Contemplating, reading and quiet
It has been a very rough couple of weeks for me. Without going into a lot of detail, I almost broke up with Ken. We had two very major fights *to me* in the past two weeks and I have had a hard time dealing with the emotional reprocussions of them. I'm not one to whine to everyone about how I'm feeling, heck probably only three or four people even know that I've been upset or even what I've been upset about. I always used to run to my faith, and I tried this time, I tried to hold on, I tried to be strong. My faith, however, has been part of the problem. I don't know where I am or what I believe, what I feel, where God is in my life... I don't know anything right now. It confuses Ken - scares him. It confuses me - scares me. I really did a lot of thinking when I got back from Farmington today. *and yes btw Ken and I are ok... we talked yesterday while I was there and we're working on working things out* but obviously a few words aren't gonna change things over night. I want to believe it all and maybe I do... but I want to see it before I can let go of it and not get hurt again. It doesn't just work that way in my mortal relationships either. It works that way for my spiritual relationship with God. Kathleen and I had talked several weeks back and she told me she felt that I was angry at God. That might be part of it. I think more, that I'm scared that God will take away those whom I have grown closest to yet again. Four of the most important people in my life were taken away from me two summers ago. They're still alive, I could still talk to them... and I do - at least one of them still talks to me back. However... my spiritual life changed. For me, my community has helped me find my faith... I'm not saying that I believe the same as that community because if they asked me... they'd probably find that I dont on several things. However, talking with my community - the congregation, my christian friends, helps me to see and hear what it is I believe. Without conversation I don't really know where it is I stand. When someone says "I beleive this" or "God does this" I can make the decision on whether or not I beleive what they say. I've always seen God through other people, how they reach out to others - a kind word, a helpful gesture, a smile that warms the heart = caring. I want to be that person as well - I wan to care and normally I do. I see God in nature as well and today I sat outside in the grass, sang, listened and waited for the signs to come to me. As much as I would like to say that God has come crashing back into my life like a tidal wave... I can't say that. I will say that there is a stirring, like I'm more willing to search now, where as I was scared before. I want the answer - where has God gone in my life, why didnt I want to feel him and how do I begin to feel again? When I get hurt I shut off my emotional feelers to protect myself... I think I did that with God too. God hurt me by taking away my friends, my pastors, my church, my worship... I shut off. I hurt me by shutting off. I'm working by trying to turn me back on.
Much to the dismay and advice of others... I decided to read a book. I haven't gotten all the way through it yet - I've only read about 40 pages. However... it helped me to throw Wesley's view of perfection straight out the window - thank God cause its too stuffy for me. It helped me to see that Jesus loved the outcast, the outsider, the people that the righteous didn't love. I don't want to be the stereotype, I dont want to be a scary christian standing on my highhorse judging everyone who so much as wears the wrong shirt. Like the author of the book "Messy Spirituality" says... our lives are messy - and God loves us, mess and all. I want people to be who they are, to be genuine, honest, loving, heartfelt, curious, creative, spiritual... whatever it is to make them who they are.... do it. I don't want to be that person who thinks I'm too good to love someone just because they don't love God, I don't want to be that person who thinks that the rest of the world is going to Hell *if there is one, the jury is still out on that for me* because they don't believe in God. I want to genuinely love people for who they are and in the condition they are in. I want to help improve the lives of people if there is improvement to be done... if there is help needed... I want to be there to help. I don't want to help to spread the word of God or Christianity to anyone by helping anyone else... if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't but I'm not gonna go out of my way to preach to those who don't want to hear it. To each his own. I help to help. I don't know if I'll ever actually be a pastor/minister or whatever... I'm not sure I can tell people what to believe unless I believe it myself and I can't stand to have someone telling me what I should or shouldn't believe. I believe how I believe and thats the way it is. Yes... I am stubborn. What I'm really starting to feel is that I have a voice, I have capable hands, I have a creative spirit, I have honesty and integrity... I am a good person. I can be rough around the edges... but ya know what I've been told? God loves me just the way I am. You know what I believe - God loves me just the way I am.
I don't know if any of this entry makes sense. It might have made more sense if I wrote it right after I got back from the Blane Memorial, however I had to go get the dog from the groomers, so this entry is a bit delayed/separated from the thoughts that were there earlier. I do know that I feel better about the space I'm in. A few friends have helped to point out that I need to find my faith for myself... however... finding my faith for myself may not be the same way that someone else may find their faith. We all have our different ways, our different beliefs, personalities, feelings and quirks. Let me have mine and I'll let you have yours. All I ask is that people accept me for the person I am because I KNOW in my heart that I'm a good person... and I know that I'd still be a good person with or without God in my life. I was a good person before and I'm a good person now. - THE END
Much to the dismay and advice of others... I decided to read a book. I haven't gotten all the way through it yet - I've only read about 40 pages. However... it helped me to throw Wesley's view of perfection straight out the window - thank God cause its too stuffy for me. It helped me to see that Jesus loved the outcast, the outsider, the people that the righteous didn't love. I don't want to be the stereotype, I dont want to be a scary christian standing on my highhorse judging everyone who so much as wears the wrong shirt. Like the author of the book "Messy Spirituality" says... our lives are messy - and God loves us, mess and all. I want people to be who they are, to be genuine, honest, loving, heartfelt, curious, creative, spiritual... whatever it is to make them who they are.... do it. I don't want to be that person who thinks I'm too good to love someone just because they don't love God, I don't want to be that person who thinks that the rest of the world is going to Hell *if there is one, the jury is still out on that for me* because they don't believe in God. I want to genuinely love people for who they are and in the condition they are in. I want to help improve the lives of people if there is improvement to be done... if there is help needed... I want to be there to help. I don't want to help to spread the word of God or Christianity to anyone by helping anyone else... if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't but I'm not gonna go out of my way to preach to those who don't want to hear it. To each his own. I help to help. I don't know if I'll ever actually be a pastor/minister or whatever... I'm not sure I can tell people what to believe unless I believe it myself and I can't stand to have someone telling me what I should or shouldn't believe. I believe how I believe and thats the way it is. Yes... I am stubborn. What I'm really starting to feel is that I have a voice, I have capable hands, I have a creative spirit, I have honesty and integrity... I am a good person. I can be rough around the edges... but ya know what I've been told? God loves me just the way I am. You know what I believe - God loves me just the way I am.
I don't know if any of this entry makes sense. It might have made more sense if I wrote it right after I got back from the Blane Memorial, however I had to go get the dog from the groomers, so this entry is a bit delayed/separated from the thoughts that were there earlier. I do know that I feel better about the space I'm in. A few friends have helped to point out that I need to find my faith for myself... however... finding my faith for myself may not be the same way that someone else may find their faith. We all have our different ways, our different beliefs, personalities, feelings and quirks. Let me have mine and I'll let you have yours. All I ask is that people accept me for the person I am because I KNOW in my heart that I'm a good person... and I know that I'd still be a good person with or without God in my life. I was a good person before and I'm a good person now. - THE END