im chasing a deception
i hate to say this but...i cant seem to ever be truly happy anymore....its like a constant feeling of depression, about the only time it doesnt affect me is when im with bree,and jess when i see her, maybe a few other people. its really starting to worry me, there is just no reason to be this down all the time, and over stupid stuff too, well ok stupid stuff combined with everything else thats affecting me, but i donno i guess thats life right, maybe i'll grow out of it. ill start with today, well now im bored out of my mind...went for a walk...got more depressed so came home, but before that i got up at five for a meet out by gurnee mills, what great joy. actually it was almost fun cause they played awesome music throughout the whole thing (we're doing warm-up and im singing at the top of my lungs...). i cut half a second off my fifty free....and placed sixth out of 15 jv swimmers, not too big but i was proud. won my heat, the second fastest heat, in the hundered free and got a purdy yellow-green carnation. placed third in both jv relays. it was a good meet for us i suppose....got to see margo swim with sobey in the coach/captain relay (yes we came in last but she put up a good fight). then i thought you know id go home with dad...WRONG...we went to the local car dealership cause he wanted to test drive a miata....stupid becky went along with this still high off of the meet.....oh god i almost died, well that would be my fault. thats the first time ive been in a small convertable car with him since the accident and granted he didnt know how to drive it well and there was a big blindspot on my side of the window i had no clue what he was doing and he almost ran out into a very busy intersection....and i almost broke down. yep fun stuff. yesterday was not too special i dont suppose...all aside from wanting to punch erick (whom will never understand who i really am, only that im "not a normal 17 year old" or that i "have the mind of a thirty year old" or that im " so mature" oh stuff a sock in it you dont know the half of it and i doubt that you ever will....) in the face....maybe i will next time he picks me up screaming and yelling (I have the freaking right to carry my own backpak thank you very much)...lost my train ticket...took another stupid bio test. yeah then we had our meet and both of my parents were supposed to come BIG MISTAKE...mom missed my first two events..one of which the hundred fly i cut three seconds off of, and dad missed my first three cause he 'spaced out'...moms mad at me too for not spending time with her, not telling her things, and what ever else she can think of...including the summons she got from court which apparently stated somethining involving her and drunk and i definatly did not say she was drunk so thats on my head, whatever dad said that ended up in there was not from me and he was assuming so i was pretty darn mad about that one too. last weekend i spent almost entirely with bree, which was awesome haha i love sleeping in her corner!!! yep we went to the game on friday...umm yeah not proud of that....then on saturday we slept and slept and slept and wait oh yeah we had turkey sandwiches and watched family guy haha and then slept and got ready for the dance...ah the dance now that was interesting i have to say that she looked absolutly amazing, as did jessica....the two of them i swear...so purdy. well it was a fun dance tried teaching my walrus dance to the freshmen swimmers but they were too embarassed to do it which is fine they'll only regret it later (like everything else in life) which acutally brings me to something i was considering earlier today...i cant let go of things, this is not a new realization but rather a rerealized realization if that makes sense....i cant get rid of the things that happened in the past so ive decided ive just got to be more careful with thingst hat happen in the future which we all know i wont be...take the situation now for example but yea.....we had fun at the dance i think, although jess and blaine did leave early, but then bree and i just danced with meghans group...hahaha and it was thanks to her suggestion that well that i had fun and now am obsessing...yah ill admit it is obsessing but that will stop as soon as i figure out theres no reason for it (see i have this problem with hope and being that i have so much of it for this hopless thing its gonna hurt really bad when i realize its hopeless). but yeah so that was cool...then we went to pizza hut haha as usual and she showed off her purdy dress...and we got parfaits at jewel and yeah it was fun. sunday was a disaster but i did get to see her soccer game...an absolutly awesome player! and then help dye her hair at least hte black part. and yes that week fed into this one and next will feed into the next. i dont want to go back to school on monday...weekends are the only chance i get to breathe and even then they're busy...cause if they arent i get freaking bored like now, but i came to another realization today: i dont know why im doing what im doing, maybe that sounds crazy but i dont have a clue. why do i swim? why do i feel the need to be a part of NHS? why do i do any of that junk...and why is it so important to me that i do it and get upset when i dont....i dont get it i dont understand why i need to do those things to fulfil myself, but if you think about it it really doesnt help im still not happy you would think that by fulfilling oneself it would make them happy or at least give them something to be proud of...i donno i just dont get it. ooh yeah thats what i forgot, when i got home on sunday shannon and amy were home and they were watching van wilder and i wanted to see a part so i ran in the room tripped over the vcr and wham fell and hurt myself....really killed during practice but its finally getting better. and then we played truth or dare, and well now the whole neighborhood knows what our well our unmentionables looked like hahaha, and amy wont drink anything shannon and i give her now(er well maybe she would but she shouldnt) and i wont ever let those two come near me with blow pens....it took four days to get rid of that stuff....thats like eight showers and three dips in the pool are you crayzy!!! haha yeah but anyway i think im off to go sulk in my room some more....for lack of anything better to do....yeah alright byebye