I harvest more pain than anyone will ever know
So many things are making my mind and my heart so heavy that I cannot sleep.
This quarter life crisis is really starting to hit me hard. It is smashing into me so you can say.
I spoke to Matt and he admitted to ignoring me for the past few weeks, and although he said it himself that we are friends it still is hurting me but I believe that there is an underlying issue with that. He admitted that he needs to appreciate me more instead of ignoring me which I told him that I'm not his mom or his girlfriend so he doesn't really owe me anything. I just feel now that he said it that he has treated me life shit. I really do deserve a lot and now is when I am starting to realize it.
I am having a crisis with figuring out what I want to do with my life. My biggest fear is being a nobody by the time I'm 30. No masters and still living at home. Which there is noting completely wrong with but I do to want to do what I am doing for the rest of my life. And I realized how much I told myself back from life and the things I need to go out and experience. Like gaining experience in my field and looking into things that will help my future.
Also dating is another issue, i feel like the majority of people around me are in relationships that will or have lead to marriage. And I feel like I will end up alone not because I'm picky but because whomever I want in life does not want me back. I wish I could learn to accept this but I don't know why. Y head won't wrap itself around that idea. I want to date older guys because they have it together but then again what do I have to show for it? I have a BA I only work part time and I live at home. No one has the money or wants to move out so I am stuck. Although I have it together I feel like it isn't enough. I remember L said that he hopes one day I will look into someone's eyes the way I looked into his. Maybe, maybe not. God only knows what happens.
Not to mention friends, they are pretty non-existent at this point. I only have acquaintances because no one seems to be a real friend anymore. I miss having a really good friend that I can do things with. And/or I need to learn to go to public places alone the only thing holding me back is how dangerous it could be because of how much worse the world has become.
So I basically feel like a loser that does not know what she is doing and is alone.
I do feel so much better getting this out.
Goodnight
Xoxo