R.I.P to the girl you used to see...
So many things have been happening lately
First I will start with the split from the guy I was seeing. Although I knew it was coming it does not make it any easier, but deep down I think it's because I miss having someone around to do somewhat fun things with ( he always liked to drink and Im not too much into it). He's a sweet guy and I feel bad because I was his first example of dating someone..I hope I did not give him a bad experience.. I feel bad too because he was a guy that was in my circle of people I hung out with. But it's not fair that during the last few weeks I was meeting other people, like this guy that works at the gym, or the guy that works at Subway. Today I saw this picture that said " So many girls fall in love with the wrong guys simply because they wrong usually says the right things". This deeply affected me because maybe that is what has been going on with me. I have this thing called the 4 month curse..because when I date a guy usually at the 4 month mark things tend to be broken off. I know it has to do with me but I have not figured it out yet. It may be because I get scared or I am over the honeymoon phase and reality sets in and I realize I don't have a future or any business with this person. There has only been one exception to this curse and that is when I got my heartbroken..I guess Karma really is a bitch.. The exception to the rule popped back into my life and a part of me is happy but at the same time I have a wall the size of The Great Wall because I don't want karma to be a bitch to me again. I know he can tell but I don't know if he really understands where I am coming from and why I am so hesitant about opening up to him. I even lied to him about when my birthday is! I mean that's a whole different situation. The people who care about me already know what day I was born and that's all that matters. Anyways I just feel like my heart and head can't take anymore let downs or heartaches. I remember the day we stopped talking vividly..I remember feeling robbed of my happiness because he really was my "high" in life just because it was always a new adventure and that's the type of relationship I value. I cut off all contact because I knew I couldn't be friends especially right away. So I did what I always do and picked up the pieces and put them in their place and moved on. Unfortunately he will always have a place in my heart and there is nothing i can do about it. I don't want t expect anything from him because I know I what is meant to be will be. I also know I will feel stupid if I am left again to pick up the pieces.
Second..My mother was diagnosed with Lupus which is an autoimmune disease where the body starts attacking itself. She says that the Dr said it's a mild case but I know she is scared. Every time I see her on the computer she is either researching it or looking at some type of support forums. I know she is being strong for the family but I know she is scared and although she drives me crazy I love her so much. I can tell she got scared when Toni Braxton (who also has the disease) was hospitalized because of something having to do with Lupus. Luckily it has been kept under control but you just never know what will happen.
Even though this doesn't deeply affect me, I am always think about how dumb I can be. In the past month both my credit card and my debit card information got stolen and people attempted to use it. Seriously?! I don't even have that much money! I have more debt than I do money (I am sure most people have that problem). School and work are beginning to pile up too, I felt like I had a firm grip on things but lately I feel like i have been slipping. Luckily I have this week to catch up and get it together. I know I can I just have to refocus, I realized though that I like to be busy because it keeps me going. Volunteering for the helpline I think also gives me perspective, it also makes me realize that I am where I am supposed to be in the field. Talking with other people I realized that it takes certain type of people to do that and actually care about it. I have also been seeing a career counselor because I had a freak out moment about my life after graduation..and we have narrowed my options but I still haven't picked what I am going to do. He is leaning towards me being an Occupational Therapist, they make close to $85,000 annually which is great but I have no idea what it is they actually do, so I have to do my research on that.
Today I realized that things that were bothering me got to me because I cleaned out half of my wardrobe and put it on eBay without getting tired of it..luckily it is spring break so I have sometime for it.
Another routine is doing something drastic when there is a drastic change in my life. This week I made an appointment for my hair and this is what I have decided what I am going to do with it..
I think it is time for a change. Especially since my hair is more wavy than it is curly I told myself that whatever I will cut it all off later in life when I am not working at HotDog.
So many things I have going on in my head and I feel like the certain "friends" I had are superficial unfortunately. And I know one of them still talks to me because I bought tickets to a murder mystery show that is scheduled to happen after graduation. The girl and I are not really speaking much at all only to keep in touch for the show. Like I was told that everyone in this world is out to only look out for themselves, there are not many people like me who always do so much for the people I care about..I guess things are meant to be this way and I just need to learn how to deal. I remember when the girls I hung out with told me that I need to live a little. Im sorry that I a still going to school while you're working 3+ odd jobs. I am trying to be the best that I can be right now, I want to be a total package girl, I don't plan to live off someone in the future I want to be able to take care of myself and right now I am working towards making that happen, Fun will come in between or after and besides who says that I am not enjoying my life? Just because Im not out partying and drinking every night doesn't mean I don't have my own type of fun.
I feel like my thoughts are all over the place, I believe it's because when I write everything comes rushing out because I don't really have anyone that I can tell these things too. I can only think of one person but she lives 70 miles away and we are both pretty busy. We always make the time for each other when we need to though which is great. I just really need to get my head out of my ass and get my shit together, my hormones right now are not helping either but luckily it's only temporary if you know what I mean.
Thank you for listening, I feel a whole lot better and I feel like I can move forward with the funk I was kind of in
xoxo
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