Painfully honest
A suggestion to write drives my decision to pen this document (pen of course is used in the metaphorical sense; as you can see I’m writing this on the computer that lacks ink and the true physical form known as a pen). I have been told to write my thoughts and feelings in hopes that it may help, and that it may, but then again it might not. I find myself feeling ever so cynical these days. Perhaps that feeling stems from the desire that all I really want to do in life is to be happy and aid others to feel happy as well. It seems like such a simple goal but it is impossible to achieve (at least from my present perspective).
What aids my cynicism so is the fact that it doesn’t seem to matter how much I try. I feel motivated; I drive myself harder to study further. I get mentally, physically and emotionally drained and I no longer feel motivated; however I study anyway. The end result is a 67 on a QUIZ for a class. That 67 burst the bubble of hope and opened the door for me to go from feeling a little overwhelmed to drowning in a sea of doubts, inadequacy and fear. It leaves me wondering if there was really even hope to begin with or if it was all a fascad. I have lost all desire to even be here and finish it out. The defeated part of me just wants to pack up now and cut my losses. However, there is another part of me (the dedicated and reliable worker that I am) that just feels like I’m being a loser and that I should suck it up and take on the challenge of impossibility and keep plugging. The defeat is winning; however the part that says I’m a loser is doing a pretty good job at convincing me of that as well. So therefore I am staying here… feeling like a loser and doing nothing to climb out of the trap of defeat. I feel like part of me is turning inward and attacking itself… chewing away at my insides, tying my stomach up in knots, causing my brain to doubt and my thoughts to swirl out of control the second my head hits the pillows.
I wish I could say that I know this doubt will pass but it’s not just a recent doubt. It’s a fear that has continued to grow and to thrive within for over a year and a half. After Jan and Mike left the church I started wondering who I was without them. What did my ministry mean without the Davis influence? Was it even there to begin with? Would it be there when they were gone? After more than a year of questions I know I have a call and it’s not just the Davis nudge that gave it the wings with which to fly. However my thoughts on ministry, my thoughts on faith and God, my thoughts about people and the world and the church have all changed significantly since the Davis departure. If it is possible I have become even more welcoming to other faiths - my curiosity has been sparked about spiritualism, old druidic practices, Wicca, and yes of course other Christianity based faiths as well. This past summer I went as far as to question if I belonged where I was. Could I participate in a religion that preached that their hearts, their minds and doors were always open… when those same hearts, minds and doors are often closed to certain members of society because of their sexual orientation, their different political beliefs, and whatever else? I looked at the congregational church… but again it was just looking… cause thoughts of change…any sort of change leave me whimpering helplessly.
Change, oh such a scary thing. I still dream of having my MDIV, preaching to a growing congregation, filled with young people so there is also a thriving youth group. I see mission work, I see creativity, I see a nontraditional format of worship and use of space in the sanctuary, I see participation… I see thriving. Yet… there is also the itineracy… what happens when I have to leave that thriving communitiy that I have nurtured? I get a phone call and all of a sudden I have to go… but wait… what about my family? Can I seriously say that I’m willing (is it bad to reject God’s call based on my own personal refusal of change and uprooting my family) to completely move my life, move my family, ask Ken to take a different job and go elsewhere? No I can’t say that I’m willing… can I say no to God and feel good about it? Oh God… what do I do?
I will have you know that through it all I’ve decided that the UMC is where I belong unless I go into some sort of ministry where there is no real denomination - which may just suit me best. I’m a live and let live sort of person… I may not agree with you, you may not agree with me… and as long as you don’t force it on me I don’t mind that you believe differently. I accept other religions - again along the same principle. If you’re Christian and that works for you… ok. If you’re muslim and that works for you … ok. You get the idea… I had a chat with someone a week or two ago who, like me, had also been considering the UCC. Then he told me some wise words that someone had told him… don’t leave because you believe something different, stay and help bring about change. This was in terms of acceptance of homosexuality in the church… don’t leave the UMC because they don’t accept it, stay instead to bring about the change. Part of me sees it possible in New England… however I don’t hold out much hope for the rest of the world to jump on the bandwagon any time soon.
The real dilemma I am facing is this: What ministry am I called to? I’ve spent three years saying YES ITS ORDAINED MINISTRY. However, for the last year or so I’ve secretly doubted, secretly dreamed of other things: namely youth and mission work… but I’ve always insisted that I wanted those in addition to ministering to a congregation. Its been a more serious dream than that now however. Part of me wonders what I want more… what God wants more. Do I still think I’m called to Ordained ministry? Yes… but I refuse to be itinerant. What can I do with that? Do I still think I’m called to youth work and mission? Yes… however those two CAN cause me to move but they aren’t as strict about it as Elders orders are. Someone told me that they thought my gifts were better suited for Deaconal work… however I want my job to pay me something… I don’t want to leave Ken to foot the entire bill and I’m not working 80+ hours a week, 40 of which I don’t even get paid for. I want a family, and right now the idea of having a family is most important to me. I need to see myself supporting my family both financially and emotionally - emotionally being THE MOST important aspect I am concerned with. I believe strongly that yes money makes the world go round but love is the basis of all.
Admitting all of this is hard. I have hidden much of this for almost a year in fear that if I went back on my decisions that I’d have to back track. I suppose it’s easier to back track now than later on down the road. However… do I get my MDIV? Do I try to be a minister? Do I do something else and just minister on the side in my own way? How do I bring about the change I want to see in the UMC - the worship, the policies- without being in the inner circle/clergy? Do I become a local pastor? Do I do deacon work and work my butt off? Do I try to start my own sort of youth mission in Maine? Do I try to work as a college chaplin on a college campus in Maine? Do I work somewhere else doing something else altogether and if so what should I do? Do I go back to school study for something else or do I make do with what I have? How do know what God wants? How do I know what I want without trying it?
That leads to another problem… except for a few moments here and there - God and I don’t speak. It is a problem of prayer… I will admit… but its also a problem of clarity. Every time I pray… I feel, hear, see nothing… I feel no response. I feel like I’m bumbling along hoping somehow, someway God will find me… pick me up and say… I’m here, I’ve been here… and then He takes the cotton out of my ears… can you hear me now? I feel like I don’t have time in my day… I feel guilty at times taking the time to pray… or I can’t get the immediate concerns I have out of my head and out of the way enough to concentrate to pray or meditate. I used to love meditation and I would feel so calm after… Successful meditation is something of the past and something I can only strive to achieve some day, some way, in the future. Someone has told me before that sometimes we have to struggle through the unsuccessful prayer/mediation and eventually clarity and successful prayer will arise. Its been over a year since I’ve had consistently successful prayer sessions. I have had an occasional one… I will admit… but I can probably count them on one hand.
So I sit here, in this pile of confusion - leaving school, having to pay back loans, wondering where to live, what to study (if anything) what to do for work… change is all around me. Money is a paralyzing fear. I think money and I automatically feel ill. I think about the fact that I have to make AT LEAST 10 dollars an hour or I won’t be able to survive in the coming year. I wonder why in the world is the minimum wage 3 dollars less than what I would need to live even meagerly?
I wish I knew how to execute a talk with God. I wish I knew of a place to find inspirational worship that might help me cultivate my prayer and worship life again. I don’t think that Green Street is the place for me anymore… just another talking head in the pulpit (sigh). I wish I knew how to bring this up in personal conversations rather than in writing. I wish I knew how to ask for help before I get to these points of utter despair. I wish those I do ask for help would do something… say something that could help me see it all differently - help me put it into perspective.
Ps. Work was fun until I actually needed to do it to live.
What aids my cynicism so is the fact that it doesn’t seem to matter how much I try. I feel motivated; I drive myself harder to study further. I get mentally, physically and emotionally drained and I no longer feel motivated; however I study anyway. The end result is a 67 on a QUIZ for a class. That 67 burst the bubble of hope and opened the door for me to go from feeling a little overwhelmed to drowning in a sea of doubts, inadequacy and fear. It leaves me wondering if there was really even hope to begin with or if it was all a fascad. I have lost all desire to even be here and finish it out. The defeated part of me just wants to pack up now and cut my losses. However, there is another part of me (the dedicated and reliable worker that I am) that just feels like I’m being a loser and that I should suck it up and take on the challenge of impossibility and keep plugging. The defeat is winning; however the part that says I’m a loser is doing a pretty good job at convincing me of that as well. So therefore I am staying here… feeling like a loser and doing nothing to climb out of the trap of defeat. I feel like part of me is turning inward and attacking itself… chewing away at my insides, tying my stomach up in knots, causing my brain to doubt and my thoughts to swirl out of control the second my head hits the pillows.
I wish I could say that I know this doubt will pass but it’s not just a recent doubt. It’s a fear that has continued to grow and to thrive within for over a year and a half. After Jan and Mike left the church I started wondering who I was without them. What did my ministry mean without the Davis influence? Was it even there to begin with? Would it be there when they were gone? After more than a year of questions I know I have a call and it’s not just the Davis nudge that gave it the wings with which to fly. However my thoughts on ministry, my thoughts on faith and God, my thoughts about people and the world and the church have all changed significantly since the Davis departure. If it is possible I have become even more welcoming to other faiths - my curiosity has been sparked about spiritualism, old druidic practices, Wicca, and yes of course other Christianity based faiths as well. This past summer I went as far as to question if I belonged where I was. Could I participate in a religion that preached that their hearts, their minds and doors were always open… when those same hearts, minds and doors are often closed to certain members of society because of their sexual orientation, their different political beliefs, and whatever else? I looked at the congregational church… but again it was just looking… cause thoughts of change…any sort of change leave me whimpering helplessly.
Change, oh such a scary thing. I still dream of having my MDIV, preaching to a growing congregation, filled with young people so there is also a thriving youth group. I see mission work, I see creativity, I see a nontraditional format of worship and use of space in the sanctuary, I see participation… I see thriving. Yet… there is also the itineracy… what happens when I have to leave that thriving communitiy that I have nurtured? I get a phone call and all of a sudden I have to go… but wait… what about my family? Can I seriously say that I’m willing (is it bad to reject God’s call based on my own personal refusal of change and uprooting my family) to completely move my life, move my family, ask Ken to take a different job and go elsewhere? No I can’t say that I’m willing… can I say no to God and feel good about it? Oh God… what do I do?
I will have you know that through it all I’ve decided that the UMC is where I belong unless I go into some sort of ministry where there is no real denomination - which may just suit me best. I’m a live and let live sort of person… I may not agree with you, you may not agree with me… and as long as you don’t force it on me I don’t mind that you believe differently. I accept other religions - again along the same principle. If you’re Christian and that works for you… ok. If you’re muslim and that works for you … ok. You get the idea… I had a chat with someone a week or two ago who, like me, had also been considering the UCC. Then he told me some wise words that someone had told him… don’t leave because you believe something different, stay and help bring about change. This was in terms of acceptance of homosexuality in the church… don’t leave the UMC because they don’t accept it, stay instead to bring about the change. Part of me sees it possible in New England… however I don’t hold out much hope for the rest of the world to jump on the bandwagon any time soon.
The real dilemma I am facing is this: What ministry am I called to? I’ve spent three years saying YES ITS ORDAINED MINISTRY. However, for the last year or so I’ve secretly doubted, secretly dreamed of other things: namely youth and mission work… but I’ve always insisted that I wanted those in addition to ministering to a congregation. Its been a more serious dream than that now however. Part of me wonders what I want more… what God wants more. Do I still think I’m called to Ordained ministry? Yes… but I refuse to be itinerant. What can I do with that? Do I still think I’m called to youth work and mission? Yes… however those two CAN cause me to move but they aren’t as strict about it as Elders orders are. Someone told me that they thought my gifts were better suited for Deaconal work… however I want my job to pay me something… I don’t want to leave Ken to foot the entire bill and I’m not working 80+ hours a week, 40 of which I don’t even get paid for. I want a family, and right now the idea of having a family is most important to me. I need to see myself supporting my family both financially and emotionally - emotionally being THE MOST important aspect I am concerned with. I believe strongly that yes money makes the world go round but love is the basis of all.
Admitting all of this is hard. I have hidden much of this for almost a year in fear that if I went back on my decisions that I’d have to back track. I suppose it’s easier to back track now than later on down the road. However… do I get my MDIV? Do I try to be a minister? Do I do something else and just minister on the side in my own way? How do I bring about the change I want to see in the UMC - the worship, the policies- without being in the inner circle/clergy? Do I become a local pastor? Do I do deacon work and work my butt off? Do I try to start my own sort of youth mission in Maine? Do I try to work as a college chaplin on a college campus in Maine? Do I work somewhere else doing something else altogether and if so what should I do? Do I go back to school study for something else or do I make do with what I have? How do know what God wants? How do I know what I want without trying it?
That leads to another problem… except for a few moments here and there - God and I don’t speak. It is a problem of prayer… I will admit… but its also a problem of clarity. Every time I pray… I feel, hear, see nothing… I feel no response. I feel like I’m bumbling along hoping somehow, someway God will find me… pick me up and say… I’m here, I’ve been here… and then He takes the cotton out of my ears… can you hear me now? I feel like I don’t have time in my day… I feel guilty at times taking the time to pray… or I can’t get the immediate concerns I have out of my head and out of the way enough to concentrate to pray or meditate. I used to love meditation and I would feel so calm after… Successful meditation is something of the past and something I can only strive to achieve some day, some way, in the future. Someone has told me before that sometimes we have to struggle through the unsuccessful prayer/mediation and eventually clarity and successful prayer will arise. Its been over a year since I’ve had consistently successful prayer sessions. I have had an occasional one… I will admit… but I can probably count them on one hand.
So I sit here, in this pile of confusion - leaving school, having to pay back loans, wondering where to live, what to study (if anything) what to do for work… change is all around me. Money is a paralyzing fear. I think money and I automatically feel ill. I think about the fact that I have to make AT LEAST 10 dollars an hour or I won’t be able to survive in the coming year. I wonder why in the world is the minimum wage 3 dollars less than what I would need to live even meagerly?
I wish I knew how to execute a talk with God. I wish I knew of a place to find inspirational worship that might help me cultivate my prayer and worship life again. I don’t think that Green Street is the place for me anymore… just another talking head in the pulpit (sigh). I wish I knew how to bring this up in personal conversations rather than in writing. I wish I knew how to ask for help before I get to these points of utter despair. I wish those I do ask for help would do something… say something that could help me see it all differently - help me put it into perspective.
Ps. Work was fun until I actually needed to do it to live.