isn’t the best word, but it’s the first word that comes to mind. I was fucking shattered. It was there that I found my solicitude: my face buried in my palms, my knees arched high. My back pressed hard against a blank white wall. It was there that I found room to let myself go. Head in hands, eyes shut tight, away from the searing gaze of my room, away from the world, away from humanity. It was there that I was alone and knew that I was to always be.
Since then, I haven’t been the same. Do you have any idea what that made me think of myself? All the doubts about myself? Why not me? After all I did for her, after all we went through, how could she? What was so bad about me, after knowing this girl for about 2 years, and dating her for 16 months, that she wouldn’t have sex with me, someone who loved and cared for her immensely, but she would have sex with this guy she practically just met. Do you have any idea what kind of self doubts that brings up!? What does that say about me? I feel like she used me. I feel like I was the best option, the best card available to her at the time, and she played me for what I was worth. When something better came along, she discarded me without a second thought.
“I don’t take insults on my character”
I never told her I knew, I never told her that her best friend told me. I never told her I was spying on her conversations, and her actions, I never told her all the circumstantial evidence I had, what I had heard from others, and what I had found out from pure coincidence. I talked with her still, dropping minor hints and innuendo. All I wanted was the truth, I wasn’t THAT mad that she found someone else…. If she was happy, fine, I just wanted her to be happy, all I cared about was her well being, but HOW could she lie to me like that. She knew how I felt about honesty. Being lied to is one of the few things that truly pisses me off. That was the worst thing she could have done, LIE. I hate being lied to. How can I trust another girl again? The person who I was closest to, who I trusted more than anyone, who I thought cared for me and loved me LIED to me….. I don’t think I can trust… I don’t think anyone can truly trust another person, I trusted her the most, she was the last person on earth I would have seen this coming from…. This whole incident SHATTERED me. I was an absolute wreck for a long time. I didn’t let it show either, not after the first two weeks or so, moping around just drags everyone else down, I kept it on the inside. Even though I’m pretty much over her now, just the mention of her name makes me want to drop to my knees, and vomit, it feels like my insides are going to fall out of my body. Now I don’t sleep anymore, now I have this constant, nagging feeling on the inside, like I’m missing something, and it affects me every day. Why, why would she do this to me? I wish I hadn’t restored her faith in men, then maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Nice guys finish last.
“Do you really see all that in me? I’m not all of those things, Eric….”
She did it again at her school, she was seeing two guys at the same time, and she utterly broke one of their hearts. I found out she cheated me at LEAST once in the past as well. I wonder, did she change, or was she always a devious, selfish, cold hearted bitch? She always told me she wasn’t the nice, caring loving girl I said she was…. This is probably what she meant.
“It’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all”
That helped me get over her though, she was NOT the girl I fell in love with. It was the best 16 months of my life, I hope I find love again someday, it’s an amazing feeling. I just wish my first breakup didn’t go so horrible… probably worst case scenario.
“My only mistake was not grouping you with my other ex’s”
Eventually she found out I knew she was seeing someone (She didn’t know that I knew she wasn’t a virgin anymore) but she DIDN’T EVEN ADMIT TO IT THEN! She even bitched me out for being intrusive and creepy (even though she didn’t even know to what extent), what the fuck?
I just need a girl to restore my faith in women I guess…. I didn’t know they could be so cold, devious, ungrateful, and bitchy….. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger I guess… but scars remind you of times past…….
Did she really love me? Did she really care? What happened, what if, why…. It’s best not to think of such things.
You trained me not to love after you showed me what it was.
“You left me high and dry and it changed me”
The effect she had on my life was astronomical. Backtrack to me going in shock. For about two weeks after that, I was a wreck. Depression like I have never experienced, it crippled me. I languished away in my own private world. I had no motivation, and all I wanted to do was sleep so I wouldn’t have to experience turmoil of my consciousness… but…. my insomnia which had vanished for a while was back, and for about two months, I didn’t sleep more than ten hours a week. That is when I started this journal.
That next semester at school, I tried not to let things show, but I was still very, very numb. I couldn’t concentrate at all on my classes, I just had this whole incident on my mind. I failed two classes that semester, and it is still biting me in the ass. Up through the end of the semester, I was a wreck. When summer came, I started to pick up the broken pieces of who I was, and reassemble them.
That summer, I worked three Jobs. I worked anywhere from 60-80 hours a week, with one full time job working in 120 degree attics all summer, and two part time jobs, fun way (in mornings on weekends) and delivery for dominos (nights on weekends). I didn’t do this because I needed money. My original motivation for these masochistic actions was that if I worked my body hard enough, I would eventually fall asleep. This helped me sleep somewhat. The other, main reason, was that if I were busy enough, I wouldn’t think about Delilah as much. As busy as I was, that was one of the best summers I have ever had. I had some free time, I had lots of money, and I was enjoying working hard, and being busy, I liked it.
This is when the first major change hit me: I realized that I liked being active, and busy. . You probably noticed that I am a very busy kid, it is partially still, because of my original two reasons, but mostly, because I like it. Before, I was a lazy kid, I will admit that. I didn’t have much of a work ethic, I did just enough. After, I loved working, and that work ethic that I had in jobs transferred over to my school.
This is when the second major change began to take place. Because I was enjoying myself, and wasn’t (extremely) depressed to the point where it hindered my logic, thoughts, and actions, I was able to reflect on and analyze the whole situation with Delilah.
Up until Delilah, I had always wanted someone else to make me happy, a soul mate, someone who I could fall in love with, marry, and be happy with. You know what? That won’t work for me, at least anytime soon. I realized that other people, especially women, are too unpredictable and self centered, and that you have to achieve happiness on your own; relying on someone else for your own happiness will only set you up for misery, because in general, most people are looking out for Numero uno.. You may say, “Eric, that is cynical , you can’t let one bad experience with women affect you like this”. I may say, you are right, but it is human nature to look out for yourself first, and I’m not closing myself off completely to relationships, but I’m saying is that I have to be independent, and find happiness for myself, on my own. If someone comes into my life that I can share it with, great, but I’m not expecting, or counting on it. I can’t control what other’s do or think, I can only control myself.
What makes me happy? Well, I don’t know, but I know what I enjoy (which is different than happiness). I enjoy being active and busy, I enjoy spending time with my friends, I enjoy the outdoors, I enjoy snowboarding, video games, mountain biking, astronomy, concerts, learning, long walks at night under clear skies, I enjoy a cold beer on a hot summer day, I enjoy a lot of things. I have a lot of goals I’d like to accomplish too, like learning the piano or guitar, traveling, LOTS, sky diving more, and perhaps being an instructor, maybe setting up my own environmental business in Hawaii (seriously, I’ve been looking into this), spending a lot of time outdoors, and much more When I was with Delilah, hell, even if she had broken up with me in a normal fashion, I was planning on going into Engineering so I could make a lot of money, and be happy with another person. Not now, not anymore. Now, I couldn’t stand being crumped up inside a cubicle working 9-5 writing code, doing problems, and math all day. I would go insane, that is not for me…….
All this thinking, what I wanted, how I wanted to get there, what I didn’t want, this all lead me to the biggest choice I have ever made. This choice was to join Army ROTC. So, I went back to school, changed my major to something I have a real interest in (Psychology, and picked up justice studies as a second major for the hell of it), and joined ROTC. Just being involved with ROTC has changed me too. My character, values, and world views have been influenced by being surrounded by army people. Many people have called me stupid, many people try to convince me not to, many people who I have never met, when they find out I’m in ROTC, form negative opinions of me (which is a shame, because I tend to associate with more liberal people), but I don’t care. I gave many reasons for joining, but that is one I never really shared or explained to anyone. I have already looked back on my life, and said “I wish I could have done ”. I don’t want to ever say that again, I don’t want to be one of those people who is 40, and realizes they lived their whole life wrong, and missed opportunities. I don’t want to be stuck in a job I hate. Because I don’t think you can truly appreciate life till you put your life on the line. I want to be happy, and there is no fucking genie in a magic lamp to do it for me, I need to do it for myself. Because if you want something you’ve never had, you need to do something you’ve never done. I am doing this for myself, I am doing this so I can find happiness on my own, I am doing this to achieve my own goals, and I don’t think there is a better reason than that.
The third major change in me is my emotionality. I used to be a pretty emotional kid….not emo depressed emotional, but just expressive with my emotions. I found that since my break up, I really don’t experience, or have any significant emotions beyond me knowing what I like and dislike. It’s not that I have no emotions anymore, but…. The best way I can describe it is with an analogy. Take colorblind people. They see black and white, in many shades. They know that the colors are there, and the can distinguish darker colors from brighter colors, but they don’t really experience them. That’s how it has been with my emotions. I recognize that they are there, but I don’t feel them. I’ve become so numb. There were times where I should have been very emotional, and I wasn’t, I couldn’t. They just aren’t there. The only things I really do feel are my preference and likes and dislikes of everything, and I wouldn’t even really call those emotions.
I feel really bad about this, because it has affected other people as well, namely, the few girls I have dated, that have fallen for me since I dated Delilah. I feel especially bad for Heather. I mean, she was really everything I could have ever wanted or asked for. We were, and still are so much alike. We made an amazing couple, and I can’t help but wonder how things would have been with Heather if I had a normal breakup. The perfect girlfriend, an amazing person, but as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t love her back, and it eventually drove our relationship apart.
This is why for the past year at least, I am voluntarily single (although I think it’s time to get back on that horse again). I have had no interest in a relationship, because all of mine thus far have either cause me immense pain, or had me hurt others because I could not feel for them. I’m not opposed to relationships, and if I find one, then great. With me planning to go into the army, and how my feelings aren’t working, it just doesn’t make sense to have one. Everyone wants to find love, including myself, but all the crap I have been through because of that word makes me wonder: Is love really worth it? (if you click on one of these, click this one… my favorite entry.)
Sex too. I used to hold sex in such a high regard, before I had ever had it. Her actions de-valued it for me. It went from being a bond of immense trust, love, and pleasure, to just something to do for the hell of it. I went on a sex binge when I was somewhat stable, and never really had a real positive sexual experience with any of the women I was with. I mean, yeah, I got off a few times (Only about 10 times ever form sex), but most of the time, I would just keep going FOREVER, fake an orgasm to get it over with, or I would just “lose interest” and stop. Before I had sex, I said that sex should be reserved for love, and I think that if I ever love someone again, I will enjoy sex, but I have never had sex with someone I love, and probably wont anytime soon.
I wish I could be one of those guys, normal guys, who can just enjoy sex for the sex. That would make life so much easier. As much as my body is telling me to go out, and use what god gave me, I can’t really enjoy sex on a purely physical level without the emotional part (the part which I enjoy most) which augments the physical part. That would explain why I got more physical enjoyment out of making out with someone I love, rather than sex with someone I don’t. If I can’t experience emotion, how can I enjoy it? I was thinking, maybe it’s just the women? Most of the girls I have slept with, and most of the times I do have sex… the girl just kinda lays there, and lets me do my thing, so to speak. The phrase….. dead fish comes to mind. I can be, and want to be very adventurous in bed, maybe I just need to find a girl who is sexually enlightened (read: a freak) in bed. However, I don’t want to go through all the energy and effort to find that.
All of these changes have lead to ME focusing on ME. Like I said, I’ve become more selfish, and I see nothing wrong with that. I’ve started to benefit from it already. I’m gona do whatever the fuck I want, and if you want to join me, that’s fine, and if not, too bad.
“Hi… who is this?”
“Who is this?”
“You first, I got a drunken text message from this number, and I don’t know who this is.”
“This is *last name*.”
“*last name*? As in Delilah *last name*?”
“Yeah, who is this.”
“This is Eric……”
Halloween, 2005, 3am.
The last thing I needed after a night of drunken debauchery was to end up on the phone with my ex girlfriend, who was also drunk. At that point, I hadn’t spoken to this girl in maybe a year. Now I was drunk, still at a party at my place, at three in the morning, with Delilah on the phone. Priceless. From what I can remember, she was friendly on the phone. She said she missed me, and she wanted to see me, and had some things she wanted to say to me.
At this point, I had forgotten (as much as I could have) about her. While I was recouping, things that reminded me of her would make me feel shitty, or worse. If I saw her online, I felt like crap. I tried to deal with it, but I would just keep thinking about her, how wonderful our relationship was, the good times we had, what we did, and I would just feel like crap. Dealing with it didn’t work. I had to forget. I removed her from my buddy list, got rid of anything that reminded me of her that I had, and purposefully disassociated things that reminded me of her. I associated them to other things. Whenever I had a thought about her, I would immediately think of something else. The brain is like any muscle in the body, if you don’t use it, you lose it so to speak. Memories are the same way. According to modern psychology we don’t ever “forget” so to speak, but what we lose is the means to retrieve memories which are stored. The neural pathways are lost and broken. For all intensive purposes though, the memories are gone. After a year of that, I can’t really remember much at all about our relationship, even if I tried (and I have). There are a few events that stick out, but beyond that they are gone. I’m almost sad, but it’s probably better this way. I have had so many conflicting emotions and feelings toward this girl, that they all cancelled each other out, and I am left with nothing. Aside from how much I have changed because of this girl, the only remnants of my relationship with her, is that I still do care for her. I don’t think that can ever die. I will always hope for good things for her (and I’m sure they will come), and I will always be somewhat curious to know what she is up to. So, when she said she wanted to meet…. What the hell I said.
We met at Jimmy’s pub in Mansfield over that thanksgiving break. She was pretty nervous. She told me she was. She thought I was going to flip out and yell at her, she asked me not to get mad before we met, she wanted things civil. Hah, I’m not mad at her(anymore), I’m nothing at her. Things were nice. It was strangely nice to see her. We got along surprisingly well, real well. We talked for three hours straight, caught up, talked about the army, and what we were doing with ourselves.
“So, you said you had some things to say to me?”
“I don’t do this, like, for anyone…. but for what it’s worth, I’m sorry….”
Heh, I can’t help but chuckle. When she said she had some things she wanted to say to me, I figured that maybe she might have come out finally, with the truth. I didn’t get “I’m sorry for cheating on you, breaking your heart, sending you to the brink of suicide, screwing with your head for the rest of your life.” But just, sorry. As in, sorry I broke up with you or, I’m sorry things had to be like this. One should not, and does not have to apologize for that, that is their choice. I’m sorry things had to be like this too, and yeah, I wish we could have been friends. I told her long ago that even if we stopped dating, I always wanted her in my life. She had said numerous times after the break up (including at dinner) that she wanted to be friends. As much as I would want that, it’s not possible. For what it’s worth? It’s not worth anything. I never got the truth, and that’s all I ever wanted. I haven’t spoken to her since.
I suppose I should thank her. I think I’m on a much better track in life because of her, and I gained years of wisdom in that small span of time. Like I said, I’m sorry things had to be like this too, but I can’t change the past. All I can do is make sure this never happens again.
“I looked into your eyes, and saw a world that did not exist.”
On the .001% chance you do read this….
Like I said many times in the entry. I’m not mad, angry, or sad, I’m nothing. You put me through a pain I didn’t know existed. The agony and turmoil I experienced, I would never wish on anyone. You changed my life for the worst, but probably for the best also. I will never wish misfortune upon you, and I know you are destined for great things. I hope your dreams come true, and I hope your scars heal. I will always care for you, but that is all.
“I was me but now he’s gone”
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For some reason, this song seems to fit.
What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen
In a blink of an eye and be gone from me
Soft and sweet
Let me hold it close and keep it here with me
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Love to be
In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me
Anna's ghost all around
Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through me
Soft and sweet
How the notes all bend and reach above the trees
Now how I remember you
How I would push my fingers through
Your mouth to make those muscles move
That made your voice so smooth and sweet
And now we keep where we don't know
All secrets sleep in winter clothes
With one you loved so long ago
Now he don't even know her name
What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all