excuse me while I pretend to care............
where do I start. Do I want to share my tired emotions or just BS my way though yet another entry.
These are the choices life is made of I guess.
for a long time I have been holding these feelings inside for along time and they might not get completly expressed in this entry,hell they may only make sense to me in the end of all this but I am in the mood to write, so bear with me or just don't read it I couldn't give a fuck.
I can't remember the last time I was really ok. not Happy just ok, you know the theory for everything there is the opposite for every positive a negitive for every death a life, I am a bit of a wallflower and that sounds hard to beleive escpecially if you know me, but i am the extra in life, I am there I have my moments in the sun but for the most part I am in the backround, the guy sitting in the back who mimics a good time with someone he doesn't really know. I am the joke to your drama. I used to write these letters in my notebook at school, They would sometimes go a page or two and I would write to fictional people about all the things i saw in a day or what was happening at that minute, I used to write about how i was invisible and could do anything and not a person would notice and yu may think how can a 250 pund 6'5 man be invisible, but beleive me I was a shadow, I would saya ghost but even they get noticed from time to time. I could walk down the most crowded hallways and listen to a thousand familiar voices have conversations and not be reckognized by a single one of them. I could throw an apple at two lunch ladies in the middle of lunch and not get in trouble then watch as french fry thrower get removed. be at the party or not be at the party and not get noticed on it either way. where is it going? be damnd if I knew. eveyday I work from 12-8 am, every moring I sleep and wake up in hope of a disaster to have killed me, but it doesn't. I just want to know I am loved that I am needed the I am appreciated, I don't want to be taken for granted I want to be someone special to someone. I want the hate to leave my heart I want the pain to leave my soul, I want to get a hammer and break someones face, I want to hold someone down and just kick them in the face I want to destroy everything. Cyincally smiling while shooting. I want to see blood hit the floor, I want to put my hands on someones throat and stop there beating heart. The emotional pain I have every second of everyday I want to physically infilict on someone and scream right in there face "this is what I go through everyday, everytime you smile in joy I swallow my pain, And this is how is feels to be me" my life is a crowbar to the back of the knee and heel kick to the face. I am always dark and always alone, naked in the cold barren land of lost souls, and no one can ever understand, they can never walk in my shoes put themselve in my positon, I am broken but stronger than you, death hurts the ones you love, but you'll never know what it takes to be alive, go walk a mile in my shoes you'll take two steps and the shit I feel will make you kill yourself. my hands are shaking and I can't see straight cuz I am dead tired.
I'm Sinking like a Stone in the Sea