Random stuff I need to get out.
So in the rare moment of free time, which has only came to be because of the mass quantities of SoCo I have been consuming, and the fact that I ignored the homework I said I would do tonight, I need to make a choice: Read for leisure, or write for mental catharsis…..
I’m writing… about friendships from home, my body, and about a girl. This is not the huge entry I mentioned in my last one, this is just some other stuff I wanted to get out of my head before I make my next entry, because my next one will most likely be my last for a while. Not because I don’t want to write, or because I don’t have stuff to write about, but because simply, I have no time to do so.
FRIENDSHIPS
It’s funny; I have always had the philosophy that distance kills relationships. I think in the context of friendships, or at least my friends from the Boro, this is false. It seems as though my friendships with my high school chums have only strengthened as of late. I have to wonder, why?
Well, first of all, people in high school don’t know who they are yet. College has a way opening people’s eyes to themselves, people find out who they are. People finally get set in their ways, finally figure out if not what they want to become, but who they are in the moment. When you know who you are, you become more confident in your ways. “This is me; this is what I do, if you have a problem with it, too bad”. People are less reserved, less shy, and more open.
College also changes people. As I said before, people were unsure of themselves in high school, and college has a way of instilling confidence in who you are, I’ve seen it, people get confidence. They probably gain this from being (mostly) on their own, doing more for themselves, and being away from so many restrictions we had before college that allow us to change.
Look at me, look at how I’ve changed, I’m just going to touch on it here because I have a miniature novel coming up on this subject next entry, but looking at my social status here at UNH, and my status in high school, it baffles me. Here, I am a very popular kid. I have left my mark in many ways, and am known for many things, be it from throwing huge bonfire parties, to making awesome bike jumps, to being called “Irish”, or just for being me. I have a large circle of friends, a lot of them are very close to me. In high school, I had a small circle of close friends, and a small circle of social/acquaintance friends. I was known throughout my class, but I wasn’t popular, I never tried to be. I wasn’t disliked by anyone, but I wasn’t necessarily liked by everyone either. I was just me, did my own thing…. Here I do my own thing and become “the man”. So many changes. One of these changes that facilitates a social bond between me and my friends now, is the addition of alcohol.
In high school, very few of my friends drank or used any sort drugs, and if they did, it was very, very rare. Now all of the kids from the days of “The Table” drink whenever the chance makes itself available, and some of them do drugs as well. Focusing on alcohol, it defiantly has a way of brining people together, whether it be sharing a brew, or getting ridiculously shit tanked. Especially when people get drunk. When you are drunk, not extremely plastered, but drunk, I think you are more who you are. Your inhibitions are lowered a substantial amount, people just do what they want, do what they feel is best. People are more themselves. We share stupid drunk moments together that we can recant for years to come.
It is the holistic experience of college that brings us together, we are all going through these things together, we can all relate, and it is because of this that I have grown very close to my friends from the Boro, the table crew. Even though we only have the expectations and promise of a joyous summer, and perhaps a break here and there, aside from the “how has the year been so far / what’s new” banter, it feels as if I just saw my friends yesterday. I will admit, that in high school, for whatever reason, I was not really close with my table buds until really senior year, but recently, they’re great friends of mine, and I can’t wait to see them again. I’ve said it before, distance kills relationships, of all kinds, but for some reason, my friendships from home have just got stronger. I’ve seen my other college buddies’ friendships from home die out, dwindle, and slowly fade away, for whatever reason, probably completely unrelated to what I stated, my friendships have grown, and for that I am happy.
TANGENT
Writing one of those last paragraphs has got my sporadic mind jumping on a wild tangent. I was thinking about inhibitions. Just think of how many things you hold back, seriously. I bet you, anyone reading this, has so many things they have bottled up inside. People hold back way to much, be it for reasons of social context, confidence issues, or emotional issues…… especially emotional issues. Imagine if everyone just did whatever they wanted to, not necessarily things like, rape, murder, and the like, but those things that we hold back. Imagine if everyone just acted on what they felt, instead of bottling it up inside. Not to long ago, I acted on an emotion I had bottled up inside. I was very very pleased with the outcome; I only wish I had acted sooner, because I acted too late, bottled it up for far too long, let my inhibitions get the best of me. I think someday I’m going to have a small gathering of people to hang out. All must be on some sort of substance, preferably multiple, alcohol + others. At this gathering, there will be one rule: no inhibitions, do whatever you want, do what you feel, and as long as someone else’s actions and feelings don’t encroach on your own well being, nobody can give them any shit for it. Want to go smash something, go ahead. Want to go run around naked? Fine. Want to eat a jar of fluff? Do it. Have something on your mind you want to get out, or tell someone? Go ahead. Want to wrestle, climb a tree, paint a picture, make a snow angel, have a mud fight, do it, nobody will care. The likelihood of this happening is slim though. How would I go about recruiting people for something like that? Who that I know would even be up for that? Where could I do it so that there would be no consequences? I’d have to have my own house, probably, or maybe I could do it at a bonfire…. A very small one. Probably no more than 15 kids. But think about it, where would you be if you actually acted on all your emotions, ignored your inhibitions, and did what you felt was best, or did exactly what you wanted?
MY BODY
I love my body. Seriously, I am grateful for it. You’ve got to know yourself mentally, but you’ve also got to know what physical limits your body can handle. My body is strong, and hardened, and tough. It can take a lot of abuse, I treat it well, but I certainly beat the hell out of it as well.
I used to be an insomniac, I am now a very, very light sleeper, but I do get to sleep now, as opposed to none at all. However, being an insomniac for many, many years taught my body to function on little to no sleep. I have always been a pretty active kid as well, so I would have an active, invigorating day on little to no sleep. I can function fine on four hours of sleep.
My body has LOTS of energy. This goes along with the not needing much sleep dealy. My body will just keep going, I love it. It generally wont quit on me until I lay down. Look at how busy I am. I get up at 5am and PT for hours, am on my feet all day running around in classes, then go immediately to work, then to the gym, then sometimes to floor hockey. Same thing in the summer - I would be up for 5 and work a 12 hour day, get out of work and lift, play Frisbee, run, then go drink.
Speaking of drinking, my body can handle it’s drugs and alcohol. I can drink a TON of alcohol, but 3 out of 4 times, I will fall asleep before I even get too drunk. This is not passing out from alcohol, let me make this clear. Many times, alcohol will just make me tired, and I will just fall asleep. I think this is because I sleep so little, and am so active, when I do drink, and get tired, I just clonk out. However, when I don’t fall asleep, or I take uppers/stimulants when I drink, I can probably out drink anyone reading this, except maybe tom, and maybe my roommate. When I am in the non tired stage, I frequently get up to around 25 shots in the time span of three hours. Some of my more impressive drinking binges include: Other weekend, 5L wine, two glasses of sangria, several shots, class of wine, and some beer. One day last year I drank a handle of rum, and two bottle of champagne in the span of about 8 hours. Also, when I get drunk, it’s weird, and that I don’t really lose depth perception or balance. To illustrate this, one time when I was drunk, I was jumping downhill lined with wooden posts, on top of the wooden posts. The posts were about 8 inches in diameter, and 4 feet apart, and of varying heights. Didn’t have a problem. Drugs, same thing. I can throw lots of these into my body, and still function fine. When I say function, I mean it in it’s literal sense, I can do things normally for the most part, think rationally and logically, this helps me a lot, and generally act normal when I want to. I think this next incident sums up the amount of endurance my body has:
worked 20 hours on a Friday between two jobs, went to bed at 4am, only to get up at 8am for another job at 9, worked from 9 to 4, right after work, I drove to WPI where I drank copious amounts of alcohol, smoked hash, opium, pot, and had NO SLEEP AT ALL. Left at 8am to be in work at 10am the next morning, worked from 10 - 4, went home and showered, left home to work at domino’s from 5 - 2am.
I am a strong kid. I would say that I am probably on the whole stronger than about 75% of the kids out there of my age. I’m 205lbs, but probably only look 185, I’m a dense 205, muscular. I do work out a lot, but I have a natural strength as well. Almost all of my upper body strength I have worked for, but I have insane strength in all other areas of my body that I barely ever train or work out. My legs are the strongest thing on my body. I am even impressed with them, ever seen those things? They are huge and formed, I barely ever work them out, but they are very, very strong. I recently found out I have a strong back, don’t know why, but I do. I was playing DDR last year with my shirt off, and Jennie was like “HOLY CRAP Eric, your back is amazing!” When I eventually saw it, I had no idea it was that muscular, come to find out I can do the max weight on most of the back machines in the gym without too much effort. Same thing with my and abs. I don’t have a 6-pack (boo), but I can do the max weight on all the abs machines, with ease, usually I do sets of 20-30 on max weight.
I’m hot, literally, I have a very high body temperature. When I’m completely fine, most people are cold. I love the cold. I sweat very easy, im not out of shape, I just sweat a lot, a very lot. You should see me right after running or DDR, it looks like it just rained on me. I have a very fast metabolism, I eat a lot, although much less at school.
MY BODY WAS NOT MEANT FOR RUNNING. So many things. My arches don’t absorb shock like, at all, my feet are angled inward a bit, my legs are too strong for running (doctor said this) and the muscles pull at the tendons so it causes shin splints easier, I get shin splints easy, I have a small stride, yeah, all that shit. I can however, sprint insanely fast.
My body has a very high tolerence for pain, and it pretty agile and felxable as well.
ABOUT A GIRL
Damn, my vigor for writing is dissipating, lets see if I can articulate this properly….
This is one of the few girls I’ve got “the feeling” for, as I have described in so many past entries.
I remember the first time I saw her, I don’t know what it was, still don’t, and still trying to figure it out, but something drew me to her. I wanted to get to know her, I don’t know why, but I wanted to figure out who she was. It didn’t take me long to realize that I was intensely attracted to her, both mentally and physically. I wanted very much to know this girl, I wanted to befriend her.
I gave up though, figured it would never happen. I repressed it, and it went away. I eventually did become friends with her, 18 months later. Feeling was back, and stronger. I can’t explain why, but I wanted to know this girl. I want to know what makes her tick, what makes her rile up with passion and zeal. I’ve seen it in her on a few occasions. I want to know her past, her likes, dislikes, her attitudes and philosophies on life. I want to know “who she is” what makes her who she is. I want to know her thoughts, emotions, and opinions on things. I want to know her intimately, not necessarily in the physical sense, but I want to for some reason have a close friendship with her.
One night we hooked up. Nothing serious though. Now, usually, I over analyze everything, the sad part is, usually I’m right. This tends to fuck with me.
Now I’m thinking to myself, why did she do this? Since I don’t know her well enough, I don’t know her attitudes on that, or how much she desires the opposite sex in a physical form, or her opinions on it, she doesn’t talk about herself much. I think she may have known at the time I was attracted to her, but I don’t think she had any idea what I felt for her, or for how long. Why did she do it? I’m thinking really, it was just a fling for her. She knew me decently, seemed to enjoy my company, must of thought I was attractive, at least somewhat, and more than likely was in the mood for some make out action that night. I was the only one up, I fit the bill. She initiated what happened that night as well, so she obviously wanted to, but I think just for that one time.
Anyways, I told her some of the stuff I mentioned a few days after that night. That is something I almost never do - be completely upfront about my feelings to women I have strong feelings for. Anyways, I should have expressed myself sooner, she said I came to her at a time when she was persuing someone else. I was too late, as usual. I’m wondering if that was a cop out, or an honest answer. I think it may have been honest though. Maybe not, here I'm unsure. The guy she went for, is exactly the type of guy I figured would be "her type". I am not "her type" but she does like me, just not in the context of a relationship. The guy she went for also lives far away, so she doesn't get to see him often. She chose a long distance relationship, which can be very hard to make work, and very hard on the people in it because they can't see eachother often, over a close one. This tells me she must really have a thing for this guy if she wants to make that work. I can tell she does, I've seen them togeather, I realized it right away, even before anyone else I was with did. You can tell by the body language. Doesn't take a public display of affection on a crowded street for me to realize what's up. Mostly, it's in the eyes, and the facial expressions, and how long, how often, and how they look at eachother, you can tell. I notice shit like that, freaky.
One of my friends met her, and I had talked about her to him before. “Is that the girl” he asked me. “Yeah” I said. He knew that she now had a boyfriend, and it was not me. “Why do you put yourself through that man, you can’t have her, why bother?”. I told her I enjoyed her company, a lot, and because I’m not dating her doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy her company. We are friends now, pretty decent ones I think, and props to her for being pretty comfortable around me knowing what she does, I think I’d be pretty freaked out of someone told me all the shit I told her.
That night got my hopes up for a relationship, which is something I had wanted with her for a long time. I had to once again, repress that want, that feeling for my own welfare and well being. I am able to do it pretty well, and that want I have for something more is slowly dwindling. There is still however, a strong desire for me to know this girl, and know her well, and deeply, and intimately. The thing is, I know that that will not happen. You don’t just get to know someone’s most deep and secret thoughts an emotions being a friend, you don’t know their passions, their urges, what they strive for, what makes them burn, you don’t know what is troubling them, you don’t learn that just being a friend. You learn that stuff from being in a relationship with someone. You learn their thoughts when you share time alone, I doubt I’ll ever be alone with this girl, even if it’s just for a conversation, because we always hang out in groups of mutual friends. Really, you can never truly know someone they way I want to, people hide to much, people wear too many facades, people have too many inhibitions, and people hold back too much emotions, however, you have an even less chance of knowing what I want as a friend…….
END TANGENT
I want to do something different. I mean, sometimes, it gets old. Parties I mean. What do we do at parties? There’s pretty much the standard of gathering in one place, drinking lots through drinking games, or at your own pace, and listening to music/watching TV or movies/playing video games. I want to do something more, I want to do something different. This is why I used to like getting high and going for walks way back in the day. It was different, it would bring about lots of interesting conversations, and you’d really get to know the person, or people you were with. I mean, at parties, there’s either too many people, or they are all focused on the drinking game/television/music to have any meaningful convos. This is why I do the bonfires. They are different, and everyone loves them because of this fact, it’s new. I mean, you can add some theme parties to your drinking to spice things up, but it’s more or less the same. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy myself, because I do, a lot…. but like I said, I want to do something different….. I just don’t know what.
Check out the song I put down for music. It's a Video game remix (surprise) from secret of mana, really mellow, but the vocals are awesome, they sound like porcupine tree. http://www.ocremix.org/remix/OCR01404/
..guess I’ll get back to homework.
I’m writing… about friendships from home, my body, and about a girl. This is not the huge entry I mentioned in my last one, this is just some other stuff I wanted to get out of my head before I make my next entry, because my next one will most likely be my last for a while. Not because I don’t want to write, or because I don’t have stuff to write about, but because simply, I have no time to do so.
FRIENDSHIPS
It’s funny; I have always had the philosophy that distance kills relationships. I think in the context of friendships, or at least my friends from the Boro, this is false. It seems as though my friendships with my high school chums have only strengthened as of late. I have to wonder, why?
Well, first of all, people in high school don’t know who they are yet. College has a way opening people’s eyes to themselves, people find out who they are. People finally get set in their ways, finally figure out if not what they want to become, but who they are in the moment. When you know who you are, you become more confident in your ways. “This is me; this is what I do, if you have a problem with it, too bad”. People are less reserved, less shy, and more open.
College also changes people. As I said before, people were unsure of themselves in high school, and college has a way of instilling confidence in who you are, I’ve seen it, people get confidence. They probably gain this from being (mostly) on their own, doing more for themselves, and being away from so many restrictions we had before college that allow us to change.
Look at me, look at how I’ve changed, I’m just going to touch on it here because I have a miniature novel coming up on this subject next entry, but looking at my social status here at UNH, and my status in high school, it baffles me. Here, I am a very popular kid. I have left my mark in many ways, and am known for many things, be it from throwing huge bonfire parties, to making awesome bike jumps, to being called “Irish”, or just for being me. I have a large circle of friends, a lot of them are very close to me. In high school, I had a small circle of close friends, and a small circle of social/acquaintance friends. I was known throughout my class, but I wasn’t popular, I never tried to be. I wasn’t disliked by anyone, but I wasn’t necessarily liked by everyone either. I was just me, did my own thing…. Here I do my own thing and become “the man”. So many changes. One of these changes that facilitates a social bond between me and my friends now, is the addition of alcohol.
In high school, very few of my friends drank or used any sort drugs, and if they did, it was very, very rare. Now all of the kids from the days of “The Table” drink whenever the chance makes itself available, and some of them do drugs as well. Focusing on alcohol, it defiantly has a way of brining people together, whether it be sharing a brew, or getting ridiculously shit tanked. Especially when people get drunk. When you are drunk, not extremely plastered, but drunk, I think you are more who you are. Your inhibitions are lowered a substantial amount, people just do what they want, do what they feel is best. People are more themselves. We share stupid drunk moments together that we can recant for years to come.
It is the holistic experience of college that brings us together, we are all going through these things together, we can all relate, and it is because of this that I have grown very close to my friends from the Boro, the table crew. Even though we only have the expectations and promise of a joyous summer, and perhaps a break here and there, aside from the “how has the year been so far / what’s new” banter, it feels as if I just saw my friends yesterday. I will admit, that in high school, for whatever reason, I was not really close with my table buds until really senior year, but recently, they’re great friends of mine, and I can’t wait to see them again. I’ve said it before, distance kills relationships, of all kinds, but for some reason, my friendships from home have just got stronger. I’ve seen my other college buddies’ friendships from home die out, dwindle, and slowly fade away, for whatever reason, probably completely unrelated to what I stated, my friendships have grown, and for that I am happy.
TANGENT
Writing one of those last paragraphs has got my sporadic mind jumping on a wild tangent. I was thinking about inhibitions. Just think of how many things you hold back, seriously. I bet you, anyone reading this, has so many things they have bottled up inside. People hold back way to much, be it for reasons of social context, confidence issues, or emotional issues…… especially emotional issues. Imagine if everyone just did whatever they wanted to, not necessarily things like, rape, murder, and the like, but those things that we hold back. Imagine if everyone just acted on what they felt, instead of bottling it up inside. Not to long ago, I acted on an emotion I had bottled up inside. I was very very pleased with the outcome; I only wish I had acted sooner, because I acted too late, bottled it up for far too long, let my inhibitions get the best of me. I think someday I’m going to have a small gathering of people to hang out. All must be on some sort of substance, preferably multiple, alcohol + others. At this gathering, there will be one rule: no inhibitions, do whatever you want, do what you feel, and as long as someone else’s actions and feelings don’t encroach on your own well being, nobody can give them any shit for it. Want to go smash something, go ahead. Want to go run around naked? Fine. Want to eat a jar of fluff? Do it. Have something on your mind you want to get out, or tell someone? Go ahead. Want to wrestle, climb a tree, paint a picture, make a snow angel, have a mud fight, do it, nobody will care. The likelihood of this happening is slim though. How would I go about recruiting people for something like that? Who that I know would even be up for that? Where could I do it so that there would be no consequences? I’d have to have my own house, probably, or maybe I could do it at a bonfire…. A very small one. Probably no more than 15 kids. But think about it, where would you be if you actually acted on all your emotions, ignored your inhibitions, and did what you felt was best, or did exactly what you wanted?
MY BODY
I love my body. Seriously, I am grateful for it. You’ve got to know yourself mentally, but you’ve also got to know what physical limits your body can handle. My body is strong, and hardened, and tough. It can take a lot of abuse, I treat it well, but I certainly beat the hell out of it as well.
I used to be an insomniac, I am now a very, very light sleeper, but I do get to sleep now, as opposed to none at all. However, being an insomniac for many, many years taught my body to function on little to no sleep. I have always been a pretty active kid as well, so I would have an active, invigorating day on little to no sleep. I can function fine on four hours of sleep.
My body has LOTS of energy. This goes along with the not needing much sleep dealy. My body will just keep going, I love it. It generally wont quit on me until I lay down. Look at how busy I am. I get up at 5am and PT for hours, am on my feet all day running around in classes, then go immediately to work, then to the gym, then sometimes to floor hockey. Same thing in the summer - I would be up for 5 and work a 12 hour day, get out of work and lift, play Frisbee, run, then go drink.
Speaking of drinking, my body can handle it’s drugs and alcohol. I can drink a TON of alcohol, but 3 out of 4 times, I will fall asleep before I even get too drunk. This is not passing out from alcohol, let me make this clear. Many times, alcohol will just make me tired, and I will just fall asleep. I think this is because I sleep so little, and am so active, when I do drink, and get tired, I just clonk out. However, when I don’t fall asleep, or I take uppers/stimulants when I drink, I can probably out drink anyone reading this, except maybe tom, and maybe my roommate. When I am in the non tired stage, I frequently get up to around 25 shots in the time span of three hours. Some of my more impressive drinking binges include: Other weekend, 5L wine, two glasses of sangria, several shots, class of wine, and some beer. One day last year I drank a handle of rum, and two bottle of champagne in the span of about 8 hours. Also, when I get drunk, it’s weird, and that I don’t really lose depth perception or balance. To illustrate this, one time when I was drunk, I was jumping downhill lined with wooden posts, on top of the wooden posts. The posts were about 8 inches in diameter, and 4 feet apart, and of varying heights. Didn’t have a problem. Drugs, same thing. I can throw lots of these into my body, and still function fine. When I say function, I mean it in it’s literal sense, I can do things normally for the most part, think rationally and logically, this helps me a lot, and generally act normal when I want to. I think this next incident sums up the amount of endurance my body has:
worked 20 hours on a Friday between two jobs, went to bed at 4am, only to get up at 8am for another job at 9, worked from 9 to 4, right after work, I drove to WPI where I drank copious amounts of alcohol, smoked hash, opium, pot, and had NO SLEEP AT ALL. Left at 8am to be in work at 10am the next morning, worked from 10 - 4, went home and showered, left home to work at domino’s from 5 - 2am.
I am a strong kid. I would say that I am probably on the whole stronger than about 75% of the kids out there of my age. I’m 205lbs, but probably only look 185, I’m a dense 205, muscular. I do work out a lot, but I have a natural strength as well. Almost all of my upper body strength I have worked for, but I have insane strength in all other areas of my body that I barely ever train or work out. My legs are the strongest thing on my body. I am even impressed with them, ever seen those things? They are huge and formed, I barely ever work them out, but they are very, very strong. I recently found out I have a strong back, don’t know why, but I do. I was playing DDR last year with my shirt off, and Jennie was like “HOLY CRAP Eric, your back is amazing!” When I eventually saw it, I had no idea it was that muscular, come to find out I can do the max weight on most of the back machines in the gym without too much effort. Same thing with my and abs. I don’t have a 6-pack (boo), but I can do the max weight on all the abs machines, with ease, usually I do sets of 20-30 on max weight.
I’m hot, literally, I have a very high body temperature. When I’m completely fine, most people are cold. I love the cold. I sweat very easy, im not out of shape, I just sweat a lot, a very lot. You should see me right after running or DDR, it looks like it just rained on me. I have a very fast metabolism, I eat a lot, although much less at school.
MY BODY WAS NOT MEANT FOR RUNNING. So many things. My arches don’t absorb shock like, at all, my feet are angled inward a bit, my legs are too strong for running (doctor said this) and the muscles pull at the tendons so it causes shin splints easier, I get shin splints easy, I have a small stride, yeah, all that shit. I can however, sprint insanely fast.
My body has a very high tolerence for pain, and it pretty agile and felxable as well.
ABOUT A GIRL
Damn, my vigor for writing is dissipating, lets see if I can articulate this properly….
This is one of the few girls I’ve got “the feeling” for, as I have described in so many past entries.
I remember the first time I saw her, I don’t know what it was, still don’t, and still trying to figure it out, but something drew me to her. I wanted to get to know her, I don’t know why, but I wanted to figure out who she was. It didn’t take me long to realize that I was intensely attracted to her, both mentally and physically. I wanted very much to know this girl, I wanted to befriend her.
I gave up though, figured it would never happen. I repressed it, and it went away. I eventually did become friends with her, 18 months later. Feeling was back, and stronger. I can’t explain why, but I wanted to know this girl. I want to know what makes her tick, what makes her rile up with passion and zeal. I’ve seen it in her on a few occasions. I want to know her past, her likes, dislikes, her attitudes and philosophies on life. I want to know “who she is” what makes her who she is. I want to know her thoughts, emotions, and opinions on things. I want to know her intimately, not necessarily in the physical sense, but I want to for some reason have a close friendship with her.
One night we hooked up. Nothing serious though. Now, usually, I over analyze everything, the sad part is, usually I’m right. This tends to fuck with me.
Now I’m thinking to myself, why did she do this? Since I don’t know her well enough, I don’t know her attitudes on that, or how much she desires the opposite sex in a physical form, or her opinions on it, she doesn’t talk about herself much. I think she may have known at the time I was attracted to her, but I don’t think she had any idea what I felt for her, or for how long. Why did she do it? I’m thinking really, it was just a fling for her. She knew me decently, seemed to enjoy my company, must of thought I was attractive, at least somewhat, and more than likely was in the mood for some make out action that night. I was the only one up, I fit the bill. She initiated what happened that night as well, so she obviously wanted to, but I think just for that one time.
Anyways, I told her some of the stuff I mentioned a few days after that night. That is something I almost never do - be completely upfront about my feelings to women I have strong feelings for. Anyways, I should have expressed myself sooner, she said I came to her at a time when she was persuing someone else. I was too late, as usual. I’m wondering if that was a cop out, or an honest answer. I think it may have been honest though. Maybe not, here I'm unsure. The guy she went for, is exactly the type of guy I figured would be "her type". I am not "her type" but she does like me, just not in the context of a relationship. The guy she went for also lives far away, so she doesn't get to see him often. She chose a long distance relationship, which can be very hard to make work, and very hard on the people in it because they can't see eachother often, over a close one. This tells me she must really have a thing for this guy if she wants to make that work. I can tell she does, I've seen them togeather, I realized it right away, even before anyone else I was with did. You can tell by the body language. Doesn't take a public display of affection on a crowded street for me to realize what's up. Mostly, it's in the eyes, and the facial expressions, and how long, how often, and how they look at eachother, you can tell. I notice shit like that, freaky.
One of my friends met her, and I had talked about her to him before. “Is that the girl” he asked me. “Yeah” I said. He knew that she now had a boyfriend, and it was not me. “Why do you put yourself through that man, you can’t have her, why bother?”. I told her I enjoyed her company, a lot, and because I’m not dating her doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy her company. We are friends now, pretty decent ones I think, and props to her for being pretty comfortable around me knowing what she does, I think I’d be pretty freaked out of someone told me all the shit I told her.
That night got my hopes up for a relationship, which is something I had wanted with her for a long time. I had to once again, repress that want, that feeling for my own welfare and well being. I am able to do it pretty well, and that want I have for something more is slowly dwindling. There is still however, a strong desire for me to know this girl, and know her well, and deeply, and intimately. The thing is, I know that that will not happen. You don’t just get to know someone’s most deep and secret thoughts an emotions being a friend, you don’t know their passions, their urges, what they strive for, what makes them burn, you don’t know what is troubling them, you don’t learn that just being a friend. You learn that stuff from being in a relationship with someone. You learn their thoughts when you share time alone, I doubt I’ll ever be alone with this girl, even if it’s just for a conversation, because we always hang out in groups of mutual friends. Really, you can never truly know someone they way I want to, people hide to much, people wear too many facades, people have too many inhibitions, and people hold back too much emotions, however, you have an even less chance of knowing what I want as a friend…….
END TANGENT
I want to do something different. I mean, sometimes, it gets old. Parties I mean. What do we do at parties? There’s pretty much the standard of gathering in one place, drinking lots through drinking games, or at your own pace, and listening to music/watching TV or movies/playing video games. I want to do something more, I want to do something different. This is why I used to like getting high and going for walks way back in the day. It was different, it would bring about lots of interesting conversations, and you’d really get to know the person, or people you were with. I mean, at parties, there’s either too many people, or they are all focused on the drinking game/television/music to have any meaningful convos. This is why I do the bonfires. They are different, and everyone loves them because of this fact, it’s new. I mean, you can add some theme parties to your drinking to spice things up, but it’s more or less the same. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy myself, because I do, a lot…. but like I said, I want to do something different….. I just don’t know what.
Check out the song I put down for music. It's a Video game remix (surprise) from secret of mana, really mellow, but the vocals are awesome, they sound like porcupine tree. http://www.ocremix.org/remix/OCR01404/
..guess I’ll get back to homework.