Hmm...Friday the 13th???
So strange that it's Friday the 13th, you know? On this date in 1995, my cousin Shari and several friends were in auto accident that took the life of a childhood friend. Wow...11 year ago. Makes me feel so damn old!
I'm still in the hospital. Today makes three weeks of admittance. THREE WEEKS! That's a long fucking time...and I'm not sure when I'll be able to go back again. See... one of the biggest problems is that my platelet levels are not going up. They are at a pretty dangerously low level, and before the physicians want to continue with any treatment, they'd like to get the platelet levels under control.
Here lies the other problem. When I was getting chemotherapy in San Francisco back in 2003 and 2004, I was basically getting the most powerful chemotherapy known to man. And the residual effects of this chemotherapy include a body that's unable to keep up with the cancer if the cancer comes back. My bone marrow is making plenty of platelets, but my body keep rejecting them and "chewing them up" so to speak. I've had several infusions of platelets, but my count remains dangerously low. We're laying here holding out for a miracle, honestly. Because if my platelet level stays the same or drops anymore, I stand a high chance of hemmorhagging from simple things. I could hemorrhage from any area including my brain without even knowing it until it's too late.
Why am I telling you all this? Because this is real... This is really what's going on with my body. The radiation doctors are preaching RADIATION RADIATION RADIATION! But they finally realizing the complexity of the situation at hand. Radiation would damage the bone marrow making it even more difficult to create the platelets that my body isn't using anyway. Ugh. It's a vicious cycle.
Yesterday, my oncologist came when my father was visiting from Springfield, KY. When he told me the bad news, I didn't cry... I was just upset that there didn't seem to be a "plan B" so-to-speak. I mean, he didn't mention any real options. What he did want to know, however is make sure that all my death-bed and funeral and life support wishes were going to be met if we reach that point in the road. It's a lot to grasp.
I guess something I haven't shared with you guys is that chemotherapy really isn't an option this time around. The own drugs that saved my life 3 years ago might be causing me problems today. And it's not something we can easily cure. There is no cure for Ewing's Sarcoma. Period. There never has been, and there never will be. All we can do is use radiation therapy to try and shrink the tumor to buy me some more time. That's all I really want is time...
I am not trying to write this LJ post to be morbid, but I am trying to inform you Why you haven't heard from me too much, and spending time with my family. They've been great. Maybe I should get sick more often, right? LOL Okay, bad joke.
All I want right now is a plethora of good people sending me good energy...healing energy. I don't know how this is going to end. But there are a few possibilites you'd like. I always will answer. And look, I know this is totally morbid and scary...and it's those things to me, too. But my life has been great. I've done so many things with so many wonderful people. I consider myself truly a lucky guy. I'll be even luckier months down the road given a little more health and a little more luck. I really want to spend more time with my friends and family before it's that time.
I've been working on a few things... trying to sew up lose ends in my life. You know... apologize to those who probably deserve an apology. I've been trying to chat up with a few buds from the past and just say "hey buddy, I love you." Or smething like that. It's starting to work. I feel a big negative energy release from my chest...and I'm glad I can sleep more so now.
So here is a quick summary of what I'm trying to say in this long ass email.
1. Platelet count is seriously low, and so we're gonna work on trying to bring it up more...very risky.
2. Cancer seems to be treatable to some extent. Get into radiation by mid-week next week.
3. Mobility in my right leg should improve when we start radiation next week. I might be waking again in no time.
4. I'm having to plan out some serious things for my future. So be careful when you call or if you call. It's been a really really tough time.
5. Thanks for my family and friends... I would not be here today if it weren't for all you.
Please pray that this situation improves. It's a very difficult time for me and my family, but all I want is more time to live the life I've been given. So pray for more time and quality of life. Please.
I'm still in the hospital. Today makes three weeks of admittance. THREE WEEKS! That's a long fucking time...and I'm not sure when I'll be able to go back again. See... one of the biggest problems is that my platelet levels are not going up. They are at a pretty dangerously low level, and before the physicians want to continue with any treatment, they'd like to get the platelet levels under control.
Here lies the other problem. When I was getting chemotherapy in San Francisco back in 2003 and 2004, I was basically getting the most powerful chemotherapy known to man. And the residual effects of this chemotherapy include a body that's unable to keep up with the cancer if the cancer comes back. My bone marrow is making plenty of platelets, but my body keep rejecting them and "chewing them up" so to speak. I've had several infusions of platelets, but my count remains dangerously low. We're laying here holding out for a miracle, honestly. Because if my platelet level stays the same or drops anymore, I stand a high chance of hemmorhagging from simple things. I could hemorrhage from any area including my brain without even knowing it until it's too late.
Why am I telling you all this? Because this is real... This is really what's going on with my body. The radiation doctors are preaching RADIATION RADIATION RADIATION! But they finally realizing the complexity of the situation at hand. Radiation would damage the bone marrow making it even more difficult to create the platelets that my body isn't using anyway. Ugh. It's a vicious cycle.
Yesterday, my oncologist came when my father was visiting from Springfield, KY. When he told me the bad news, I didn't cry... I was just upset that there didn't seem to be a "plan B" so-to-speak. I mean, he didn't mention any real options. What he did want to know, however is make sure that all my death-bed and funeral and life support wishes were going to be met if we reach that point in the road. It's a lot to grasp.
I guess something I haven't shared with you guys is that chemotherapy really isn't an option this time around. The own drugs that saved my life 3 years ago might be causing me problems today. And it's not something we can easily cure. There is no cure for Ewing's Sarcoma. Period. There never has been, and there never will be. All we can do is use radiation therapy to try and shrink the tumor to buy me some more time. That's all I really want is time...
I am not trying to write this LJ post to be morbid, but I am trying to inform you Why you haven't heard from me too much, and spending time with my family. They've been great. Maybe I should get sick more often, right? LOL Okay, bad joke.
All I want right now is a plethora of good people sending me good energy...healing energy. I don't know how this is going to end. But there are a few possibilites you'd like. I always will answer. And look, I know this is totally morbid and scary...and it's those things to me, too. But my life has been great. I've done so many things with so many wonderful people. I consider myself truly a lucky guy. I'll be even luckier months down the road given a little more health and a little more luck. I really want to spend more time with my friends and family before it's that time.
I've been working on a few things... trying to sew up lose ends in my life. You know... apologize to those who probably deserve an apology. I've been trying to chat up with a few buds from the past and just say "hey buddy, I love you." Or smething like that. It's starting to work. I feel a big negative energy release from my chest...and I'm glad I can sleep more so now.
So here is a quick summary of what I'm trying to say in this long ass email.
1. Platelet count is seriously low, and so we're gonna work on trying to bring it up more...very risky.
2. Cancer seems to be treatable to some extent. Get into radiation by mid-week next week.
3. Mobility in my right leg should improve when we start radiation next week. I might be waking again in no time.
4. I'm having to plan out some serious things for my future. So be careful when you call or if you call. It's been a really really tough time.
5. Thanks for my family and friends... I would not be here today if it weren't for all you.
Please pray that this situation improves. It's a very difficult time for me and my family, but all I want is more time to live the life I've been given. So pray for more time and quality of life. Please.