sleeping death
waking life was amazing. it's one of my new favorite movies. it pretty much illustrated everything that i think about. it's all in animation but was filmed. i recommend it to everyone. i dont' know much else to say except that i'm nauseated at the moment. i should be doing hw. but marcus always procrastinates. i spoke yet again to more interesting
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Living for love is pointless, because despite everything on the subject, love isnt eternal. Plus there's no guarantee you'll ever find love, and (this is a mindfuck) what if what you define as love is what someone else would define as love. Like you keep saying a lot of things cannot be conveyed fully using language, anyway love not all that good of a thing to live for in my opinion.
I guess the conclusion i've come to is that you have to find something for yourself to live for. This is a slippery concept in my head but I'll try to explain:
Almost 2 and half years ago (September of 2002) I was struggling with suicidal thoughts. After deciding certainty of life is preferable to uncertainty of death, I told my mother and attempted to get some help. Through out this ordeal, I kind of came to the conclusion that I needed to find a reason to keep going, and in a somewhat pompous sort of way I decided that there's so much I could do, that it'd be a waste if I just gave up and died. Maybe that wont work for you, but maybe it'll give you a springboard.
As for 'being happy'. I've gone through various levels of depression since 7th grade essentially. I've found that sometimes being depressed isnt such a bad thing. Being happy to me is over rated, to me being what you want to be, or feeling how you want to feel is more important. Which leads to the question: What is it I want?
Hope I provided some insight.
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You're most certainly and absolutely right. I just recently learned that a friend of mine is on anti-depressants (sp.?). I guess the concept of taking drugs to make you feel happy boggles my mind too. Maybe being depressed is healthy as you so aptly put it. Most of the simplest things I think of evolve into this beast or monster of a concept with so many heads - not unlike the hydra. I don't know anymore and I'm not sure how many times I'll have to say that before I reason or figure out that something IS worth living for. It's just a huge paradox and one that is attacking me with the same vigor and tenacity of a virus, infecting me and crippling me to the point of that death - figurative or literal - which I'm trying to grapple with. But I do indeed look at the most intelligent people, like you for instance, and how those people manage to keep going - T.S. Eliot comes to mind - and I get lost in a labyrinth. A long, vast, infinite labyrinth. I can't and will never fathom your intellectual reasons. All I can do is admire and look on with jealousy. =) Take care.
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The idea of anti-depressants bugged me as well, but dealing with depression without drugs is a lot harder. I dont take pills in general if it's something I feel I can cope with, it's one of my quirks I suppose, but I feel that if I can get past a simple headache without self medicating I can get past larger things that come along.
The best thing I can say though is that it's important to keep living despite having these monsters. In my own experience it seemed that by defying your own brain's ability to incapacitate you, you force yourself to explain your actions, which may lead to your purpose for living. Or use friends and others as a crutch until you find one for yourself. I dont imagine you'd commit suicide, but curling up into the fetus position intellectually isnt much better. Keep fighting, and keep exploring the labyrinth, you may not find your way through any time soon but it will happen eventually.
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As for your brilliant advice: I'm not so sure I'll go through with it. I mean, that type of life seems so appealing (the kinda life where you live for the people you love and care about). There's an indescribable feeling that you get which emanates such immense warmth and safety. I don't know. And I think I won't know until my death. But thanks. I can't say that enough. Have a terrific day.
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