5-7 i fucking hate this
I have been having crazy mood swings lately. I will go from an extreme low to an extreme high. This is not good for me. I'm not pmsing. Sigh. It just hurts because I will go from being completely suicidal to hopeful and happy about life and me. It's not healthy.
I've been trying to depend on people less and in doing so I am slowly learning that some of the things that I get upset about are not my fault and are completely warranted, but at the same time some things aren't. I'm feeling less depressed everyday, but at the same time I feel lost in life. I feel alone in everything that I do and I need that but it still sucks. Lately I feel that I have no one to go to when things get bad, I have no one to talk to anymore. I guess that is why I have been writing in here a lot recently.
I haven't found anything to live for yet. I can't live for others because others don't seem to care. I'm just a burden. And in realizing this it kind of makes me actually want to live for myself. Something that I haven't wanted to do in a long time. But at the same time I am a horrible person and worthless and have no reason to live. So living for myself just isn't a good enough reason to live.
I really wish I could live for me, and for others. I have kind of numbed myself from loving others right now. I have to, or else I will just be hurt by stupid things all day long. I find it difficult to put trust in it. And that hurts so bad because that isn't who I am at all. I love people it's what I do. But I have to change and I have to do it on my own. Without help and without medication. And this is how I guess I am doing it. I don't know if it is going to work in the end or just help make things easier.
I just wish that I could make it go away and just be happy and normal. That's all I want right now in life. And it is just extremely difficult doing this on my own. I knew it would be hard though. I just wish that there was some way to make it easier.
I also wish that cough medicine was never a part of my life. I regret it fully.
I've been trying to depend on people less and in doing so I am slowly learning that some of the things that I get upset about are not my fault and are completely warranted, but at the same time some things aren't. I'm feeling less depressed everyday, but at the same time I feel lost in life. I feel alone in everything that I do and I need that but it still sucks. Lately I feel that I have no one to go to when things get bad, I have no one to talk to anymore. I guess that is why I have been writing in here a lot recently.
I haven't found anything to live for yet. I can't live for others because others don't seem to care. I'm just a burden. And in realizing this it kind of makes me actually want to live for myself. Something that I haven't wanted to do in a long time. But at the same time I am a horrible person and worthless and have no reason to live. So living for myself just isn't a good enough reason to live.
I really wish I could live for me, and for others. I have kind of numbed myself from loving others right now. I have to, or else I will just be hurt by stupid things all day long. I find it difficult to put trust in it. And that hurts so bad because that isn't who I am at all. I love people it's what I do. But I have to change and I have to do it on my own. Without help and without medication. And this is how I guess I am doing it. I don't know if it is going to work in the end or just help make things easier.
I just wish that I could make it go away and just be happy and normal. That's all I want right now in life. And it is just extremely difficult doing this on my own. I knew it would be hard though. I just wish that there was some way to make it easier.
I also wish that cough medicine was never a part of my life. I regret it fully.