I need to write to clear my mind
In orlando now. A day and a half late then I was supposed to be. Oh well. The drive was forever long cuz there was so much traffic.
I am really glad to be back home. It is just an overwhelming since of happiness and comfort. Although I know that I will be missing my family tomorrow.
So I am pretty much whatever about this whole nonsense. I am still not completely over it... it isn't something I can just let roll off my back. It's one where things change because of it. Reality reminded me of my place in the world.
I hold grudges, that is just the type of person I am. And I realized that I have been holding a grudge against myself. I really do hate myself. I can't even think of one thing that I like about me. I can't think of one thing that I am good at, besides failing. And I really just want to hurt myself so badly. And sometimes I sink into my depression adn don't try to get out of it because I feel like I deserve it.
So tomorrow starts me making myself do things that I don't want to in order to make others happy and be responsible. I can't drop/fail out of college... it would kill my parents.
These are two songs that I fell in love with over break.
Stone Sour - Socio
I remember now, but I still have my doubts
I think it's gonna be today
Everybody came, but it's just not the same
Why did it have to be today?
Now my chest is tight - no, I am not all right
It doesn't have to be this way
Why does it have to be this way?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG
IT'S LIKE I'M TOO FAR GONE
IT DOESN'T MATTER, ANYWAY
FEAR IS IN MY HEART - JUST WHEN I STOP, IT STARTS
AND I CAN NEVER LIVE THIS WAY
Freedom is a cage - no sun and too much rage
I don't know how much I can take
Push it down inside, but it knows just where I hide
I know that "normal" is hard to fake
Bleeding into life - it's like a thousand knives
Are slowly turning me to this
Why does it have to be like this?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG
IT'S LIKE I'M TOO FAR GONE
IT DOESN'T MATTER, ANYWAY
FEAR IS IN MY HEART - JUST WHEN I STOP, IT STARTS
AND I CAN NEVER LIVE THIS WAY
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG
IT'S LIKE I'M TOO FAR GONE
IT DOESN'T MATTER, ANYWAY
FEAR IS IN MY HEART - JUST WHEN I STOP, IT STARTS
AND I CAN NEVER LIVE THIS WAY
I lost again, today...
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG
IT'S LIKE I'M TOO FAR GONE
IT DOESN'T MATTER, ANYWAY
FEAR IS IN MY HEART - JUST WHEN I STOP, IT STARTS
AND I CAN NEVER LIVE THIS WAY
LIVING WITH A CURSE, SOMETIMES IT'S EVEN WORSE
IT SLOWLY KILLS ME EVERYDAY
SOMETHING I DESPISE IS GONNA TAKE MY LIFE
I GUESS I'LL TRY AGAIN TODAY
Bright Eyes - A Perfect Sonnet
Lately I've been wishing I had one desire
Something that would make me never want another
Something that would make it so that nothing matters
All would be clear then
But I guess I'll have to settle for a for a few brief moments
And watch it all dissolve into a single second
And try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
Or one foolish line
Cause that's all that you'll get
So you'll have to accept
You are here and then you're gone
But I believe that lovers should be tied together
Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
Left there to drown
Left there to drown in their innocence
But as for me I'm coming to the final chapter
I read all of the pages and there's still no answer
Only all that was before I know must soon come after
That's the only way it can be
So I stand in the sun
And I breathe with my lungs
Trying to spare me the weight of the truth
Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
You've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
And laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
Wishing you were a ghost
But once you knew a girl and you named her "Lover"
Danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
But autumn came, she disappeared, you can't remember
Where she said she was going to
But you know that she's gone
Cause she left you a song
That you don't want to sing
Singing, I believe that lovers should be chained together
Thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
Left there to burn
Left there to burn in their arrogance
But as for me I'm coming to my final failure
I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better
And ended up becoming something other
than what I had planned to be
All right
I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
And laid entwined together on a bed of clovers
Left there to sleep
Left there to dream of their happiness
I am really glad to be back home. It is just an overwhelming since of happiness and comfort. Although I know that I will be missing my family tomorrow.
So I am pretty much whatever about this whole nonsense. I am still not completely over it... it isn't something I can just let roll off my back. It's one where things change because of it. Reality reminded me of my place in the world.
I hold grudges, that is just the type of person I am. And I realized that I have been holding a grudge against myself. I really do hate myself. I can't even think of one thing that I like about me. I can't think of one thing that I am good at, besides failing. And I really just want to hurt myself so badly. And sometimes I sink into my depression adn don't try to get out of it because I feel like I deserve it.
So tomorrow starts me making myself do things that I don't want to in order to make others happy and be responsible. I can't drop/fail out of college... it would kill my parents.
These are two songs that I fell in love with over break.
Stone Sour - Socio
I remember now, but I still have my doubts
I think it's gonna be today
Everybody came, but it's just not the same
Why did it have to be today?
Now my chest is tight - no, I am not all right
It doesn't have to be this way
Why does it have to be this way?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG
IT'S LIKE I'M TOO FAR GONE
IT DOESN'T MATTER, ANYWAY
FEAR IS IN MY HEART - JUST WHEN I STOP, IT STARTS
AND I CAN NEVER LIVE THIS WAY
Freedom is a cage - no sun and too much rage
I don't know how much I can take
Push it down inside, but it knows just where I hide
I know that "normal" is hard to fake
Bleeding into life - it's like a thousand knives
Are slowly turning me to this
Why does it have to be like this?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG
IT'S LIKE I'M TOO FAR GONE
IT DOESN'T MATTER, ANYWAY
FEAR IS IN MY HEART - JUST WHEN I STOP, IT STARTS
AND I CAN NEVER LIVE THIS WAY
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG
IT'S LIKE I'M TOO FAR GONE
IT DOESN'T MATTER, ANYWAY
FEAR IS IN MY HEART - JUST WHEN I STOP, IT STARTS
AND I CAN NEVER LIVE THIS WAY
I lost again, today...
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG
IT'S LIKE I'M TOO FAR GONE
IT DOESN'T MATTER, ANYWAY
FEAR IS IN MY HEART - JUST WHEN I STOP, IT STARTS
AND I CAN NEVER LIVE THIS WAY
LIVING WITH A CURSE, SOMETIMES IT'S EVEN WORSE
IT SLOWLY KILLS ME EVERYDAY
SOMETHING I DESPISE IS GONNA TAKE MY LIFE
I GUESS I'LL TRY AGAIN TODAY
Bright Eyes - A Perfect Sonnet
Lately I've been wishing I had one desire
Something that would make me never want another
Something that would make it so that nothing matters
All would be clear then
But I guess I'll have to settle for a for a few brief moments
And watch it all dissolve into a single second
And try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
Or one foolish line
Cause that's all that you'll get
So you'll have to accept
You are here and then you're gone
But I believe that lovers should be tied together
Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
Left there to drown
Left there to drown in their innocence
But as for me I'm coming to the final chapter
I read all of the pages and there's still no answer
Only all that was before I know must soon come after
That's the only way it can be
So I stand in the sun
And I breathe with my lungs
Trying to spare me the weight of the truth
Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
You've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
And laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
Wishing you were a ghost
But once you knew a girl and you named her "Lover"
Danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
But autumn came, she disappeared, you can't remember
Where she said she was going to
But you know that she's gone
Cause she left you a song
That you don't want to sing
Singing, I believe that lovers should be chained together
Thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
Left there to burn
Left there to burn in their arrogance
But as for me I'm coming to my final failure
I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better
And ended up becoming something other
than what I had planned to be
All right
I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
And laid entwined together on a bed of clovers
Left there to sleep
Left there to dream of their happiness