i miss being happy
so about that last entry.....yeah, that's how i'm feeling right now. i'm all alone in the apt not only tonight, but every night for the next 3 weeks basically, and that sucks--i'm going to go crazy. but apparently my apartment sucks and people don't like to come visit me, and damn it that's what i want right now.....someone to talk to....to tell about the ridiculous customer at work today, and without them telling me to calm down about it because i'm not angry/upset about it (until that comment is made) i just want to share the story--it's my 2 minutes of venting about it to someone other than the other peeps at work, so let me fucking get it out of my system and just listen, it's what i do for you. i want someone to be here to tell me that it's okay i almost have a failing grade in my one online class and that everything will work out fine....that i'll be okay next semester and not fuck things up because they have faith in me and know that i'm capable....that i'll make it financially, even though it seems nearly impossible, and that i could handle a second job just to give me a few extra hours a week to help support myself better.....i want someone to be here so i can tell them that i would have gotten that night manager job in the uc if there hadn't been a simple misunderstanding. i want someone here to just hold me for a few minutes when i need it; i want a fucking hug for once, is that so much to ask for? apparently. and apparently it's also difficult to ask for, since i never do...although i really just feel awkward asking for one -- it seems weird to me. but seriously, i need a hug...a good hug...one that will make me just take a deep breath and relax so i'll feel better instead of sitting here all alone crying like i am right now. i just want someone here.....someone to sleep with...a cuddle buddy; i miss that luxury. and though talking on the phone is better than nothing at all, it just isn't good enough when i feel like this.
damn it i hate this feeling, i really do. i'm so damn sick of it and i just want it to go away and never come back...but i don't know how to make that happen. the only thing that seems to help is the friendship of a select few people, good hugs, and having someone to cuddle with, which i never do anymore....but even those are only temporary fixes. well, the friendship thing really could be the solution (or at least a huge part of it) with one particular person, but i'm not sure if i'll be able to keep that up or not.
i wish i was okay being alone...
damn it i hate this feeling, i really do. i'm so damn sick of it and i just want it to go away and never come back...but i don't know how to make that happen. the only thing that seems to help is the friendship of a select few people, good hugs, and having someone to cuddle with, which i never do anymore....but even those are only temporary fixes. well, the friendship thing really could be the solution (or at least a huge part of it) with one particular person, but i'm not sure if i'll be able to keep that up or not.
i wish i was okay being alone...