me venting cuz I have nothing better to do
You know those little things that you look forward to, but then when it comes to it nothing works out? And you kind of get sad so you look for the positive in the situation. Sometimes you can find it. I can never find it. It's just something with me. Everything that I look forward to or get happy about seems to just be crushed. As of late it happens every time. I just don't get it!!!
I am bored and thirsty as fuck. I was like oh I'll go to the library and get a book then I'll go to the vending machine at the apartment and get something to drink. Anything as long as it is not Orlando water. And the thing is that I knew that something was going to wrong. I just assume these thigns because they always happen. I got ready and walked down stairs only to remember that my student ID is at Matt's. *sigh* So off to the vending machine only to find that it is all sold out. So here I sit writing this post and drinking Orlando water. Beth is such a bitch and I am sick of her shit. I just don't want to be in this room or this apartment right now.
I honestly should be freaking the fuck out. I'm not doing that well in two of my classes and I'm in so much debt and I have $2 to my name. I need a 2nd job cuz this job isn't giving me enough hours. But I just don't want to get another job. If I don't though I don't know how I'm going to pay my bills. It isn't even a how anymore, I just won't be able to. Nothing seems to go right with me as of late. And I am just so sick of it! I don't handle stress well. And the thing though is that it's all my fault. Every little bit of it.
And the worse part of it all is that all I can think about right now is how fucked up I need to be. Because I am 100% addicted getting messed up. I need it to breathe, I need it to be happy, I need it to live. And when you are on the outside you think "well why don't you just stop?" I once was someone who thought that it was just that easy. But it really isn't. Not for me. There is this mental and physical want that has to be met. If it isn't then my body screams at me. I can feel the pain of yearning in my veins. And then I just get sad and upset because I can't provide that. Trust me when I say that I am so fucking sick of drugs. I'm sick of everything about them. But yet I can't live without them. I am not going to lie about it. I couldn't stop even if I wanted to at this point. I'm in the process of trying to slow down. It isn't working because I am just so stressed and depressed lately. But then again when am I not. But I am working on getting down to just smoking. Then eventually stopping that. October/November are just drug months. And I made a huge mistake with the trolling. Something that I will always regret doing. Because I am still in a funk because of it. I fucking hate xtc. And it hurts to see people I love doing it because I have never felt so much emotional pain in my whole life as I did with this stupid drug. I wish I could make people understand how it makes me feel to see them doing it. It hurts to a degree that I can't even describe. I would do anything to make it not exist. I can honestly say that I would never touch a drug again in my life if it meant that people I care about would never do it again. (under certain circumstances and time allotted for quitting.)
I'm not ready for the real world and it is coming upon me fast. I don't even want this fucking degree anymore. I don't care enough for it. Sometimes I get this urge to just call my mom and be like hey.... It wouldn't make anything better but at least I wouldn't be hiding this life from her anymore. Honestly, all I want and need right now is someone to help me. I don't know how but I know I need it. I just want someone to care. To just be there. But I've given up on that, along with most of the things in my life. I'm just at that point where I have to wait for things to get better. I am stuck in this shit phase. If things get any worse I don't think I'll be able to handle it.