(no subject)
So yeah, a year ago today that my grandad died and I cant help thinking about how much has changed. I know hes not coming back but if he did what would he think? I dont live at home anymore, dont have the same job, same friends, same phone ( i know this is petty but just work with me on this). Everyone keeps telling me that hes looking down on me but if he is does he just feel like I've replaced him and moved on with my life? Its a horrible feeling knowing that youre never gonna see someone again. And all i keep thinking about is all the times that i was annoyed at him or didnt want to spend time with him. Towards the end I just thought it would be better for everyone if he died, my nan wouldnt have to look after him, he wouldnt be in pain, but now I just feel loads of guilt like it was my fault he died when he did, because I gave up on him. So because I feel guilty I dont feel like I've got the right to cry and miss him because in a way I got what I wanted. But I so havent, theres this big gaping hole in my life where he should be and it doesnt go away. ever. Grr I hate myself.