(no subject)
Yesterday I had this discussion about how I'm a pessimistic person... and I suddenly started to think about what made me into this bitter/cynical person that I am today. I understand it's necessary to make sure that only the best of the best rise to the top of society, but at the same time, nothing is worse than beating some one down. When I left high school, I felt like I could conquer the world. There I was, top of my class, pick of colleges, happy, and in better shape than most people. And some where in my niave mind, I assumed it would always be that way: I would rise to the top at Notre Dame, as I have every where else I've ever been. But I was wrong and now, after three years of pre-med, I am used to be continually beaten down and being mediocre. In fact, I accept it and still manage to keep my head semi-held up. Yet some how, with all these beat-downs, with the "you're worthless unless you have a 3.9 when applying to professional schools," I've forgotten who I am. The fun, the optimism, the excitement about the future....it's gone. And I look at what I have to look forward to, and I don't even care any more.
An example.... I've wanted to be an RA since the moment I walked in to Notre Dame. I nailed my interviews, I did every thing that I could have, yet I still don't think I'm gonna get it....and it annoys me that I set myself up for failure and that I actually take it and pretend that I don't want things that I've always wanted solely because I'm scared to admit that I have failed. I've failed myself in college: the girl who felt like she could be any thing. And now, I hear myself making the statements I always resented about how I might not be good enough to get the job I want this summer, about how maybe my personality is not as great as I always thought it was, and now about what I want to do with my future. It's not me not knowing....it's me beaten down, in a way that I've never been before. I don't talk in class because I doubt my ability to have creative answers. I don't want to even try to apply to dental school because the fear of not getting in and having to be beaten down for four more years scares me.
When did I become a wimp? I remember standing in the parking lot of the diner and telling some one that fear is what stops people from living passionately. I remember believing that passionately. And now? Where's the passion? Not here. The fear has taken over. And I hate it.
An example.... I've wanted to be an RA since the moment I walked in to Notre Dame. I nailed my interviews, I did every thing that I could have, yet I still don't think I'm gonna get it....and it annoys me that I set myself up for failure and that I actually take it and pretend that I don't want things that I've always wanted solely because I'm scared to admit that I have failed. I've failed myself in college: the girl who felt like she could be any thing. And now, I hear myself making the statements I always resented about how I might not be good enough to get the job I want this summer, about how maybe my personality is not as great as I always thought it was, and now about what I want to do with my future. It's not me not knowing....it's me beaten down, in a way that I've never been before. I don't talk in class because I doubt my ability to have creative answers. I don't want to even try to apply to dental school because the fear of not getting in and having to be beaten down for four more years scares me.
When did I become a wimp? I remember standing in the parking lot of the diner and telling some one that fear is what stops people from living passionately. I remember believing that passionately. And now? Where's the passion? Not here. The fear has taken over. And I hate it.