lots of thinking....
So I got the job at Universal. So yay money and yay a job that might be fun. I got to choose between dr. doom, jimmy neutron, The posiden show, or ET!!! I love ET!! So I am going to be working at the ET ride and my orientation is Monday then I have more orientation all weekend.
But yeah. I need to chill the fuck out with things. I have just been so depressed lately. Lool. Well, more than usual... More just sad and less suicidal. More to the fact that calling those people is still on my list of things to do. Because I can't handle this anymore, so much that instead of falling into it I am going to try to get out of it.
I felt happy tonight. I loved life for the first time in a long time. I know that I am in a blurr and honestly can't remember the past couple of days, but I felt happy at one point tonight and it was the best feeling in the world. And yeah it is wonderful and stuff but I want to be happy SOBER again. I need it. I want it.
At the end of the night I am always going to be sad. And I just want to wake up one day and be normal again. I don't want to have to work at it to be happy, I want it to come naturally. And at this point I am seriously willing to do whatever it takes to be happy again. I want to love life again because I was reminded tonight of what that is like.
I've never really had to choose between people to hangout with. (I've never really had two different groups or people want to hangout with me.) I really need to start being there for jimmy. He is choosing a sober path for the most part. I should tag along for a couple of those rides.
I have been treating everyone pretty crappy lately. And i'm sorry for it all. I have been super selfish lately, just getting my way and such. And I can see how I can be self-involved. And well I'm sorry. I really am. And I am sorry to myself, if that makes sense to anyone out there?
I really thought about my life tonight. One of my biggest issues is that I am still beating myself up for the person I have become. I changed a lot in the past year. I want to be the old me just with this added fun. It can't be like that. I fell into a world of drugs and depression and mostly a world of "whatever, I do what I want."
But I am so ready to just be out... and I actually want it now. That's the most important part. I'm ready for this new stage. I needed this night to just wipe it all away. I need to stop feeling guilty about these things that I have in my past. They are over... and I can't change what I have done. I need to stop wasting my life in this depression. I want to enjoy this time right now. I have enough friends and family who I love and who love me. And that's all I need. [Even if it means having to watch Legends of the Hidden Temple sober, as long as there are awesome people around I'm good. But watching it high is so much better, man some of those kids are so awkward and they can never put that fucking monkey together!!!! Lool.]
So tonight I wipe it away. I wipe away these suicidal thoughts, this cough medicine addiction (forty something days or another), these thoughts of people not loving me, my past mistakes, my urge to leave reality, turning to drugs, my grudges, and whatever else.
In conclusion:
-I'm not happy about the way I have been treating people lately.
-I had a super awesome day and night. :-)
-I am really excited about this new job!! It's something different and challenging, and it will be a change that I need and want.
-I won't wake up tomorrow and be all better just cuz I want to be, BUT I am on a new path.
-And the thing though is that I mean it.
Another 6:23am morning. I am not going to cry myself to sleep tonight, I am not going to pass out, I am going to go to sleep happy. Something I haven't done in a while.
(Not spell checking or putting on private, or cutting, or anything... too lazy)
PS: I found Theo sleeping in my bed when I came home. Lool, fucking barzzz!
PPS: Hellogoodbye- Here (in your arms) is fucking awesome.!!
But yeah. I need to chill the fuck out with things. I have just been so depressed lately. Lool. Well, more than usual... More just sad and less suicidal. More to the fact that calling those people is still on my list of things to do. Because I can't handle this anymore, so much that instead of falling into it I am going to try to get out of it.
I felt happy tonight. I loved life for the first time in a long time. I know that I am in a blurr and honestly can't remember the past couple of days, but I felt happy at one point tonight and it was the best feeling in the world. And yeah it is wonderful and stuff but I want to be happy SOBER again. I need it. I want it.
At the end of the night I am always going to be sad. And I just want to wake up one day and be normal again. I don't want to have to work at it to be happy, I want it to come naturally. And at this point I am seriously willing to do whatever it takes to be happy again. I want to love life again because I was reminded tonight of what that is like.
I've never really had to choose between people to hangout with. (I've never really had two different groups or people want to hangout with me.) I really need to start being there for jimmy. He is choosing a sober path for the most part. I should tag along for a couple of those rides.
I have been treating everyone pretty crappy lately. And i'm sorry for it all. I have been super selfish lately, just getting my way and such. And I can see how I can be self-involved. And well I'm sorry. I really am. And I am sorry to myself, if that makes sense to anyone out there?
I really thought about my life tonight. One of my biggest issues is that I am still beating myself up for the person I have become. I changed a lot in the past year. I want to be the old me just with this added fun. It can't be like that. I fell into a world of drugs and depression and mostly a world of "whatever, I do what I want."
But I am so ready to just be out... and I actually want it now. That's the most important part. I'm ready for this new stage. I needed this night to just wipe it all away. I need to stop feeling guilty about these things that I have in my past. They are over... and I can't change what I have done. I need to stop wasting my life in this depression. I want to enjoy this time right now. I have enough friends and family who I love and who love me. And that's all I need. [Even if it means having to watch Legends of the Hidden Temple sober, as long as there are awesome people around I'm good. But watching it high is so much better, man some of those kids are so awkward and they can never put that fucking monkey together!!!! Lool.]
So tonight I wipe it away. I wipe away these suicidal thoughts, this cough medicine addiction (forty something days or another), these thoughts of people not loving me, my past mistakes, my urge to leave reality, turning to drugs, my grudges, and whatever else.
In conclusion:
-I'm not happy about the way I have been treating people lately.
-I had a super awesome day and night. :-)
-I am really excited about this new job!! It's something different and challenging, and it will be a change that I need and want.
-I won't wake up tomorrow and be all better just cuz I want to be, BUT I am on a new path.
-And the thing though is that I mean it.
Another 6:23am morning. I am not going to cry myself to sleep tonight, I am not going to pass out, I am going to go to sleep happy. Something I haven't done in a while.
(Not spell checking or putting on private, or cutting, or anything... too lazy)
PS: I found Theo sleeping in my bed when I came home. Lool, fucking barzzz!
PPS: Hellogoodbye- Here (in your arms) is fucking awesome.!!