Coming Out at Church
Today, to a packed chapel, and speaking last on a panel of four amazing members of our congregation, I came out to my church as part of a Family Forum on the Open and Affirming process.
I was nervous to say the least.
But now, after a wave of incredible affirmation, tears from congregation members, and a hearty round of hugs and handshakes, I feel more than just humbled or loved; I feel moved enough to take to my keyboard post-midnight and reflect.
In my time today, I shared my basic story- how I came to terms with my sexuality and my faith, my time at First Parish in Yarmouth, my reasoning for why FPC should become Open and Affirming, and my heartfelt thanks for all the support and welcome I have received at FPC in my time spent as conductor.
Ultimately, I concluded with this sentiment:
"Many UCC churches in Maine have already lead the discussion on becoming “Open and Affirming.” For those of you who feel that this would mean a massive change for First Parish, let me assure you, it wouldn't. You see, you've already welcomed a gay man into your midst with open arms, and truly shown him Christ's love. For those who would then question why a church would therefore need to be “Open and Affirming,” I would pose a few thoughts: Who among us that has reached out a hand to the community would not wish to extend it just a little farther? What Church wouldn't strive to be more welcoming, and exemplifying of Christ's nonjudgmental love? And finally, by becoming “Open and Affirming,” you may in fact be showing support to those closer than you'd realize. You may be reaching out to your friends, your son, your sister, your neighbor, your choir director, or even yourself.
The main reason that I personally wanted to speak to all of you is this: I wanted to thank you. I wanted to thank you for every single sign of support that you have given me in my time here, from the soups, breads, and desserts I have been showered with, to the incredible support I felt when my grandmother passed, to the encouraging words of praise for the choir after Sunday services, to the inquiries about my classes, to the invitations to meals, to the attending of my concerts and recitals. I consider myself to be incredibly blessed, and I revel in the fact that I get to brag that “I have the best job in the world,” to my friends. You have been the exact image of a Church to me, and I know that if there was any way that we could be that same image of Christ to others and make them feel that loved and welcome, I would want to grab it as hard as I could and never let go. Thank you all."
Not a single negative comment was heard.
In the discussion that followed, many church members expressed the sentiment that (prior to today's meeting,) they were unsure as to why the church was having the Open and Affirming discussion at all- weren't they already welcoming to all? Did they really NEED to write up a statement, or add those three words to their church sign and website?
When it came time for me to respond to that idea, I said that the Church is meant to be a safe place. There is a reason why we call it the "Sanctuary." In times of inner struggle, it is meant to be a place of guidance, solace, understanding, peace, and truth. While much of the O and A process focuses on making the church open to out gay and lesbians, I reminded everyone that coming to terms with one's sexual identity is not an easy process, especially when combined with the trials and tribulations and crises of identity all too prevalent in adolescence. Indeed, gay and lesbian teenagers are 4-7 times more likely to commit suicide than their heterosexual peers. While I was blessed to be surrounded by a web of close friends for support, I had felt queasy when faced with the prospect of telling my Youth Ministry peers, or a priest. The Church should never be a place where one is scared of examining the truth about one's self. If the Church is to live up to its purpose, it should be a place of self-discovery and solidification of one's identity and self-worth.
Simply put, the Church should be the last place where one should be ashamed to be the way that God created him or her.
"The Church is better than this." That's all I could think tonight when walking in the brisk night air.
The Church is too good for this.
I cannot believe in or endorse a Jesus that would condemn me for the way that God created me.
One sentiment that came up in the discussion was that the O and A process was not simply about making gays and lesbians feel welcome. Said one member, "It's not for THEM, it's for US." The idea was brought forth that this is about what we really want to be as a church- aware of the current needs of others and ourselves, and unafraid of open dialogue in the quest for further understanding.
One of the panel members today said that the fact that we even have to have this discussion was surreal to him- "Would we ever have a discussion where we decide whether or not people who are 6'2'' or taller are allowed to participate in the life of the church? Would we have a discussion today about whether or not black people should be allowed to worship with us? About people who are left-handed?"
And that's really all it is.
Do we make moral judgments based on a person's physical attributes? Is a taller man more moral? A Hispanic woman less attuned to God's Word? A deaf man less worthy of grace?
The very thought is ridiculous... at least- to us. The truth is that (not too long ago) many churches had to have discussions about opening up service to those of different ethnic backgrounds. In biblical times, if one was blind or deaf, or mentally handicapped, it was thought to be a curse, an outward sign of evil spirits or punishment for spiritual wrongs.
A person's sexual orientation does not determine said person's standing with God.
Judge a person not by those they are attracted to, but the quality of the actual relationships, and the decisions made therein.
To those who would tell me to change my orientation, or "choose to be straight," I hereby ask you to grow six inches taller and change ethnicity. Even the so called "ex-gay ministries" no longer claim that they remove homosexual urges- they only teach techniques to suppress them. To those who say that "being gay is okay, as long as you are celibate," I ask this- "If you are called to a celibate life, doesn't that mean that you would NOT feel the call to a loving, committed relationship? Gays and lesbians, by their very definition, feel that pull toward committed love. To those that say it is unnatural, I would point out that homosexuality has been observed in close to 1500 different species and that there is growing biological evidence that sexual orientation is not a choice.
To me though, it is much simpler: I refuse to put God in a box. I will not stand for cookie-cutter Christianity. I will not let others insult God's Creation by letting them further the idea that somehow, God made a mistake in the way in which I was given breath.
The Church is better than this. Therefore, the Church will not truly be the Church, the font of a non-judgmental love, a place promoting the recognition of self-worth, a voice that praises ALL of God's Creation, a source of social justice, a beacon of truth and enlightenment, a home of peace and understanding, a Sanctuary, until all of God's glorious children- gay, straight, black, white, tall, short, left-handed, right-handed, genius, mentally handicapped, deaf, blind, tone-deaf, man, woman, old, young, blonde, brunette, Pepsi-drinker, Coke-drinker, vegetarian, Democrat, Republican, left side of the bed sleeper, right side of the bed sleeper, neat freak, slob, classical music lover, rapper, Mainer, Texan, LOST-watcher, and person with or without a sense of humor is welcome to take part fully in every aspect of the life of the Church- just as God made them.
Today, I thought I was showing courage by coming out. Instead, I was showing naivete by somehow thinking that I would in some way be loved or embraced less by the church that has truly been the face of Christ to me for the last four years. I will never again feel the need to hide this gift with which God has blessed me. I refuse to let love bow down to fear.
Thank you all. I love each and every one of you.
I was nervous to say the least.
But now, after a wave of incredible affirmation, tears from congregation members, and a hearty round of hugs and handshakes, I feel more than just humbled or loved; I feel moved enough to take to my keyboard post-midnight and reflect.
In my time today, I shared my basic story- how I came to terms with my sexuality and my faith, my time at First Parish in Yarmouth, my reasoning for why FPC should become Open and Affirming, and my heartfelt thanks for all the support and welcome I have received at FPC in my time spent as conductor.
Ultimately, I concluded with this sentiment:
"Many UCC churches in Maine have already lead the discussion on becoming “Open and Affirming.” For those of you who feel that this would mean a massive change for First Parish, let me assure you, it wouldn't. You see, you've already welcomed a gay man into your midst with open arms, and truly shown him Christ's love. For those who would then question why a church would therefore need to be “Open and Affirming,” I would pose a few thoughts: Who among us that has reached out a hand to the community would not wish to extend it just a little farther? What Church wouldn't strive to be more welcoming, and exemplifying of Christ's nonjudgmental love? And finally, by becoming “Open and Affirming,” you may in fact be showing support to those closer than you'd realize. You may be reaching out to your friends, your son, your sister, your neighbor, your choir director, or even yourself.
The main reason that I personally wanted to speak to all of you is this: I wanted to thank you. I wanted to thank you for every single sign of support that you have given me in my time here, from the soups, breads, and desserts I have been showered with, to the incredible support I felt when my grandmother passed, to the encouraging words of praise for the choir after Sunday services, to the inquiries about my classes, to the invitations to meals, to the attending of my concerts and recitals. I consider myself to be incredibly blessed, and I revel in the fact that I get to brag that “I have the best job in the world,” to my friends. You have been the exact image of a Church to me, and I know that if there was any way that we could be that same image of Christ to others and make them feel that loved and welcome, I would want to grab it as hard as I could and never let go. Thank you all."
Not a single negative comment was heard.
In the discussion that followed, many church members expressed the sentiment that (prior to today's meeting,) they were unsure as to why the church was having the Open and Affirming discussion at all- weren't they already welcoming to all? Did they really NEED to write up a statement, or add those three words to their church sign and website?
When it came time for me to respond to that idea, I said that the Church is meant to be a safe place. There is a reason why we call it the "Sanctuary." In times of inner struggle, it is meant to be a place of guidance, solace, understanding, peace, and truth. While much of the O and A process focuses on making the church open to out gay and lesbians, I reminded everyone that coming to terms with one's sexual identity is not an easy process, especially when combined with the trials and tribulations and crises of identity all too prevalent in adolescence. Indeed, gay and lesbian teenagers are 4-7 times more likely to commit suicide than their heterosexual peers. While I was blessed to be surrounded by a web of close friends for support, I had felt queasy when faced with the prospect of telling my Youth Ministry peers, or a priest. The Church should never be a place where one is scared of examining the truth about one's self. If the Church is to live up to its purpose, it should be a place of self-discovery and solidification of one's identity and self-worth.
Simply put, the Church should be the last place where one should be ashamed to be the way that God created him or her.
"The Church is better than this." That's all I could think tonight when walking in the brisk night air.
The Church is too good for this.
I cannot believe in or endorse a Jesus that would condemn me for the way that God created me.
One sentiment that came up in the discussion was that the O and A process was not simply about making gays and lesbians feel welcome. Said one member, "It's not for THEM, it's for US." The idea was brought forth that this is about what we really want to be as a church- aware of the current needs of others and ourselves, and unafraid of open dialogue in the quest for further understanding.
One of the panel members today said that the fact that we even have to have this discussion was surreal to him- "Would we ever have a discussion where we decide whether or not people who are 6'2'' or taller are allowed to participate in the life of the church? Would we have a discussion today about whether or not black people should be allowed to worship with us? About people who are left-handed?"
And that's really all it is.
Do we make moral judgments based on a person's physical attributes? Is a taller man more moral? A Hispanic woman less attuned to God's Word? A deaf man less worthy of grace?
The very thought is ridiculous... at least- to us. The truth is that (not too long ago) many churches had to have discussions about opening up service to those of different ethnic backgrounds. In biblical times, if one was blind or deaf, or mentally handicapped, it was thought to be a curse, an outward sign of evil spirits or punishment for spiritual wrongs.
A person's sexual orientation does not determine said person's standing with God.
Judge a person not by those they are attracted to, but the quality of the actual relationships, and the decisions made therein.
To those who would tell me to change my orientation, or "choose to be straight," I hereby ask you to grow six inches taller and change ethnicity. Even the so called "ex-gay ministries" no longer claim that they remove homosexual urges- they only teach techniques to suppress them. To those who say that "being gay is okay, as long as you are celibate," I ask this- "If you are called to a celibate life, doesn't that mean that you would NOT feel the call to a loving, committed relationship? Gays and lesbians, by their very definition, feel that pull toward committed love. To those that say it is unnatural, I would point out that homosexuality has been observed in close to 1500 different species and that there is growing biological evidence that sexual orientation is not a choice.
To me though, it is much simpler: I refuse to put God in a box. I will not stand for cookie-cutter Christianity. I will not let others insult God's Creation by letting them further the idea that somehow, God made a mistake in the way in which I was given breath.
The Church is better than this. Therefore, the Church will not truly be the Church, the font of a non-judgmental love, a place promoting the recognition of self-worth, a voice that praises ALL of God's Creation, a source of social justice, a beacon of truth and enlightenment, a home of peace and understanding, a Sanctuary, until all of God's glorious children- gay, straight, black, white, tall, short, left-handed, right-handed, genius, mentally handicapped, deaf, blind, tone-deaf, man, woman, old, young, blonde, brunette, Pepsi-drinker, Coke-drinker, vegetarian, Democrat, Republican, left side of the bed sleeper, right side of the bed sleeper, neat freak, slob, classical music lover, rapper, Mainer, Texan, LOST-watcher, and person with or without a sense of humor is welcome to take part fully in every aspect of the life of the Church- just as God made them.
Today, I thought I was showing courage by coming out. Instead, I was showing naivete by somehow thinking that I would in some way be loved or embraced less by the church that has truly been the face of Christ to me for the last four years. I will never again feel the need to hide this gift with which God has blessed me. I refuse to let love bow down to fear.
Thank you all. I love each and every one of you.