A lot to think about...
The semester is coming to a close... and I wonder if I have accomplished anything besides kicking my own butt for no apparent reason. Well no, there is an apparent reason... to eventually graduate and become a minister. I'll just be flat out honest because thats what I intend for this post to be... I feel like crap. I feel lonely/abandoned, I feel stupid, I feel like being here/in school is just a huge hurdle that is pointless and meaningless and that it is standing in the way of the rest of my life. I don't feel like any of my classes will aid me in the future - no one in my congregation is going to want to hear about what Gunkle said about the Pentateuch *can I even spell?* and most aren't going to want to hear about Ignatious from who knows where writing about the failings of the church... I truly feel that my ministry is going to be about love, about showing people to God by loving them, caring for them and preaching to them in a way that helps them understand that God cares, God is there and God will always be there... people need to hear that... they dont need to know how many people ripped the torah apart trying to find who really wrote this or that... who cares!? So maybe the first four classes I've taken aren't supposed to tell me what I need to know to be a minister... but can anything tell me that? I took a psych test at the beginning of orientation this fall and I got the results today. It told me what I already knew... I learn by hands on application. I do not learn by reading about it in a book or writing about it in a paper (though I learn better this way than the previous) I learn by actually doing it. I feel like school is just something I have to do to get to my eventual goal... which wouldnt be so bad if I didn't feel like crap about school. My papers have gone well, I have a B average in all of the papers I've passed in this semester. My tests and quizzes I care not to share my grades but we'll just say that they aren't anything I care to speak about too much. I spend entire weekends studying, writing and reading in hopes that I will do well on my tests and quizzes. I spent five days studying for a hebrew bible quiz, three of them FULL days... and I barely passed. I spent the same amount of time or maybe even a little longer, studying for my church history test and we're not even going to talk about that grade. Its a blow to my self-esteem, I know I'm smart... its taken me a long time to believe it cause I've never been great at school... but I KNOW I'm smart... but my grades keep telling me otherwise, making me feel STUPID. My psych testing also told me something else - I expect too much from myself and I create plans for myself, set goals that are very challenging and sometimes too high... I push myself too hard. But the problem I'm seeing here is I'm doing poorly in school and I push myself too hard. How do I do better without pushing myself to try harder? It seems like if I dont push myself I'll just do worse. Do I push myself? Do I stop pushing and see what happens? Sometimes I just feel like quitting... just stop trying altogether. What is the point in pushing myself so hard when I don't even get mediocre results? Why push at all? On a more postive note... One good thing is that the testing showed that I am heading in the right direction; it showed that Id be well suited for a religious field. The psychologist said "you aren't kidding yourself by going into the ministry." I do feel, however, that I am kidding myself by being where I am. Take that for what you will... I don't belong here. I'm like a fish trying to swim in the desert... its not gonna work. Maybe its just me being depressed and feeling neglected, feeling lonely and wishing that I could talk to people... I miss feeling useful... I miss feeling good about myself... I miss feeling like I'm doing something that really matters. I feel like Im wasting my time trying to get good grades and writing meaningles papers and taking pointless tests all to find out that I suck at studying what I'm studying and in turn feeling even worse about myself. I used to get A's and B's consistently... and now I can't even pull a C! If I dont get Cs the classes don't even count... freaking waste of time!!!!!!!!!!!! Someone told me at the beginning of the semester that I am always doing work and I shouldn't work so hard. I feel he's right... but what do I have to show for it? I want to cry - I am crying. I dont want to do anything... I dont want to go to class... whats the point? I just want to curl up in a ball and know that people love me... and sometimes I feel like thats too much to ask cause people don't extend a hand until I cry out in defeat. Well ya know what? I'm defeated....