So it's been a while
I haven't written in forever - and I'd normally use the excuse that it was because someone got really mad at me a while back for writing what I felt and so I stopped writing. Well, I decided to write again 'cause frankly I've stopped caring about that situation. I think its coming to a point where I need to let out some of this emotional crap before it kicks my butt... so here is the shortened version - because I do need to sleep tonight.
My grandmother has terminal cancer as I may have mentioned before. However, now it is to the point where she could go at any time. She's still stubborn and feisty at times and now her dementia is accelerating too. She says stuff she would have never said before and sometimes doesn't really mean it. She's like a little kid with attitude. She's in a nursing home now and my parents guilted me into living here in her apartment with the dog. The dog couldnt come to our house because the cat wanted to make mince meat out of his face. So here I am, living here in my grandmother's house with all of the memories with none of my stuff from home by myself for the dog. I told my parents I didnt want to live here and I'd be sacrificing my happiness for the dog's happiness and they told me I'd probably be sacrificing the dog if I didn't live here with him because theyd have to take him to a shelter and as old as he is and as undisciplined as he is, hed probably be put down/unadoptable. I'm not a dog person and sometimes I think I loathe him... I understand that yes hes probably greiving and i understand that his life is changing and he doesnt understand why... but so am I... and no one is forcing someone else to live with me, to comfort me. Yes I'm feeling selfish, so sue me. I dislike drooling, barking, smelling/being smelled, chewing *on my socks*... dogs are a pain in the butt. I miss my cat like nobody's business. So anyway, back to my grandmother in the nursing home. My uncle and my mother told her she was going to the Augusta Rehabilitation Center to find out what was wrong with her - she doesnt understand she has dementia or cancer and it does no good to tell her every day. She tells us constantly that she feels week and doesnt understand why she feels the way she does. Shes been there for about three weeks now and she keeps saying that she hasn't seen a doctor and she cant see as though they are monitoring her and she doesn't feel she needs to be there. Today she was demanding to go home. She wanted me to press the nurses' button for her so she could tell someone she was leaving - she was under the impression we were taking her home. I told her I wouldn't press the button and she said "Kristen give it to me now." And I told her no. She said she wanted to go home and I told her "I'm sorry" in the most deadpan voice I could muster. I couldn't tell her she wasn't coming home again... because the stupid lie my uncle and mother told her is somehow still sticking in her head - shes being monitored at the rehab center to figure out what is wrong with her and she hasnt seen that they are doing that. She wanted to go home and was all nervous about getting her reading glasses- bringing them with her. she was sitting in the wheelchair and told us she needed to go to the bathroom and so we got a nurse to help her and before he came in I told her she wouldnt need her reading glasses in the bathroom so I'd take them for her and she told me that she'd shove them down my throat if it would just shut me up. She has days where she's cantankerous and she has days where she's really weak and out of it - asking about dead relatives and loved ones. It sucks... and around Thanksgiving I cried a lot about it and Jeremy was there for me 110% and I was so/am so happy to have him around. I take for granted, sometimes, everything he does for me and how much he cares and how strong he is in all aspects of the word. I don't know what I would have done without him. - so there... I'm upset mostly because of my grandmother being terminally ill and having to live here at her apt with her unruly dog without the comforts of my home at Christmastime.
Work has been touch and go - meaning I like it, I dont, I like it, I don't care anymore. Right now I'm hovering somewhere between all three. There are days I care a lot and work my butt off and there are days I don't care at all and do nothing and there are days where I hate everything about it and just blow up at those around me. Retail is not my place and I'm looking elsewhere - non profit/helping-type organizations. I've also applied for the department head of Paint - don't ask me why, I'd probably be shooting myself in the foot to take it, but I'm in the cue anyway.
I really get antsy and kinda dreamy/nostalgic in the winter. I've noticed that my mood is much like last year where i just want to get out and go - move out and make a place for myself away from my parents ... have a home of my own. I've been day dreaming about apartments, however working at HOme Depot has made me dream more about owning my own home and decorating it to suit my fancy. If only I had a spare $150000... *sigh*.
Anyway thats a snippet of my life and MAYBE I'll update more regularly but no promises.
My grandmother has terminal cancer as I may have mentioned before. However, now it is to the point where she could go at any time. She's still stubborn and feisty at times and now her dementia is accelerating too. She says stuff she would have never said before and sometimes doesn't really mean it. She's like a little kid with attitude. She's in a nursing home now and my parents guilted me into living here in her apartment with the dog. The dog couldnt come to our house because the cat wanted to make mince meat out of his face. So here I am, living here in my grandmother's house with all of the memories with none of my stuff from home by myself for the dog. I told my parents I didnt want to live here and I'd be sacrificing my happiness for the dog's happiness and they told me I'd probably be sacrificing the dog if I didn't live here with him because theyd have to take him to a shelter and as old as he is and as undisciplined as he is, hed probably be put down/unadoptable. I'm not a dog person and sometimes I think I loathe him... I understand that yes hes probably greiving and i understand that his life is changing and he doesnt understand why... but so am I... and no one is forcing someone else to live with me, to comfort me. Yes I'm feeling selfish, so sue me. I dislike drooling, barking, smelling/being smelled, chewing *on my socks*... dogs are a pain in the butt. I miss my cat like nobody's business. So anyway, back to my grandmother in the nursing home. My uncle and my mother told her she was going to the Augusta Rehabilitation Center to find out what was wrong with her - she doesnt understand she has dementia or cancer and it does no good to tell her every day. She tells us constantly that she feels week and doesnt understand why she feels the way she does. Shes been there for about three weeks now and she keeps saying that she hasn't seen a doctor and she cant see as though they are monitoring her and she doesn't feel she needs to be there. Today she was demanding to go home. She wanted me to press the nurses' button for her so she could tell someone she was leaving - she was under the impression we were taking her home. I told her I wouldn't press the button and she said "Kristen give it to me now." And I told her no. She said she wanted to go home and I told her "I'm sorry" in the most deadpan voice I could muster. I couldn't tell her she wasn't coming home again... because the stupid lie my uncle and mother told her is somehow still sticking in her head - shes being monitored at the rehab center to figure out what is wrong with her and she hasnt seen that they are doing that. She wanted to go home and was all nervous about getting her reading glasses- bringing them with her. she was sitting in the wheelchair and told us she needed to go to the bathroom and so we got a nurse to help her and before he came in I told her she wouldnt need her reading glasses in the bathroom so I'd take them for her and she told me that she'd shove them down my throat if it would just shut me up. She has days where she's cantankerous and she has days where she's really weak and out of it - asking about dead relatives and loved ones. It sucks... and around Thanksgiving I cried a lot about it and Jeremy was there for me 110% and I was so/am so happy to have him around. I take for granted, sometimes, everything he does for me and how much he cares and how strong he is in all aspects of the word. I don't know what I would have done without him. - so there... I'm upset mostly because of my grandmother being terminally ill and having to live here at her apt with her unruly dog without the comforts of my home at Christmastime.
Work has been touch and go - meaning I like it, I dont, I like it, I don't care anymore. Right now I'm hovering somewhere between all three. There are days I care a lot and work my butt off and there are days I don't care at all and do nothing and there are days where I hate everything about it and just blow up at those around me. Retail is not my place and I'm looking elsewhere - non profit/helping-type organizations. I've also applied for the department head of Paint - don't ask me why, I'd probably be shooting myself in the foot to take it, but I'm in the cue anyway.
I really get antsy and kinda dreamy/nostalgic in the winter. I've noticed that my mood is much like last year where i just want to get out and go - move out and make a place for myself away from my parents ... have a home of my own. I've been day dreaming about apartments, however working at HOme Depot has made me dream more about owning my own home and decorating it to suit my fancy. If only I had a spare $150000... *sigh*.
Anyway thats a snippet of my life and MAYBE I'll update more regularly but no promises.