we all cry at the same time tonight
It's 4 am, but I really don't want to go to sleep. What if I wake up and it wasn't just a nightmare? So, I'm continuing from my memories of Michael. There's a good chance no one will read this or the last one, but it feels good to reminisce and get my feelings out. This is the sad part though...
I'm currently happy living in denial land, but, to be honest, I've had a really, really hard time dealing with this today.
When rumblings of this whole thing started, I was watching a youtube video of the American Idols practicing for their tour and getting ready to read more of my Australia book. Then I got a text from CNN saying that Michael had suffered a cardiac arrest and was being rushed to the hospital. I immediately started shaking and crying, but quickly got my hopes up and fumbled around my phone to forward the message to Cassi, Kelly, and Jon. I kept checking ONTD, and between ONTD's updates and Twitter I was getting about an update a minute. Then came the announcement from TMZ, and with that ONTD was shut down from too much traffic. Upon reading TMZ's report, I started screaming "no! no!!" and full on hyperventilating. I was worried about how I was going to handle it being here by my lonesome, so I called Jon (he was the only person I knew for sure would be home) and somehow got him to convince me to breathe again. He reminded me that I was going off info from TMZ. Even though they're right most of the time, it's still TMZ. So, he convinced me to wait until CNN confirmed it. I have no idea how I held onto the phone, because I really was in shock. My motor skills were nil -- I felt like I had no control over my hands with all the shaking.
I went outside for a bit (the sun seemed like a happy place to be), but a storm blew in within minutes so I had to go inside. All the while I was checking tweets (Twitter was only occasionally working) and listening to CNN via Jon (we don't have cable). Jon did a great job of cheering me up and calming me down by keeping me in happy denial land. Cassi called my cell (I was talking to Jon on the landline) and she was crying. I felt bad because I was so deep in denial land that I didn't really react the way I should have. I invited her to my happy place where nothing was real until CNN confirmed it, and at that point all the news stations were reporting that he was in a coma. That was a much happier alternative, so I was fine with it.
Then Lisa called my cell to see if I'd heard it had been confirmed by LA Times and the Associated Press. I had, but CNN hadn't confirmed anything. Ryan Seacrest had and that worried me, but he wasn't CNN so I stayed in denial. I was trying to get Lisa to join me in denial land (she wasn't broken up about it, but I needed as many people as possible to be in denial land with me). Then I heard Wolf Blitzer say it had been confirmed, and I literally collapsed to the floor. I couldn't form a coherent thought or talk through my hyperventilating, and I felt bad because I could tell I was making Lisa cry but I couldn't stop myself from reacting the way I was. I tried so hard to regain my composure, but it was impossible. Finally I was able to stand up, so I paced a bit. A minute or two later I realized I was on the ground again. I didn't pass out or anything, I just...I don't know. I was somehow on the ground sobbing. Lisa had to go to work, so she hung up. I asked Jon if he could come because I didn't want to be here by myself, so he got his things together to come over.
I started getting texts from people to see if I was okay. My dad offered to send my grandparents over to stay with me. My mom texted Jon (and I think Cassi) to tell him to watch me, thinking I'd be suicidal or something? I really thought I was doing okay, but I kept doing the strangest things. It's like my mental and physical ways of coping weren't the same. It's totally crazy, but at one point I realized I had actually bit my wrist. Hard. I still have a little bruise from it, but I have no memory of doing it. Temporary insanity?
I was crying to Jon, then Cassi came over. I was glad she did, because she's a huge Michael fan, too. We needed to be together. She told me to call the radio station because people were sharing their Michael stories, but I wanted to hear examples before I actually called in. We listened, and it was amazing how much better I felt listening to his music. It's like one of the people on BET said tonight -- listening to his music keeps you in your happy place. It's when the music ends that reality sets in. Or starts setting in. I'm not sure when the acceptance phase is going to begin, but I know it won't be for a long time. Anyway, I ended up not calling in because the DJ made a Michael joke and I couldn't handle it. We started flipping channels until we heard a Michael song (there was basically one playing at all times). Cassi and I were going crazy dancing and singing along, but it felt so good to do.
I'd gotten a tweet saying MTV was playing Michael's videos (*gasp* music videos on MTV?), so I wanted to go to my mom's apartment so we could take advantage of her cable. Cassi burned a couple of Michael mixes before we left. We grabbed dinner on the way (I totally didn't realize we hadn't eaten), then sat in front of the TV waiting for Michael. Unfortunately MTV was being real MTV and not playing music videos, and we were afraid to watch any specials because we weren't ready to deal with them emotionally. Luckily BET was doing a Michael tribute with music videos and musicians calling in to share their thoughts & memories, so we watched that for a couple of hours. I was annoyed because they weren't playing full videos, but Cassi reminded me that they had time limits and couldn't air everything they'd want to air without cutting something. It was actually really therapeutic to watch it and see how many people have been touched by Michael's music.
Jon and I came back here. I wanted to watch my videos of his music videos, but started getting annoyed that I don't have DVD versions. So, we went to stores to see if anybody had any. Most stores were closed, and the Michael Jackson section was pretty empty anyway. I might go out tomorrow to look for one. I have the videos and they're all on youtube, but...I don't know. I bored Jon to death with more of my Michael stories, then he went to bed. Which is where I should be heading, but I'm not thinking I'll be sleeping much tonight. I'm on such a rollercoaster. At one minute I'm totally dealing with it great, the next I'm sobbing. It's going to be awhile before this is okay. And I feel like a loser since I didn't know him, but he's meant so much to me throughout my life. It's too hard to accept a world without him.
This just sucks. He's only 50. He was gearing up for his big comeback and things were looking hopeful. He has three young kids, and he's a single dad. They need him. The music world needs him. This can't be reality. :( :(
BTW, sorry I haven't commented for awhile! I try to get updated before I make an entry, but I needed to get this out.
I'm currently happy living in denial land, but, to be honest, I've had a really, really hard time dealing with this today.
When rumblings of this whole thing started, I was watching a youtube video of the American Idols practicing for their tour and getting ready to read more of my Australia book. Then I got a text from CNN saying that Michael had suffered a cardiac arrest and was being rushed to the hospital. I immediately started shaking and crying, but quickly got my hopes up and fumbled around my phone to forward the message to Cassi, Kelly, and Jon. I kept checking ONTD, and between ONTD's updates and Twitter I was getting about an update a minute. Then came the announcement from TMZ, and with that ONTD was shut down from too much traffic. Upon reading TMZ's report, I started screaming "no! no!!" and full on hyperventilating. I was worried about how I was going to handle it being here by my lonesome, so I called Jon (he was the only person I knew for sure would be home) and somehow got him to convince me to breathe again. He reminded me that I was going off info from TMZ. Even though they're right most of the time, it's still TMZ. So, he convinced me to wait until CNN confirmed it. I have no idea how I held onto the phone, because I really was in shock. My motor skills were nil -- I felt like I had no control over my hands with all the shaking.
I went outside for a bit (the sun seemed like a happy place to be), but a storm blew in within minutes so I had to go inside. All the while I was checking tweets (Twitter was only occasionally working) and listening to CNN via Jon (we don't have cable). Jon did a great job of cheering me up and calming me down by keeping me in happy denial land. Cassi called my cell (I was talking to Jon on the landline) and she was crying. I felt bad because I was so deep in denial land that I didn't really react the way I should have. I invited her to my happy place where nothing was real until CNN confirmed it, and at that point all the news stations were reporting that he was in a coma. That was a much happier alternative, so I was fine with it.
Then Lisa called my cell to see if I'd heard it had been confirmed by LA Times and the Associated Press. I had, but CNN hadn't confirmed anything. Ryan Seacrest had and that worried me, but he wasn't CNN so I stayed in denial. I was trying to get Lisa to join me in denial land (she wasn't broken up about it, but I needed as many people as possible to be in denial land with me). Then I heard Wolf Blitzer say it had been confirmed, and I literally collapsed to the floor. I couldn't form a coherent thought or talk through my hyperventilating, and I felt bad because I could tell I was making Lisa cry but I couldn't stop myself from reacting the way I was. I tried so hard to regain my composure, but it was impossible. Finally I was able to stand up, so I paced a bit. A minute or two later I realized I was on the ground again. I didn't pass out or anything, I just...I don't know. I was somehow on the ground sobbing. Lisa had to go to work, so she hung up. I asked Jon if he could come because I didn't want to be here by myself, so he got his things together to come over.
I started getting texts from people to see if I was okay. My dad offered to send my grandparents over to stay with me. My mom texted Jon (and I think Cassi) to tell him to watch me, thinking I'd be suicidal or something? I really thought I was doing okay, but I kept doing the strangest things. It's like my mental and physical ways of coping weren't the same. It's totally crazy, but at one point I realized I had actually bit my wrist. Hard. I still have a little bruise from it, but I have no memory of doing it. Temporary insanity?
I was crying to Jon, then Cassi came over. I was glad she did, because she's a huge Michael fan, too. We needed to be together. She told me to call the radio station because people were sharing their Michael stories, but I wanted to hear examples before I actually called in. We listened, and it was amazing how much better I felt listening to his music. It's like one of the people on BET said tonight -- listening to his music keeps you in your happy place. It's when the music ends that reality sets in. Or starts setting in. I'm not sure when the acceptance phase is going to begin, but I know it won't be for a long time. Anyway, I ended up not calling in because the DJ made a Michael joke and I couldn't handle it. We started flipping channels until we heard a Michael song (there was basically one playing at all times). Cassi and I were going crazy dancing and singing along, but it felt so good to do.
I'd gotten a tweet saying MTV was playing Michael's videos (*gasp* music videos on MTV?), so I wanted to go to my mom's apartment so we could take advantage of her cable. Cassi burned a couple of Michael mixes before we left. We grabbed dinner on the way (I totally didn't realize we hadn't eaten), then sat in front of the TV waiting for Michael. Unfortunately MTV was being real MTV and not playing music videos, and we were afraid to watch any specials because we weren't ready to deal with them emotionally. Luckily BET was doing a Michael tribute with music videos and musicians calling in to share their thoughts & memories, so we watched that for a couple of hours. I was annoyed because they weren't playing full videos, but Cassi reminded me that they had time limits and couldn't air everything they'd want to air without cutting something. It was actually really therapeutic to watch it and see how many people have been touched by Michael's music.
Jon and I came back here. I wanted to watch my videos of his music videos, but started getting annoyed that I don't have DVD versions. So, we went to stores to see if anybody had any. Most stores were closed, and the Michael Jackson section was pretty empty anyway. I might go out tomorrow to look for one. I have the videos and they're all on youtube, but...I don't know. I bored Jon to death with more of my Michael stories, then he went to bed. Which is where I should be heading, but I'm not thinking I'll be sleeping much tonight. I'm on such a rollercoaster. At one minute I'm totally dealing with it great, the next I'm sobbing. It's going to be awhile before this is okay. And I feel like a loser since I didn't know him, but he's meant so much to me throughout my life. It's too hard to accept a world without him.
This just sucks. He's only 50. He was gearing up for his big comeback and things were looking hopeful. He has three young kids, and he's a single dad. They need him. The music world needs him. This can't be reality. :( :(
BTW, sorry I haven't commented for awhile! I try to get updated before I make an entry, but I needed to get this out.