New Updates Spring 2010: I have a lot on my mind
It’s probably time to update my journal. It’s been awhile since. I haven’t had time to write. Since last semester, all I can think of is school work, getting a new job and stabilizing my income and my apartment. So far it’s been great. I feel really grateful that I’m no longer living with my parents. Although there are so many adjustments in my part, I would rather have my own place than bare them situation at home. It’s always the same. In my opinion, it will never change. My sisters, my parents and just the home life in general are getting old. No offence to them, but I really don’t want to spend the New Years with them this year. I decided to spend it with some friends. I know it’s too early to plan those events, but that’s what I want to do. There are so many things that I want to include in my new updates, but I don’t know if I will have the time to include everything in here.
2010 is looking very promising to me. My grades are not the best but I’m working really hard to improve those. I have two months left before summer. Honestly, it’s a pressure. Its either I make it or break it and going home for the summer is not an option. I was looking for jobs and all but so far, I’ve only been invited to a couple of job interviews. Well, job interviews are better than not getting any response right?
Right now, I’m just working on my piles of homework’s and projects that are due for the next coming weeks. I plan to stay here on campus for my spring break and not go home. As you can see, if you read my journal entries in the past, every time I go home, I just end up feeling depressed. I’m better off spending the whole break catching up on homework than waste my time at my parents place. Hey, it’s not that bad like it used to be. I and my mom are getting along. Although I have a few complaints about some of my family members. First, they did not call me on my birthday. That really irritates me. Only my mom and my other sister called me, but the rest decide to forget it. Another complain I have is with my second sister. But I was to blame for this one. I used to have enough money to last me for the whole semester but I allowed myself to loan her some money. Now she owes me and she does not have a job to pay it and I’m broke. It’s my entire fault. She needed the money to pay for her tuition fee. Its due and the collection agency just called her recently. The last complain I have regarding my family, well, I think; I was the one to blame for this one as well. I used up all the money or at least almost all of it to help my sister and to pay for the phone bill. I was in Washington when I paid my families entire phone bill. I had to call them and coordinate a time for them to pick me up from the airport, so that’s my money right there.
Washington seminar was so much fun. I did not have enough time to write so many things in here, but just to give you a brief overview. It was a week of stressful activities. I had to work all day and party all night. So how does that sound? I went to different congressmen and senators from Illinois and lobbied a number of issues associated with people who are blind and visually impaired. It was so challenging. I had to act very professional. Professionalism from the way I dress to the way I speak and present myself. It was nerve wrecking especially on the first day. I was stuttering I think and I was kind of uncomfortable talking about the issues but the second day was less stressful. I think the second day I was able to really get the hang of icings. The issues that we lobbied were regarding social security benefits, pedestrian safety and accessible appliances. Apart from the work it was fantastic. Met so many people my age and I was at bar almost every day. I think the people there already know who I am and the group I hang out with. It was hilarious; I thought I was going to have a hangover Tuesday night. I was paranoid out of my mind. I was drinking more than I’m supposed to and I had to wake up early the following day and do some appointments with the senators. Oh it was close, thank God; I woke up on time and went there more prepared and confident. I think the hangover made it easier for me to relax. Smiles. No, I was not fooling around. I was just having fun the day before but when it was time to be professional, I was on track. What about Tuesday night. It was the first time I got totally bubbly. Smiley face. I had three drinks and I was bouncing off the walls. I created my own song and I was clapping to the beats. Everyone in my table enjoyed themselves. It was crazy! It’s good to have drunk ones in awhile. So that’s the last time I got drunk. I’m planning to save the next time over the summer. Laughs, the seminar was awesome. I won a Daisy book reader from the raffle. It’s a device that reads audio books. It’s really expensive. Wow, just my luck.
My birthday went really well. My friends kept on throwing surprises for me. It was the best birthday ever. They went to my place, cook an Asian style dinner. You know stir fry vegetable and chicken. The dessert was the best. They made lemon squares for me. They know that lemon squares are my favorite cake, so they made a large square for all of us. It was good times. Other than my friends surprise, I bought myself a digital camera and a new shoes from Aerosols. That is my favorite shoe store. They were on sale when I went to Chicago, so I bought one. At that time, I had enough money, but now I’m saving this until the semester ends. I’m not planning to refill my grocery list. Hey, I can live off of cup noodles and cafeteria food in exchange for new shoes. I know I’m a bit out there. Laughs, I’m trying to change my shopping habits but I don’t know if I can.
By the way, my x called on my birthday. I don’t know what to think of it. He asked me if we can be more than friends but I rejected him. I told him it’s not the end of everything, I’m not yet married, his not yet married. He responded by saying that if I found someone and got married; he will just have to find someone else. What the hell? After all the cheating and lying, why would he mention about relationships, getting back with me and marriage? What is wrong with him? It would have been okay if just greeted my happy birthday but no, he had to bring up the past. He said, “babe, threes one thing I’m proud of, I never cheated on you.” So how am I supposed to believe him when I heard the story from five people? What the fuck is wrong with the world today? Sorry for swearing I’m just pissed. I don’t want to bother with the past. I want to move forward and create new memories with someone new. I don’t want to repeat our mistakes and relieve the past with him. I have no doubts that me and him can work out if it’s not long distance, but neither of us wants to move. Plus I don’t know if I can trust him again. After everything he put me through, I can’t believe it. When we were talking, he didn’t even know what happened last year? All of it or at least, most of it was his fault and he doesn’t know what happened to me? What a jerk. Sometimes I wish he just forgot about me. I was telling him, “I you probably don’t think about me anymore.” And he replied, “So why did I call you on your birthday? Sometimes I wish, he never bothered with me because it’s easier to forget him that way.
By the way, my friend Carmen past away. It was very devastating because I treated her like my grandmother and I called her every time I needed an adult advice. Now, she’s gone. I don’t know what to make of things. She was one of the few people who believed in me. I’ll never meet anyone like her. She is very vivacious and she was willing to help everyone. She is very selfless and she would always have something good to say about everyone. She is an inspiration to me and to a lot of people. She died from a massive stroke. She was okay two days before she had her stroke and I was talking to her. I tell her everything. She was sort of like my parent because I don’t mind telling her my schedule and where I’m going and my weekly plans. She always motivated me to move forward and was always encouraging to me. I feel so hurt when I found out that she passed away. I can’t stop crying. It was very heart breaking. I think, in this entire year that is the saddest moment I ever had. Hopefully, no one will pass away. Or at least not this year. Carmen is very special to me. She taught me how it is to be strong and self sufficient. She always found ways to cheer me up every time I talk about my parents. I’ll never have enough words to explain how much this person changed my life. She made it easier for me to accept my visual impairment. Honestly, I’m not there yet, but I’m trying little by little to use my cane and be comfortable with it. I know it takes time, but I’ll accept my impairment. Carmen always saw the best in everyone. In all the people I’ve known in my entire life, she was the only one who has faith in me and even though I was not her granddaughter, she loved me unconditionally. I have lots of good memories with her. She bought me breakfast in exchange of me pushing her wheel chair around the hall. This happened back in the state convention. She also gave me some money to buy myself a drink in exchange for selling two boxes of chocolate. This happened back during the national convention. She was the first person who got me really drunk. She gave me three glasses of vodka and mountain dew. I was totally wasted. Everyone was joking me on how much I beat her up and caused some bruised. No, they were just joking. I did not give her some bruises. Laughs, those were the good times. She gave me those drinks because we were celebrating back in 2008 when I won a scholarship from Blind services. I can only live in memories. It’s really painful because when I was having problems with my parents, she was there to talk to me and deal with my complains. She was very patient with me and she would give me different places as a suggestion because before, I was really planning to move out from home. Now that I got settled in my apartment and my life is starting to cheer up, she dies. Sometimes, I don’t understand the world. Why did she pass away? No matter how hard I try to hide it, it’s really bothering me. She’s been a really good friend to me. I don’t know what I’ll do without her. She is one of the most genuine people I know in my entire life. It will be very hard to move on.
As far as my major, I was near of changing it, but I decided to stick with it. If I want to, I can graduate next year but that’s not the major I want. My major is really driving me crazy. It’s so demanding. I found out from a friend that the teachers nitpick every small flaw you have when you’re doing your practicum. It’s much harder than student teaching because someone is watching you. I recently observed at Illinois school for the blind and visually impaired. It was not what I expected. I was too complacent when I mint the students. They were in their late teens. And we all got along. One of the teachers there confronted me because she got so irritated on how I did things. I accidentally and not intentionally asked the students, “So what do I write here, the student that I’m observing decides to not go to class?” she approached me and asked me to go to the office with her. She said, “There are a lot of things that you should have asked me instead of asking the students. I feel so disrespected because you knew that I know the answers to your questions and you still went to the students. You know they don’t know what to write on your observation.” She said I was out of line and that I was not professional. I was being reckless with my behavior because instead of acting professionally while observing, I end up interacting with the students. I felt kind of bitter, because she doesn’t even know me to confront me but I think I would rather take her honesty than make a fool out of myself the next time I observe. It was constructive criticism but it was so hard to accept. She told me to get training in Firewood. It’s a center that helps people with visual impairments. Okay, probably because she saw me writing really near the paper, not using a cane, not paying attention and not using appropriate strategies for getting my information. I don’t know exactly why she said what she said; all I know is that she does have some point. I want to get some training in using a cane and cooking and all that Braille and technology but I don’t know when. My time is limited and I want to graduate in college as soon as possible. The more I prolong, the more I pay. If I graduate later, I would have to pay for my loans more. Hopefully not. That observation really made me think about the program. It’s so challenging. Recently, I found out that one of the students in my program who is blind got kicked out just because he did not want to work with the supervisors of our program. It was sad and discouraging especially in my part. Another thing I found out is that my friend, who is also in the program and is also low vision like me is sort of going through the same thing. The supervisors told him that he should rethink the program and that they don’t know if he can move to field base. Field base is what you do before student teaching. So he has one year left before graduating. He got held back because of the little things he did while he was helping a low vision student. The teacher told him, “How are you supposed to help a student with visual disabilities if you don’t even know how to accommodate for yourself.” He was also having a hard time looking at the blackboard. So it was a bit difficult for him to handle surprise topics that the teacher didn’t tell him ahead of time before he started working with the student. Those examples, really threw me off guard. I feel like I’m going to fail my practicum and not move onto student teaching. I don’t know what to think of it. This is the major that I’ve wanted to graduate with for a very long time. If I don’t make it, I’ll be really upset. And besides, I don’t want to settle for an alternative major just to graduate. That’s very lame and a big waste of money. I just have a lot on my mind right now.
Why am I writing right now? Just cause I felt like it. I just got done with midterms and spring break is next week. I just want to take my mind from thinking about something’s that’s why I’m writing it here. I broke it off with the person I was dating since October. It’s really not working out. I like him a lot and I love him too, but it’s not the same as the way he feels about me. He told me that he was in love with me and that he would do everything to make it work, but I’m not in the same page with what he wants. I love him but I’m not in love with him. I care about him a lot so that’s the reason I pushed him away. I told him not to bother with me. It was very blunt and hurtful but I would rather be honest with him than lead him on. He was talking about the future while me; on the other hand, I just want to focus on my present. I don’t want to be selfish and let him think that we can be in the future, so I decided to let him go. Now, he thinks I’m a horrible person. I just want to write it all here. I don’t want bad intensions for breaking it off. I still want to be friends with him but since he cannot see me as a friend, I think we’re better off this way. At least, I’m no longer hurting him. I told him that I just want to be single so that I can concentrate on my studies and on myself but he wouldn’t believe me. He thinks that I like someone else, but that’s not the ace. I’m not interested in any guy right now. I just want to take care of this semester, look for a summer job and stabilize my apartment condition. I have lots of things to fix concerning my major. I have to retake the basic skills test and I have to take summer classes so that I can graduate faster. But I guess out of his anger, he’ll never understand my intentions. I don’t want to make him hope for nothing and lead him on to think that threes a chance for us to work things out. He kept blaming on my x. it’s not my x. I just want to be single and figure things out for myself. Why is it hard for people to understand the concept of having alone time? I don’t get it.
By the way, I recently got my first technology evaluation. If everything goes my way, I will get a victor stream, kurzweil 1000, and jaws. Well, I want a CCTV but I already got one. Someone donated gave it to me. So I don’t know hopefully, they consider giving me those gadgets. It will really help my school work. It will lessen my time.
As far as summer plans go, I was planning to go to the National convention in Texas and volunteer at the Junior Science Academy. But I’m not sure if I’ll get admitted to the program. I was thinking of applying for some scholarships, but my grades from last semester are not good enough. I’m trying to improve my GPA, but it’s so hard. Well, hopefully my life turns into a better direction.