[RP] It's cold and lonely in the deep dark night...
(Co-written with lieu_murphy. Set in Bark at the Moon.)
He didn't know what came over him, but the walls of Bobby's house were closing in on him. The smells, the silence...it was all killing him. He needed to get out. He needed to get some air.
He needed Murphy.
The name on Harry's brain made him ache. Murphy had been his best friend for as long as he could remember. She'd always been a pain in his ass, but she'd also always taken care of him. There had always been the pack, but Murphy had been his family. The only family he had anymore. And he hadn't seen her in years. Not since the night she turned him away, made him leave. He needed to see her. That would clear his head. It would tell him what the hell to do next.
There weren't many more thoughts past that, before he was out the door of Bobby's house and taking off through the woods. He was headed to the one place he swore he wouldn't return, and he had no idea what to do when he got there. Heather's face burned against his heart, but he knew he wasn't going to see her. He couldn't go anywhere near her. He just wanted to see Murphy, and find some reason to keep going.
Murphy was patrolling the park when she caught a familiar scent. She had to stop for a second and lift her nose into the wind just to make sure. It couldn't be. She had told him he couldn't come back. He had promised. She radioed the station to tell them she was going to help some tourists set up their camp and then took off. If the pack found him in their territory, they would kill him, they would know she hadn't killed him and damn it that was just too much trouble. She didn't need this, damn it.
But, there was a small part of her that was excited. She couldn't just forget all the years they had spent together, how he was her best friend. These years hadn't been all that bad but something was missing. He was missing and she wanted to see him, she really did.
She stopped in a clearing, breathing hard and looked around. "Harry? Harry, where are you? I can smell you, come out. Now."
He had smelled her coming and dodged behind a bush to wait. As soon as she stopped and spoke, he exhaled. He climbed to his feet and found himself looking at her back. "Murphy.."
"What are you doing here? Are you suicidal?" she demanded, advancing on him. "If Kirmani and Morgan even catch a hint of your scent they'll hunt you down!"
"You're the only one that can sense me this far off," he said quietly, looking down to his feet. He knew he shouldn't be there, she didn't have to tell him.
"That doesn't answer my question. Why are you here?" So, he was right about that but it didn't mean she wanted him to be close enough to smell. Someone else might and it worried her. She didn't like to be worried.
"I'm not here for her," he answered, before she could ask it.
"Good, because she's happy and seeing you wouldn't help her stay that way." She shouldn't be so cold, but she had to be to make sure he stayed away.
"I know," he snapped, looking up at her with a glare. He seethed for a moment before relaxing just a bit, breathing some of it out. "I mean...I don't know. Hell, I don't wanna know, but..." He looked into her eyes, his own so lost and lonely. "Her bein' happy is the only reason I've stayed away," he whispered. That and...being alive.
"Then you have to go," she said, almost desperate. She couldn't have him die, she couldn't have him get killed. "Please, Harry. Please."
"Murphy.."
She looked away, sighing. "You can't just... walk back like this Harry. Not just because of Heather."
"I'm not back...I'm just...here."
"Oh yeah, here that makes it okay."
There may have been a slight whimper, only slight, as he took a step back. "I...no. You're right. I'll go."
God, she hated that sound. Back before, she wouldn't have resisted comforting him. "What the hell happened to everything? Why did it have to get so screwed up?"
Everything had been great before he bit Heather, before she had to throw him out and he just vanished from her life. Okay, so he fought with Morgan and Kirmani on more that one occasion and things were tense sometimes, but she had her friend as part of her pack. It was great. She was happy. She missed that feeling.
"I'm sorry." He shook his head and moved back down towards the bushes. The ground was dark and inviting. He knew he had screwed it all up. He had known then not to go near Heather. He had known it was wrong, but he hadn't been able to stay away. Then he fell for her and something in his mind convinced him that he could make it all work out. That he could have her and the pack. He had been wrong, and that's where everything had fallen apart.
"Yeah, we all are." She didn't want him to go, she didn't want to lose her friend again. It was hard enough the first time. "Have you taken care of yourself? No hunters, right?"
He sat on the ground, his arms wrapping around his legs. "One hunter, but he isn't bad."
"Wait, you're staying with a hunter?" She stared at him. "... are you insane?"
Harry shook his head. "Demon hunter. He has no interest in us."
"Oh well, that makes me feel better," she said sarcastically.
"He's a decent guy. Helped me take care of a young girl who had the nasty kinda hunter after her."
"And the nasty hunter, they're dead?" She wanted to make sure that nasty hunter wasn't going to come after her pack next.
"Yeah, I took care of 'im. Not before he hurt the girl..." He leaned against the bushes, still feeling guilty that she'd gotten hurt at all.
"Good." She was glad the hunter was dead. They were bastards. She sighed. "You could... call for help if you need it."
"Call who?" He looked up at her. He knew he couldn't call her. He couldn't risk putting her in that kind of trouble.
"Call the Park's Department here, tell them you need to speak to me. They'll put you in touch." If it went through work, she could possibly avoid trouble with the pack.
He nodded. Not that he would. He wouldn't bother her once he left tonight.
She was quiet for a moment, then lowered her eyes. "I... I've missed you. Sort of... worried you might be dead."
He looked at his feet, only nodding still. He had felt dead at times, wished he was at others.
"Can you just let me know you're okay every now and then? Please?"
"You told me I had to get lost, Murph. You said I had to be dead."
"Dead to the rest of the pack!" She took a deep breath and ran her hand through her hair. "I didn't want you to be dead to me."
"You don't know what it's like to be alone out there," he said calmly. He wasn't trying to argue with her, because his being alone wasn't her fault. It was his.
"I know what it's like without you," she sighed. "It sucks. All these responsibility, all these desicions. I've got not where to go when I just want to be myself."
He looked up at her again and sighed, then moved over a bit. "Sit down," he told her.
She hesitated for a second, but sat down on the ground, folding her legs under her. Once seated she started picking at the grass, looking for something to do with her hands.
Harry watched her hands for a bit, then he tilted his head and looked at her face. "I miss this."
"This?" She tilted her head, not sure what he was getting at.
"You."
She looked down, snorting. "Yeah, all the yelling and being bossy. I'm sure it's a terrible loss."
"Never really knew how to live without all of it," he shrugged.
She smiled for a brief moment before it went away. "I... don't really know what to do without you. Sometimes."
"Knock someone else around?"
"You know it's not the same."
"You could take off with me," he said after a beat or two. "Explore the world, just Harry and Murphy."
"I have Anna." And while she could probably leave the rest of the pack she could never leave her daughter.
He frowned slightly. "Anna?"
Right, he'd been gone. She sighed. "I have a pup, Harry."
His eyes softened on her, but he didn't quite smile. Conflicting emotions ran through him at that, but he wasn't really sure how to separate them enough to sort them out. Mostly he was hearing that she had a pup and he had missed it all. He'd never imagined he'd miss out on Murphy's life, and here, after ten years, he was finally realizing just how much he was missing out on. "You do?"
"Yeah." And it wasn't something she really liked to talk about. She loved Anna, but wolves didn't usually have just one pup. Just her. "So, I can't leave."
"What's she like?" He didn't care how things were supposed to be, he wanted to know more about Anna.
"Um, well, she's really bright. She likes to read, likes to draw." Murphy smiled, she had to when talking about her daughter. "She's just... a great kid."
"She pretty?"
"She's beautiful."
"Who'd you...y'know."
"Who's her dad?" She gave a wry smile. "A guy I met. Sort of a one time thing."
"He decent?"
She sighed. "He was gone before Anna was born. I've made some... mistakes since you left."
His hand dropped over hers and he snorted. "Wanna compare notes?"
She chuckled a bit. "Thanks, but I'd rather you didn't see how much I fail as alpha wolf."
It felt good being near her again. It felt more like home than anywhere with the pack could feel. The memories of their puphood came to him, and soon he was curling up on his side, his head resting against her thigh. He was so tired. He had been tired for years. And for the first time in ten years he felt safe enough to close his eyes. "You don't," he said quietly.
She ached suddenly. She wanted to go back to their puphood, curl up with him and just forget all the responsibilities, all the loneliness. She had missed him deeper than she had ever realized. "I do," she said softly, running her fingers through his hair gently. "I'm keeping things together, but sometimes it feels like I should just turn things over to Morgan and step down. I'm so tired all the time."
"Don't," he said shortly. "They need you."
"People think that a pack, it's all about the alpha's needs but the alpha gives everything." She sighed again. "And I can't walk away."
"I know."
"I wish you could stay," she said softly, almost whispering.
"I..." He almost said he did, too, but he didn't want to go near the rest of the pack. He just wanted to stay right there. "I know," he said instead.
No, he couldn't go near the rest of the pack or he'd be killed. She sighed. "Saying goodbye again is going to kill me."
"Go to sleep," he said. "Just rest with me." He'd leave while she was asleep, that'd be better.
Murphy pushed him onto his back and laid her head on his stomach. "I shouldn't. I'm supposed to be working."
His hand came up to her head and his free arm wrapped under his head. "Remember when we used to try to count the stars?"
"Only you had the patience for that." But she smiled as she remembered.
He chuckled. "Yeah, you would get impatient and huffy, wanting to go play."
"Hey, there's nothing wrong with play." She poked him in the side. "It's fun."
"Never said it wasn't," he said, squirming a bit.
"Good, because then I'd have to show you how fun fun is."
"I don't have that kinda energy anymore. I'm an old dog."
She chuckled. "We're both old dogs now. Who knew we'd make it?"
"You've done good," he nodded.
"Could be better."
"You've got all this, I'd say that's pretty good."
"I don't have my best friend."
"He isn't around anymore."
She shifted closer to Harry, an instinct. "I miss him like hell."
He tightened his arm around her and ducked his head to the top of hers. "Me too."
"Do you have to go so far?" she asked quietly. "There are plenty of small towns that'll have plenty of woods for you to run in and you don't have to go so far."
"Yeah, and they figure out I'm still alive they'll kill me. Then what do you think they'll do about you, knowin' you didn't kill me? That you've been hiding me?"
"They'll either run me out of the pack or kill me." She would still risk it for him, just to have someone close again.
"It's not worth it. I can't be here, we both know it."
"I know." And she hated it.
He went quiet, not sure what else he could say on the matter.
She really wanted to be mad at him, to yell at him for coming back when it was stupid and risky and painful but she just couldn't. She nuzzled her cheek against Harry's chest instead, like she did when they were pups.
He was already starting to drift off himself. He brushed her back slowly. "Is she okay?"
"She's happy."
That hurt. A lot. It's what he wanted, sure, but that didn't stop it from hurting. "Good," he whispered.
She wasn't going to tell Harry about Sam and how he was making Heather happy. None of it needed to be said. "Yeah."
"Does...does she..." He paused. He wanted to know if she hated him, or was angry, but he also didn't want to know. He didn't know if he wanted to know. Maybe she didn't think about him at all. Maybe that would be better.
Murphy sat up and looked down at him, "Why does she still matter? Because of your stupid decision to try and be with her you lost everything. It's been years, how can she still matter?"
He pulled back and looked at her. "Because. Because my stupid decision, over her, put me where I am today. Because I let my feelings for her change my entire life. I thought she...I thought I had something, and now I've got nothing." He shook his head and ran his hand through his hair.
"You did." And he couldn't ever have it again. "You should forget about her."
"I know," he said, snapping slightly. "It's just one of the few things I have to think about." He didn't intend on going anywhere near her again, but he couldn't completely forget the reason he wasn't home anymore.
"What are you doing to yourself, Harry? Ever since you folks..." She stopped. Asking about Harry's parents was just not the way to go about this.
"It's not about them," he said shortly. "What am I supposed to do? Go bouncing off merrily on my own?"
"There's got to be a way for you to be happy."
"I'm keepin' myself busy."
"But you still needed to come here."
"I needed to see you."
"Well, you've seen me. Maybe you should go now." She looked away, the words were difficult to say.
His head dropped and he studied the ground as he got to his feet. "Okay," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. He slowly wiped his palms against his legs.
She crossed her arms tightly over her chest to keep from reaching out. He had to go and she had to let him. They didn't have a choice, either of them. "Take care of yourself, Harry."
He knew why she was being cold, but he didn't have to like it. He was burning inside. He'd said goodbye to her once, that hauntingly emotional night that she made him leave, and he couldn't do it again. "Nice night out," he mused quietly. He started to walk, before quickly dropping on all fours and running off through the woods. He didn't want her to see him falling apart.
She heard him running, felt his scent getting weaker and weaker. There was only so much she could take. In a second she turned to her wolf form and threw her head back, howling a long, lonely sound in the night.
He didn't know what came over him, but the walls of Bobby's house were closing in on him. The smells, the silence...it was all killing him. He needed to get out. He needed to get some air.
He needed Murphy.
The name on Harry's brain made him ache. Murphy had been his best friend for as long as he could remember. She'd always been a pain in his ass, but she'd also always taken care of him. There had always been the pack, but Murphy had been his family. The only family he had anymore. And he hadn't seen her in years. Not since the night she turned him away, made him leave. He needed to see her. That would clear his head. It would tell him what the hell to do next.
There weren't many more thoughts past that, before he was out the door of Bobby's house and taking off through the woods. He was headed to the one place he swore he wouldn't return, and he had no idea what to do when he got there. Heather's face burned against his heart, but he knew he wasn't going to see her. He couldn't go anywhere near her. He just wanted to see Murphy, and find some reason to keep going.
Murphy was patrolling the park when she caught a familiar scent. She had to stop for a second and lift her nose into the wind just to make sure. It couldn't be. She had told him he couldn't come back. He had promised. She radioed the station to tell them she was going to help some tourists set up their camp and then took off. If the pack found him in their territory, they would kill him, they would know she hadn't killed him and damn it that was just too much trouble. She didn't need this, damn it.
But, there was a small part of her that was excited. She couldn't just forget all the years they had spent together, how he was her best friend. These years hadn't been all that bad but something was missing. He was missing and she wanted to see him, she really did.
She stopped in a clearing, breathing hard and looked around. "Harry? Harry, where are you? I can smell you, come out. Now."
He had smelled her coming and dodged behind a bush to wait. As soon as she stopped and spoke, he exhaled. He climbed to his feet and found himself looking at her back. "Murphy.."
"What are you doing here? Are you suicidal?" she demanded, advancing on him. "If Kirmani and Morgan even catch a hint of your scent they'll hunt you down!"
"You're the only one that can sense me this far off," he said quietly, looking down to his feet. He knew he shouldn't be there, she didn't have to tell him.
"That doesn't answer my question. Why are you here?" So, he was right about that but it didn't mean she wanted him to be close enough to smell. Someone else might and it worried her. She didn't like to be worried.
"I'm not here for her," he answered, before she could ask it.
"Good, because she's happy and seeing you wouldn't help her stay that way." She shouldn't be so cold, but she had to be to make sure he stayed away.
"I know," he snapped, looking up at her with a glare. He seethed for a moment before relaxing just a bit, breathing some of it out. "I mean...I don't know. Hell, I don't wanna know, but..." He looked into her eyes, his own so lost and lonely. "Her bein' happy is the only reason I've stayed away," he whispered. That and...being alive.
"Then you have to go," she said, almost desperate. She couldn't have him die, she couldn't have him get killed. "Please, Harry. Please."
"Murphy.."
She looked away, sighing. "You can't just... walk back like this Harry. Not just because of Heather."
"I'm not back...I'm just...here."
"Oh yeah, here that makes it okay."
There may have been a slight whimper, only slight, as he took a step back. "I...no. You're right. I'll go."
God, she hated that sound. Back before, she wouldn't have resisted comforting him. "What the hell happened to everything? Why did it have to get so screwed up?"
Everything had been great before he bit Heather, before she had to throw him out and he just vanished from her life. Okay, so he fought with Morgan and Kirmani on more that one occasion and things were tense sometimes, but she had her friend as part of her pack. It was great. She was happy. She missed that feeling.
"I'm sorry." He shook his head and moved back down towards the bushes. The ground was dark and inviting. He knew he had screwed it all up. He had known then not to go near Heather. He had known it was wrong, but he hadn't been able to stay away. Then he fell for her and something in his mind convinced him that he could make it all work out. That he could have her and the pack. He had been wrong, and that's where everything had fallen apart.
"Yeah, we all are." She didn't want him to go, she didn't want to lose her friend again. It was hard enough the first time. "Have you taken care of yourself? No hunters, right?"
He sat on the ground, his arms wrapping around his legs. "One hunter, but he isn't bad."
"Wait, you're staying with a hunter?" She stared at him. "... are you insane?"
Harry shook his head. "Demon hunter. He has no interest in us."
"Oh well, that makes me feel better," she said sarcastically.
"He's a decent guy. Helped me take care of a young girl who had the nasty kinda hunter after her."
"And the nasty hunter, they're dead?" She wanted to make sure that nasty hunter wasn't going to come after her pack next.
"Yeah, I took care of 'im. Not before he hurt the girl..." He leaned against the bushes, still feeling guilty that she'd gotten hurt at all.
"Good." She was glad the hunter was dead. They were bastards. She sighed. "You could... call for help if you need it."
"Call who?" He looked up at her. He knew he couldn't call her. He couldn't risk putting her in that kind of trouble.
"Call the Park's Department here, tell them you need to speak to me. They'll put you in touch." If it went through work, she could possibly avoid trouble with the pack.
He nodded. Not that he would. He wouldn't bother her once he left tonight.
She was quiet for a moment, then lowered her eyes. "I... I've missed you. Sort of... worried you might be dead."
He looked at his feet, only nodding still. He had felt dead at times, wished he was at others.
"Can you just let me know you're okay every now and then? Please?"
"You told me I had to get lost, Murph. You said I had to be dead."
"Dead to the rest of the pack!" She took a deep breath and ran her hand through her hair. "I didn't want you to be dead to me."
"You don't know what it's like to be alone out there," he said calmly. He wasn't trying to argue with her, because his being alone wasn't her fault. It was his.
"I know what it's like without you," she sighed. "It sucks. All these responsibility, all these desicions. I've got not where to go when I just want to be myself."
He looked up at her again and sighed, then moved over a bit. "Sit down," he told her.
She hesitated for a second, but sat down on the ground, folding her legs under her. Once seated she started picking at the grass, looking for something to do with her hands.
Harry watched her hands for a bit, then he tilted his head and looked at her face. "I miss this."
"This?" She tilted her head, not sure what he was getting at.
"You."
She looked down, snorting. "Yeah, all the yelling and being bossy. I'm sure it's a terrible loss."
"Never really knew how to live without all of it," he shrugged.
She smiled for a brief moment before it went away. "I... don't really know what to do without you. Sometimes."
"Knock someone else around?"
"You know it's not the same."
"You could take off with me," he said after a beat or two. "Explore the world, just Harry and Murphy."
"I have Anna." And while she could probably leave the rest of the pack she could never leave her daughter.
He frowned slightly. "Anna?"
Right, he'd been gone. She sighed. "I have a pup, Harry."
His eyes softened on her, but he didn't quite smile. Conflicting emotions ran through him at that, but he wasn't really sure how to separate them enough to sort them out. Mostly he was hearing that she had a pup and he had missed it all. He'd never imagined he'd miss out on Murphy's life, and here, after ten years, he was finally realizing just how much he was missing out on. "You do?"
"Yeah." And it wasn't something she really liked to talk about. She loved Anna, but wolves didn't usually have just one pup. Just her. "So, I can't leave."
"What's she like?" He didn't care how things were supposed to be, he wanted to know more about Anna.
"Um, well, she's really bright. She likes to read, likes to draw." Murphy smiled, she had to when talking about her daughter. "She's just... a great kid."
"She pretty?"
"She's beautiful."
"Who'd you...y'know."
"Who's her dad?" She gave a wry smile. "A guy I met. Sort of a one time thing."
"He decent?"
She sighed. "He was gone before Anna was born. I've made some... mistakes since you left."
His hand dropped over hers and he snorted. "Wanna compare notes?"
She chuckled a bit. "Thanks, but I'd rather you didn't see how much I fail as alpha wolf."
It felt good being near her again. It felt more like home than anywhere with the pack could feel. The memories of their puphood came to him, and soon he was curling up on his side, his head resting against her thigh. He was so tired. He had been tired for years. And for the first time in ten years he felt safe enough to close his eyes. "You don't," he said quietly.
She ached suddenly. She wanted to go back to their puphood, curl up with him and just forget all the responsibilities, all the loneliness. She had missed him deeper than she had ever realized. "I do," she said softly, running her fingers through his hair gently. "I'm keeping things together, but sometimes it feels like I should just turn things over to Morgan and step down. I'm so tired all the time."
"Don't," he said shortly. "They need you."
"People think that a pack, it's all about the alpha's needs but the alpha gives everything." She sighed again. "And I can't walk away."
"I know."
"I wish you could stay," she said softly, almost whispering.
"I..." He almost said he did, too, but he didn't want to go near the rest of the pack. He just wanted to stay right there. "I know," he said instead.
No, he couldn't go near the rest of the pack or he'd be killed. She sighed. "Saying goodbye again is going to kill me."
"Go to sleep," he said. "Just rest with me." He'd leave while she was asleep, that'd be better.
Murphy pushed him onto his back and laid her head on his stomach. "I shouldn't. I'm supposed to be working."
His hand came up to her head and his free arm wrapped under his head. "Remember when we used to try to count the stars?"
"Only you had the patience for that." But she smiled as she remembered.
He chuckled. "Yeah, you would get impatient and huffy, wanting to go play."
"Hey, there's nothing wrong with play." She poked him in the side. "It's fun."
"Never said it wasn't," he said, squirming a bit.
"Good, because then I'd have to show you how fun fun is."
"I don't have that kinda energy anymore. I'm an old dog."
She chuckled. "We're both old dogs now. Who knew we'd make it?"
"You've done good," he nodded.
"Could be better."
"You've got all this, I'd say that's pretty good."
"I don't have my best friend."
"He isn't around anymore."
She shifted closer to Harry, an instinct. "I miss him like hell."
He tightened his arm around her and ducked his head to the top of hers. "Me too."
"Do you have to go so far?" she asked quietly. "There are plenty of small towns that'll have plenty of woods for you to run in and you don't have to go so far."
"Yeah, and they figure out I'm still alive they'll kill me. Then what do you think they'll do about you, knowin' you didn't kill me? That you've been hiding me?"
"They'll either run me out of the pack or kill me." She would still risk it for him, just to have someone close again.
"It's not worth it. I can't be here, we both know it."
"I know." And she hated it.
He went quiet, not sure what else he could say on the matter.
She really wanted to be mad at him, to yell at him for coming back when it was stupid and risky and painful but she just couldn't. She nuzzled her cheek against Harry's chest instead, like she did when they were pups.
He was already starting to drift off himself. He brushed her back slowly. "Is she okay?"
"She's happy."
That hurt. A lot. It's what he wanted, sure, but that didn't stop it from hurting. "Good," he whispered.
She wasn't going to tell Harry about Sam and how he was making Heather happy. None of it needed to be said. "Yeah."
"Does...does she..." He paused. He wanted to know if she hated him, or was angry, but he also didn't want to know. He didn't know if he wanted to know. Maybe she didn't think about him at all. Maybe that would be better.
Murphy sat up and looked down at him, "Why does she still matter? Because of your stupid decision to try and be with her you lost everything. It's been years, how can she still matter?"
He pulled back and looked at her. "Because. Because my stupid decision, over her, put me where I am today. Because I let my feelings for her change my entire life. I thought she...I thought I had something, and now I've got nothing." He shook his head and ran his hand through his hair.
"You did." And he couldn't ever have it again. "You should forget about her."
"I know," he said, snapping slightly. "It's just one of the few things I have to think about." He didn't intend on going anywhere near her again, but he couldn't completely forget the reason he wasn't home anymore.
"What are you doing to yourself, Harry? Ever since you folks..." She stopped. Asking about Harry's parents was just not the way to go about this.
"It's not about them," he said shortly. "What am I supposed to do? Go bouncing off merrily on my own?"
"There's got to be a way for you to be happy."
"I'm keepin' myself busy."
"But you still needed to come here."
"I needed to see you."
"Well, you've seen me. Maybe you should go now." She looked away, the words were difficult to say.
His head dropped and he studied the ground as he got to his feet. "Okay," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. He slowly wiped his palms against his legs.
She crossed her arms tightly over her chest to keep from reaching out. He had to go and she had to let him. They didn't have a choice, either of them. "Take care of yourself, Harry."
He knew why she was being cold, but he didn't have to like it. He was burning inside. He'd said goodbye to her once, that hauntingly emotional night that she made him leave, and he couldn't do it again. "Nice night out," he mused quietly. He started to walk, before quickly dropping on all fours and running off through the woods. He didn't want her to see him falling apart.
She heard him running, felt his scent getting weaker and weaker. There was only so much she could take. In a second she turned to her wolf form and threw her head back, howling a long, lonely sound in the night.