What I wish I could say to swimmers in real life.
This is something I've thought about writing in various forms, so I'll put it here even though I'm pretty sure very very few people will ever read it here.
Things your friendly local lifeguards think you should know (but would never tell you)
We are judging you. For everything, we are judging your swimming ability (which is in fact our job,) your bathing suit, your goggles, your attitude, and how well you do or don’t supervise your children.
If I don’t know your name and life story I have invented a nickname. So if you’re going to be coming to the pool regularly, introduce yourself to the regular lifeguards. There’s an added bonus here that we tend to know important things about your fellow pool goers, such as who you really want to avoid sharing a lap lane with.
Bathing suits have an expiration date. This goes for men’s and women’s bathing suits. If your bathing suit is becoming less than opaque or has faded to a skin tone that makes us double take to check that you are indeed wearing a bathing suit, please do everyone the favor of replacing it.
There is such a thing as inappropriate swim wear. The obvious ones here are trying to come into the pool in jeans, but there are others. Children are only cute in just a swim diaper until they can walk without wobbling, once they’re solidly mobile, invest in a bathing suit, no one thinks the obese 4 year old in a swim diaper and swim shirt is cute. Also, as a chubby lifeguard I do not wear a bikini in public, chubby men, please do me the same courtesy when deciding between the knee length speedo and the banana hammock.
Just because I like kids doesn’t mean I can babysit yours while I’m working. Supervise your own damn children. Every public pool in the universe has a sign with their rules regarding supervision of children. If it says you must be in the water with your 7 year old it’s for a good reason, lifeguards shouldn’t have to spend your entire visit to the pool yelling at your children for breaking the same rule all day. Similarly, your 3 year old is not old enough to swim without an adult in the water (even if the pool is zero depth entry) and your 11 year old probably behaves a hell of a lot better when you’re on the pool deck than when you drop them off and leave. I love kids, if you want me to babysit when I’m not working, ask me if I’m available, otherwise, supervise your own kids.
Don’t be a grouchy pain in the ass for the opening shift guards. We drag our asses out of bed at 4:00 in the morning so the pool can open at 5:00. If you’re a morning person and smile and say “hi!” and are glad that we’re there, thank you. If you’re a grumpy pain in the ass, sleep in and save us the aggravation of having to deal with your grumpy ass. Pools have chemical issues frequently and the opening guards are the ones who get the first shot at fixing them. Most fixes are relatively simple and will only detour your day for 20 minutes or so, so please be patient and understand that we’re doing the best we can. Also, if you’re the first lap swimmer in the pool every day and you see the same lifeguard at 5:00 am every day, buy them a coffee every once in awhile, they will never hate you for the thought.
We drain and clean the hot tub weekly. The upside of this is that the hot tub you frequent is not a bacterial cesspool. The downside is that it takes a solid half a day or so for the hot tub to get back up to its normal temperature. If you’d prefer the always hot bacterial cesspool let management know, but don’t bitch at the lifeguards for something beyond our control. I’m going to give you the same piece of advice I gave the grumpy early morning person, stay the fuck home on the day you know it’s going to be warming up if it’s going to bother you that much, we have more to worry about than a routine cleaning procedure irritating you.
I want to swim test your kids. Seriously, I would love to swim test every child who is going to be swimming more than an arms reach away from an adult. It makes my job much easier if I know the swimming ability of every child in my pool. And it’s easier to keep your children in the parts of the pool that are safest for them if I have swim tested them. In no small part because they may not be as good of a swimmer as you think they are.
Please don’t stand between my lifeguard chair and the pool, you’re effectively endangering your own children by compromising my line of sight, seriously, why do I even need to put this one in here.
Just because I’m a good lifeguard doesn’t mean the highschool kid at the other end of the pool is. So watch your damn kids. I'm probably trying to keep a spare eye on what's going on in their section of the pool anyway, but I may miss something on the other end of the pool.
Finally and most importantly, the main point of my job isn’t to rescue people who’ve gotten themselves into trouble, it’s to keep the pool safe so I DON'T have to rescue someone. So when I tell you not to dive, or that you’re 4 year old isn’t big enough for the big water slide it’s for a good reason. Please heed the lifeguards and the posted rules, it’ll make all of our lives easier.
Thanks for reading, pass it on to your friends.
Things your friendly local lifeguards think you should know (but would never tell you)
We are judging you. For everything, we are judging your swimming ability (which is in fact our job,) your bathing suit, your goggles, your attitude, and how well you do or don’t supervise your children.
If I don’t know your name and life story I have invented a nickname. So if you’re going to be coming to the pool regularly, introduce yourself to the regular lifeguards. There’s an added bonus here that we tend to know important things about your fellow pool goers, such as who you really want to avoid sharing a lap lane with.
Bathing suits have an expiration date. This goes for men’s and women’s bathing suits. If your bathing suit is becoming less than opaque or has faded to a skin tone that makes us double take to check that you are indeed wearing a bathing suit, please do everyone the favor of replacing it.
There is such a thing as inappropriate swim wear. The obvious ones here are trying to come into the pool in jeans, but there are others. Children are only cute in just a swim diaper until they can walk without wobbling, once they’re solidly mobile, invest in a bathing suit, no one thinks the obese 4 year old in a swim diaper and swim shirt is cute. Also, as a chubby lifeguard I do not wear a bikini in public, chubby men, please do me the same courtesy when deciding between the knee length speedo and the banana hammock.
Just because I like kids doesn’t mean I can babysit yours while I’m working. Supervise your own damn children. Every public pool in the universe has a sign with their rules regarding supervision of children. If it says you must be in the water with your 7 year old it’s for a good reason, lifeguards shouldn’t have to spend your entire visit to the pool yelling at your children for breaking the same rule all day. Similarly, your 3 year old is not old enough to swim without an adult in the water (even if the pool is zero depth entry) and your 11 year old probably behaves a hell of a lot better when you’re on the pool deck than when you drop them off and leave. I love kids, if you want me to babysit when I’m not working, ask me if I’m available, otherwise, supervise your own kids.
Don’t be a grouchy pain in the ass for the opening shift guards. We drag our asses out of bed at 4:00 in the morning so the pool can open at 5:00. If you’re a morning person and smile and say “hi!” and are glad that we’re there, thank you. If you’re a grumpy pain in the ass, sleep in and save us the aggravation of having to deal with your grumpy ass. Pools have chemical issues frequently and the opening guards are the ones who get the first shot at fixing them. Most fixes are relatively simple and will only detour your day for 20 minutes or so, so please be patient and understand that we’re doing the best we can. Also, if you’re the first lap swimmer in the pool every day and you see the same lifeguard at 5:00 am every day, buy them a coffee every once in awhile, they will never hate you for the thought.
We drain and clean the hot tub weekly. The upside of this is that the hot tub you frequent is not a bacterial cesspool. The downside is that it takes a solid half a day or so for the hot tub to get back up to its normal temperature. If you’d prefer the always hot bacterial cesspool let management know, but don’t bitch at the lifeguards for something beyond our control. I’m going to give you the same piece of advice I gave the grumpy early morning person, stay the fuck home on the day you know it’s going to be warming up if it’s going to bother you that much, we have more to worry about than a routine cleaning procedure irritating you.
I want to swim test your kids. Seriously, I would love to swim test every child who is going to be swimming more than an arms reach away from an adult. It makes my job much easier if I know the swimming ability of every child in my pool. And it’s easier to keep your children in the parts of the pool that are safest for them if I have swim tested them. In no small part because they may not be as good of a swimmer as you think they are.
Please don’t stand between my lifeguard chair and the pool, you’re effectively endangering your own children by compromising my line of sight, seriously, why do I even need to put this one in here.
Just because I’m a good lifeguard doesn’t mean the highschool kid at the other end of the pool is. So watch your damn kids. I'm probably trying to keep a spare eye on what's going on in their section of the pool anyway, but I may miss something on the other end of the pool.
Finally and most importantly, the main point of my job isn’t to rescue people who’ve gotten themselves into trouble, it’s to keep the pool safe so I DON'T have to rescue someone. So when I tell you not to dive, or that you’re 4 year old isn’t big enough for the big water slide it’s for a good reason. Please heed the lifeguards and the posted rules, it’ll make all of our lives easier.
Thanks for reading, pass it on to your friends.