What to do with me?
I guess now that I'm over the initial miserable-ness of this whole situation I need to figure out what I want to do with me/for me. Everyone knows I'm a planner - always looking ahead and having trouble with the here and now... so what is it that I can plan? Obviously for the more immediate situations... I plan to commit to nothing in the relationship department for a while. I need to heal.. its that simple. I don't mind getting to know people, explore the casual dating scene that I never explored before hand... but thats about as far as it goes. I want to take time to remember who single me is. I kinda miss the person I am when I'm single... I like ME better that way. I'm not necessarily comfortable being single but I feel like a better more caring, generous person when I am single and have the time and ability to devote myself to others. I think what scares me about being single is that at the end of the day I have no one there to appreciate me and the things that I do - I have no one to love me for that person that I am. I need to love me for the person I am again. I like me... but I need to love me. I hate the idea of being selfish... but right now is the time to do that - no questions.
Anyway... so what I've been thinking is that I need to break out of my 'comfortable' little box that I've erected for myself. I want to do something out of the norm for me. Road trip? Hike the Appalachian? Travel abroad? Visit half a zillion amusement parks? Follow my dreams? I really just need a release with something adventurous. I just don't know what adventure I want to pursue and at the moment, unless I want to be unemployed I can't really go on any more than a two day adventure. Maybe I want my employment to be my adventure? I dont know.
I'm just really confused... between the emotional crap and the desires to do other and new things. I guess thats the normal place to be considering the situation. I really question what is in the future for me... I don't like being single... but I like who I am when I am single. I turn into a monster in relationships. Does that mean I shouldn't look for them? Well I shouldn't anyway... I should let the relationship come to me on its own... this whole pursuit thing is for the birds. I'm tired of guys changing for me... I'm tired of changing for guys... I dont intend to, they dont intend to... but for some stupid reason it happens. It just means that when I find the right person... change will be as minimal as possible... because I dont believe you should change your values or your own personal beliefs for ANYONE. Do not neglect you for someone else. I can't neglect me.
I'm really in a weird place. Ive bounced back and fourth on an emotional yo yo and there are situations staring me in the face that I'm just not even ready to look at yet. I don't want to deal with it... but I have to *all of it... and its not just one thing*. Im already feeling restless... like I shouldn't be here in my parents house now. I was gonna be here, working at Home Depot til I got married. Now what am I gonna do? I'm not gonna live here forever, I can't be a leach. I can't really afford to move out even making the decent amount per hour that I make... stupid car/insurance/loans. I need to figure out what I want to do... where I need/want to be. I have nothing holding me back besides me.
Gotta let it all go.
Anyway... so what I've been thinking is that I need to break out of my 'comfortable' little box that I've erected for myself. I want to do something out of the norm for me. Road trip? Hike the Appalachian? Travel abroad? Visit half a zillion amusement parks? Follow my dreams? I really just need a release with something adventurous. I just don't know what adventure I want to pursue and at the moment, unless I want to be unemployed I can't really go on any more than a two day adventure. Maybe I want my employment to be my adventure? I dont know.
I'm just really confused... between the emotional crap and the desires to do other and new things. I guess thats the normal place to be considering the situation. I really question what is in the future for me... I don't like being single... but I like who I am when I am single. I turn into a monster in relationships. Does that mean I shouldn't look for them? Well I shouldn't anyway... I should let the relationship come to me on its own... this whole pursuit thing is for the birds. I'm tired of guys changing for me... I'm tired of changing for guys... I dont intend to, they dont intend to... but for some stupid reason it happens. It just means that when I find the right person... change will be as minimal as possible... because I dont believe you should change your values or your own personal beliefs for ANYONE. Do not neglect you for someone else. I can't neglect me.
I'm really in a weird place. Ive bounced back and fourth on an emotional yo yo and there are situations staring me in the face that I'm just not even ready to look at yet. I don't want to deal with it... but I have to *all of it... and its not just one thing*. Im already feeling restless... like I shouldn't be here in my parents house now. I was gonna be here, working at Home Depot til I got married. Now what am I gonna do? I'm not gonna live here forever, I can't be a leach. I can't really afford to move out even making the decent amount per hour that I make... stupid car/insurance/loans. I need to figure out what I want to do... where I need/want to be. I have nothing holding me back besides me.
Gotta let it all go.