(no subject)

[coonkat]

Where has my faith gone and why do I cringe at the thought of trying to bring it back? Where has my faith gone and why did it leave? I just don't understand. Most days I'm so busy with everything else that I just dont think about it; I dont care. Today is one of those days where I've had some time to sit and think... not to mention SVU made me think about my faith, Ken made me think about my faith, my playlist on itunes made me think about my faith... where the heck is it? Yes I still believe in God, and Jesus - life, death, resurrection and all... but the communication and desire for it has vanished. Church means nothing to me. I get nervous when I think about prayer, meditation, anything that might make me conscentrate on the state of my faith for any longer than 5 seconds. Even this is making me a tad nervous. I still care about the well-being of the less fortunate. I still care about ministry to others. But it seems that God and I no longer have a connection... something is broken. Maybe I'm broken/my faith is broken. What is there for me to have faith in? I realize that I have an entire future ahead of me... but the rescent past has given me little for which to be thankful. I know when this awful drought ends I'll know the lesson and I'll want to go back in time and knock my current self aside the head. Right now though... I just wish I felt even the desire to pray, the need to meditation, the want to minister... rather than this complete aversion to anything religiously related. I feel like a part of me is trembling in the corner, crying and scared to come out for fear of something... I dont even know what. I always used to feel so alive and aware at church, after prayer/meditaiton... now I have no desire to participate in anything that involves it. I spent months hoping my church would reach out to me... and only when I cried and begged for them to send me an email did they even send an email asking how I was doing. When I asked for a prayer shawl they said one would come eventually - this was in November mind you. It is now almost April... still no prayer shawl and I think now I wouldn't even want one. I dont want them to care if they arent going to do it without my asking. I hate how I am the only person my age at church. Anna is the closest person to my age and shes not always there and we were never really close. If you go the other way - Jen is probably closest to my age and shes in her thirties. Where are the twenty-somethings? Why haven't I had sense enough to leave like all of them? Where would I go? It makes me so upset when I look at the new sanctuary, knowing what Jan, Mike and those involved int he planning process had envisioned and then to realize that the sanctuary is not being used even close to its full potential. It just makes me livid. There is no creativity, I dont recognize MOST of the music. The sermons are BORING. I'm scared to participate in joys and concerns because I dont want to get too attatched anymore - they might take it away again and I'll still be just as hurt... might as well remain that way. Ugh. I have so much resentment... its awful. I dont even know who I resent. I'm not sure if I resent the conference for taking Jan and Mike away, or if I resent Thom for coming in... or if i resent myself for not staying faithful or God for not knocking me upside the head a little more often. I just wish things were remotely close to what they used to be.... when I had friends at church, when the music made the service, when I laughed at stupid jokes, when preaching happened att he same level as the congregation, when there were plays, solos, poetry, stories and other congregational creativity encouraged by the pastor. I want someone to care... to reach out to me from my church without my having to ask and cry and whine for it all the time. I hate having to ask for help... people shoudl talk to me without my having to ask for it all the time... peole should care about by well being without my having to ask for them to care. God cares... and right now I wish even I cared... about my faith... and I guess part of me does for writing this... another part of me is screaming "what ARE you doing?"

I just dont know... I have no answers pertaining to anything right now.