25
After 2 months of immersing myself completely in the junkie lifestyle, I am so over it. I am actually looking forward to quitting, being clean and free. I am letting myself off the hook of having to scrape up 40 or more dollars a day to keep myself well and functioning. I have pawned everything of value (including this laptop, which is why I haven't been updating. I just got it out yesterday.) that I own, and some of my parent's stuff as well. I'm surprised they haven't noticed many of the things I've pawned are missing. I've sent C out to fly a sign at several different locations around the county to basically, beg people for money to fund our drug habit. I've been slacking on homework, missing class. Like, on Thursday I showed up 30 minutes late to my class where there was a guest speaker talking, and then slept/nodded through the whole thing. Like, I was conscious but I couldn't keep my eyes open, I was listening to the speaker but to everyone else, I appeared to be asleep. The woman next to me who is an older, motherly type, tapped me on the shoulder twice and was like "hey, wake up". I've just been completely irresponsible with school. Hopefully it's not too late in the quarter so I can redeem myself.
I've also been fighting with my parents. They have lost all trust and respect for me. C and I fight over drugs and drug related perceived injustices.
So that's all the bad things about doing drugs. Good things that will happen when I'm clean: more loving relationship with C, more free time and I will arrive home earlier in the day, time for doing homework, I'll be able to stick to a schedule and stay healthy by being able to go to the gym consistently, I can spend more time with my daughter. I will have more money, WAY more money because I have TANF, my part time job, and C is starting the community jobs program through DSHS within the week. Our next goal is to get our own place. I would really like to have my own space to clean and keep organized, where I can play with my daughter in peace and safety. Basically, I'm ready to be matriarch in my own home.
I have returned to an old notebook to help keep me organized and on track as far as intake and exercise, motivation and living up to my own standards. I realized how much pressure I put on myself to be the person I want to be but yet I cannot live up to my own expectations and this causes me much grief, anxiety and I'm sure it's at the root of my depression. I fail myself constantly, I need to be better. So this is the darkest, lowest point in my life. I took my last shot at 1:30pm yesterday, November 2nd. I tried to sleep it off and wait until the morning but I woke up at 3am sweating and twitching out so I took a half strip of suboxone at that time.
So whomever reads this journal of mine can watch me climb out of this hole and become greater and greater as time goes by. I am ready to be clean and free and the person I have always wanted to be.
I've also been fighting with my parents. They have lost all trust and respect for me. C and I fight over drugs and drug related perceived injustices.
So that's all the bad things about doing drugs. Good things that will happen when I'm clean: more loving relationship with C, more free time and I will arrive home earlier in the day, time for doing homework, I'll be able to stick to a schedule and stay healthy by being able to go to the gym consistently, I can spend more time with my daughter. I will have more money, WAY more money because I have TANF, my part time job, and C is starting the community jobs program through DSHS within the week. Our next goal is to get our own place. I would really like to have my own space to clean and keep organized, where I can play with my daughter in peace and safety. Basically, I'm ready to be matriarch in my own home.
I have returned to an old notebook to help keep me organized and on track as far as intake and exercise, motivation and living up to my own standards. I realized how much pressure I put on myself to be the person I want to be but yet I cannot live up to my own expectations and this causes me much grief, anxiety and I'm sure it's at the root of my depression. I fail myself constantly, I need to be better. So this is the darkest, lowest point in my life. I took my last shot at 1:30pm yesterday, November 2nd. I tried to sleep it off and wait until the morning but I woke up at 3am sweating and twitching out so I took a half strip of suboxone at that time.
So whomever reads this journal of mine can watch me climb out of this hole and become greater and greater as time goes by. I am ready to be clean and free and the person I have always wanted to be.