I feel like I've gone through this enough times in my head and written it out other places that it was time for me to write it in my own journal
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That's understandable. Journals are meant for venting. I suppose I just read some things that would be deal breakers for me. I could not go on with someone who had Problem A, B or C or without having Good Trait 1, 2, or 3. It was a gut reaction, I guess.
As you know, relationships are an investment. However, they should not be something that completely drain you.
I don't know if this is the case or not, but your writing reads like you take things very personally. I should know, I take things personally, too. To a fault. It can be hard when you're beating yourself up a lot, and that makes it easier to zoom in on things that other people do that could be seen as something done intentionally to harm you. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
The thing to keep in mind is that not every action by another person is directly related to you. It takes a bit of time and getting to know and respect yourself to understand that. I still have days where I am down in the dumps and beat myself up for not being the perfect version of myself. But I also have amazing days where I shine and surprise myself.
Of course you have a problem with your fiancees addiction. He has an addiction which will take treatment and desire on his part to change. Slip ups may happen, but there needs to be a commitment to change. I know you know all of this.
You are another part of the equation. it sounds like you beat yourself up for not being these women you think he is interested in. This is not about you. He is like an alcoholic. Alcoholics don't drink to make their partners mad or to intentionally miss work. They drink because of the illness. They drink because they can't stop. He watches not to make you mad or compare you, but because he's addicted.
If you're not terribly tired of thinking about all of this, I can recommend a few threads on AskMetafilter with people dealing with this same problem.
Kicking the internet porn habit (this comment and the one after it seems spot on - it is not the porn perse, but how the person acts and treats you that is the problem)
Help with filtering software (again, the comments here that deal with the issue rather tha the solution (filtering) may sound familiar to you)
BTW I came across your post in outapartments. I read some posts and got caught up in the ups and downs of your life. Congrats on being engaged. I hope that you can work through whatever problems arise and become stronger because of it. You probably hate hearing this, but you're so young! I would hate for you to go through so much pain if it couldn't be fixed by being with a different person. Of course other people have problems, too, it's just a matter of knowing what you want to deal with versus what you don't want to deal with.
I hope this didn't bring you down, I just felt an urge to talk to you.
As you know, relationships are an investment. However, they should not be something that completely drain you.
I don't know if this is the case or not, but your writing reads like you take things very personally. I should know, I take things personally, too. To a fault. It can be hard when you're beating yourself up a lot, and that makes it easier to zoom in on things that other people do that could be seen as something done intentionally to harm you. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
The thing to keep in mind is that not every action by another person is directly related to you. It takes a bit of time and getting to know and respect yourself to understand that. I still have days where I am down in the dumps and beat myself up for not being the perfect version of myself. But I also have amazing days where I shine and surprise myself.
Of course you have a problem with your fiancees addiction. He has an addiction which will take treatment and desire on his part to change. Slip ups may happen, but there needs to be a commitment to change. I know you know all of this.
You are another part of the equation. it sounds like you beat yourself up for not being these women you think he is interested in. This is not about you. He is like an alcoholic. Alcoholics don't drink to make their partners mad or to intentionally miss work. They drink because of the illness. They drink because they can't stop. He watches not to make you mad or compare you, but because he's addicted.
If you're not terribly tired of thinking about all of this, I can recommend a few threads on AskMetafilter with people dealing with this same problem.
BTW I came across your post in outapartments. I read some posts and got caught up in the ups and downs of your life. Congrats on being engaged. I hope that you can work through whatever problems arise and become stronger because of it. You probably hate hearing this, but you're so young! I would hate for you to go through so much pain if it couldn't be fixed by being with a different person. Of course other people have problems, too, it's just a matter of knowing what you want to deal with versus what you don't want to deal with.
I hope this didn't bring you down, I just felt an urge to talk to you.
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