Rest Your Head, I'm Permanent [04/??]
Title: Rest Your Head, I'm Permanent [04/??]
Author: cookiecoins
Pairing: Jalex
POV: Jack's
Summary: Sometimes a moment's goodbye is not enough for a love that lasts years. And no-one is ready to let go; not yet anyway.
Disclaimer: I own no-one in this story and nothing to do with their lives are controlled by me. This is completely fictional. The title belongs to David Cook.
Author Notes: Should I just apologise for being so lazy? Sorry for this being rubbish, too.
chapter one
chapter two
chapter three
5th November, 2010
The postman regards me warily as I tap my feet and wring my hands in anticipation. I bite my lip; my teeth sink somewhat painfully down as I watch his slow deliberation over the letters in his hands. It’s been a month, and we’ve hit a routine: the postman sees me in the morning, waiting on the front porch with accusing eyes. The postman is painfully slow as he sorts through the letters, until he finally slips the bills and pizza leaflets into Rian’s letter box.
It has been a month.
Every day I think the postman is getting slower and slower as he peers at the addresses on the letters.
Today is no different, apart from the fact that my patience has dissipated to nothing. As he walks up the drive, feet following one after the other, breath passing slowly through his lips. He hovers by the letter box, staring at the papers in his hands with nothing more than a bland curiosity. My teeth clench
“God damnit, man, give me the letters!”
The postman jumps at my voice before hurriedly thrusting the letters in my hands and rushing down the driveway. I huff before sorting through the letters. Bills, Chinese takeaway menu and
“Alex” I whisper, a grin making its way across my face and a small sensation rumbling in my stomach. His crisp writing is on the envelope, and once again it has no address written on it; just my name. I frown, wondering who gave the letter to the postman, but shake my head and tear open the envelope before my brain starts racking again. That’s all I’ve done for the past month, sit and wonder, sit and remember.
Sometimes Alex would sit with me, but every day it seems like he disappears for a little longer than normal. Something in the pit of my stomach worries at that, but I’m willing to look past it. I open the letter, and scan the writing with a small familiar smile before I begin reading.
Hey Baby,
It’s Fireworks night, and kisses under starry night skies means that romance is in the air
I frown, before realization hits and I groan “Oh God, please don’t let this be-”
Have a shave. Wear some cologne, you stinking fuck. You’re going on a date.
“You’ve got to be kidding me, Al”
No, I’m not kidding. Your date will arrive at seven. Now suck it up and be a gentleman for once in your life.
I will always love you, Jack.
P.S. You better get laid
---
5th November, 2009
“This is it,” I pant, my hand pulling Alex to my side “This is the spot.”
The wind circles around us and bites at our cheeks, but here we’re safe; alone and far away from home. The city lights are only spots now in the distance, and the drive out here was worth it. This is where we can be alone and in love without any distractions. The top of the hill is deserted, and the view spans for miles. Alex is silent, but as I warily look for his reaction, he is smiling in disbelief. Biting my lip, I pull him over to a small spot, set up with a mat and blankets, a bottle of wine and glasses to the side with candles under glass covers surrounding us.
“Well?” I ask as I drag him onto the mat and into my lap. I nuzzle his neck and take in his scent, my lips instinctively replacing my nose. Alex laughs and pushes me away and I smile “You like?”
“Thank you, I love it,” he whispers and kisses me softly, pulling away after a few seconds with baited breath “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” I mutter and kiss him once more, before his neck cranes upwards.
“Wow” Alex breathes, his eyes wide and transfixed “look at that.”
My eyes follow his and I find myself looking up to the sky. Just above the hum of the city lights in the distance, a silence lingers with such life that I’m awestruck. Each fleck of light in the sky is so insignificant, tiny in comparison to the darkness that surrounds it, but when each tiny dot is pulled together, they light up the entire night sky, burning and blistering the darkness. My lips pull up into a smile; tonight was about finding each other, finding moments in which we don’t need words to appreciate our relationship. All the little moments we’ve found over the years, they’ve built to this moment, this universe we’ve wrapped ourselves in; we were the little stars in the night sky that made the darkness a little brighter when we found each other.
“Are you high?” I laugh softly and Alex chuckles in response
“No,” He says lightly, his gaze still fixed on the sky above, a small smile playing against his lips “can’t you see the stars, Jack?” his breath clouds above his mouth and vanishes into the night. Specks of light sparkle across his eyes and his hair falls gently to one side, exposing the faintest of dimples on his cheeks. And when his hand finds my own, and our cold fingers intertwine, the whole world seems to stop. Our hands stop shaking, our teeth stop chattering, and our bodies flood with a warmth unknown to science; we’re the two puzzle pieces in a universe of broken patterns and together we fit. Alex grins “The stars are dancing.”
---
The doorbell rings, 7 o’clock on the dot, and I suck in a breath. I’ve been staring at the door for the past half hour, questions and curses to Alex running through my head constantly. Now, as my hand shakes and I reach towards the door handle, my thought processes are no different.
“Jack,” Alex laughs to my right and I gasp at his sudden appearance “you’re not scared, are you?”
“No, I’m not scared” I hiss and shoot him a glare, before licking my lips, willing myself to open the door. Suddenly he’s at my side, his breath whispering against my neck, and his hands ghosts around my waist. I shiver and take a breath, my eyes slipping closed at the sensation and painful memory.
“Then open it” he whispers huskily, and I wrench open the door in a moment of frenzy, his presence vanishing as the cold November breeze blows into the house. And on the other side of the door with a timid smile, wrapped up in a thick winter coat and scarf with matching gloves, is someone I’d never thought I could handle seeing again.
“Sarah”
---
April
“Jack, what are you-” Sarah cuts into my reverie, peering over my shoulder to see what I was so transfixed by in front of Alex’s door. I haven’t moved for the past few minutes, captured by the sight before me. Once she notices, she whispers understandingly “Oh.”
Alex sits up in his bed, no lights on in the room, but the hospital blinds pulled back. His face is highlighted in an almost ghostly way as he stares outwards, his hands clasped together and his mouth muttering words incomprehensible. He looks almost mystical, an angel or a spirit that is bathing in the moonlight, his cheeks pale and his eyes drained. He is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on, the most terrifying and the most mesmerizing.
“What is he doing?” I whisper, scared to break out of the moment; knowing that if I blink that I could miss this moment of tranquil fragility. And with a small whisper of her own, Sarah’s admiration shines through her words.
“He’s praying.”
---
“Hi, Jack” She laughs slightly at my frozen state, before biting her lip and looking to her feet “So what,” She looks up and there’s still the playful glint in her eye and the chink in her smile of the Sarah I once knew “Are you just going to stand there or are you going to hug me?”
Without a moment’s hesitation I run over to her and engulf her fiercely in a hug, which she laughs at before wrapping her arms around me tightly herself
“I miss him” I whisper in her hair, and she stiffens for a moment before squeezing my body even tighter into her winter coat
“Me, too.”
---
April
I sway on the spot, my eyes scanning the silent room carefully. Soft lights illuminate the small room, and the emptiness is peaceful in a way. I chew my lip nervously as I glance around, unsure as to whether I should be here. Then I think of his face; the smile that had graced his lips and the way the muscles in his face relaxed when he began to speak. I take a breath and step in.
My footfalls echo noisily as I hastily move to a chair and I wince at the disrupted peace. As I slide into a seat, I look around again and still find myself alone. Then, with a suddenly determined feeling, I slide onto my knees, my eyes carefully regarding the altar in front of me.
“Hey, God.” I clear my throat, my body tightening at the sound of my own voice playing through the silence. I swallow back any previous fear I have before I continue
“I’m not really sure of how to do this...but then again I’m not sure of much these days.” I chuckle slightly, and study the lone cross hanging against the pale wall, my throat closing up as I think of the frail boy who lies upstairs, alone in his disturbed slumber.
“I’m scared, God.” I whisper, my voice escaping me “Scared to be alone, scared of Alex being alone.” I bite my lip and feel my eyes sting with tears “You’ll stay with him though, right? Even when I’m not there?” I feel a tear slip when I hear no answer and quickly wipe it away with a dry laugh “I told him I wouldn’t cry. But how can’t I cry?” My voice trembles with emotion and I take a moment to compose myself; my vulnerability being replaced with a suddenly scared anger
“Tell me how to be okay with this, because it’s not fair.” I mutter, my teeth clenching as I glare upwards, because I’d take away all of his pain in a heartbeat if I could, but I can’t; I feel so hopeless as my voice rises in a terrified shout “Why won’t you help him?”
The tears trail down my cheeks now, and as I slump backwards, my legs fold underneath me and I feel all of my energy drain away; I’m so tired of smiling all the time when I’m crying inside; and with that thought my stomach twists in guilt: how can I possibly be feeling sorry for myself when upstairs Alex twists in constant torment?
“I’ll hold his hand until the very last second, God, I promise.” I utter as I sit up and wipe my eyes again “And then after that you’ll take him;” my lip trembles and I look upwards imploringly “look after him, won’t you? Make sure he’s alright, never let him be lonely, make him smile.” I smile thinly at that and choke out my next sentence
“Make him feel alive when I can’t.”
With that, I rise on shaky legs and begin to move towards the exit, ready to go back upstairs and tell the love of my life all the reasons why I get butterflies in my stomach when I see him. I turn back for a final time into the empty room, and spot Alex standing still in the centre of the chapel, smiling peacefully at me in his hospital gown; his hand intertwined with another person’s. I know that someone is there, standing next to him: but when I look, my eyes tell a different story. I smile sadly.
“I don’t know if I believe in you... but I believe in him;” I close my eyes and draw in a long breath. When I open them again, I’m alone. My mouth opens before I leave the room “I won’t give up as long as you don’t, G.”
---
“He prayed for you, you know.” Sarah says absently, her eyes fixed on the water ring under her glass. The bar we’re in is crowded. Sarah and I have found a small booth along the side of the room, and the blonde-haired bartender has been more than happy to assist us with our orders ever since we walked in the room. I’ve seen him around before: Kyle, I think his name is; Alex used to talk to him a lot about music, but recently I haven’t been in the bar to endure Kyle’s flirtatious and vivacious attitude to life. Kyle’s eyes roved in my direction as soon as we walked in, and though I ignored it as I usually did, Sarah certainly didn’t.
“What?” I look up, snapping out of my memory and blinking back any tears at the thought of Alex.
“Every night,” A ghost of a smile graces her face, not the same smile I used to see before Alex left; Sarah has changed since I last saw her, her eyes are older and her smile less trusting. But then again, neither of us are the people we used to be; the time hasn’t changed us, but the pain has “Alex didn’t pray for world peace or a miracle to save him,” A shine glazes her eyes “he prayed for you: that you’d be happy, that you’d be strong... that you would find love after he was gone.”
I close my eyes. Breathe in. Breathe out.
“I know” I whisper simply in reply
“He always used to say ‘Sarah’” Her voice deepens dramatically, making Alex sound much manlier than he actually did in her imitation of him. I can’t help the burst of laughter that escapes my lips, and Sarah giggles too before continuing “’Imagine love like a pair of shoes’” I frown, waiting for her to carry on “’You’re shopping for shoes, and you find the perfect pair; beautiful, comfortable, attractive and exactly the right size for you’” Sarah’s smile thins out slightly “and then he said ‘Sarah, that’s just one pair of shoes on the shelf; how many other pairs are there to wear that are just as comfortable and attractive as the first pair?’” My eyes well with tears as I imagine the words coming from his mouth, the meaning behind his analogies “’I love Jack, and I always will’, he told me, ‘But Jack has the chance to find so many other pairs of shoes after me, do you see that, Sarah?’”
Sarah’s eyes mirror my own now, and we both hold in the tears bravely. She sniffs, her strong walls momentarily broken at the thought of Alex before she paints a smile back on her face “So,” she meets my eye carefully, her slender fingers playing with the rim of her glass as she leans inwards and motions towards Kyle, pouring a glass of wine with a kind smile to a customer “Are you ready to try on some new shoes?”
“I’m not here anymore, Jay” Alex whispers, his head nestled in the crook of my neck. His fingers trace along my knuckles and I follow them, watching them haunt every nook in my hand. My eyes sting as his voice drifts through my ears “You can’t keep waiting for something that’s never coming back.” And I didn’t want to hear the words, because I didn’t want it to be true, but as Alex tenderly kisses my cheek and removes his hand from my own, I know that he’s right “I’m just another pair of shoes, Jack.”
---
5th November, 2009
And in that moment, a crackle ripples through the air and sparks fly up into the darkness, streaking brilliant colours into the atmosphere. The beam of light explodes into hundreds of fragments before falling gracefully into nothing.
“Fireworks” I breathe, watching a mixture of reds, blue, greens and purples paint the night sky. The lights twirl and dance around one another, bursting a colourful life into something so quiet. The universe isn’t made up of carbon compounds, and stars aren’t gaseous forms of plutonium; the universe is beautiful. There’s a feeling of content that rushes through my body that I can’t explain, and my mind is encapsulated by the moment before I hear a sniffle to my side. As I turn to see my boyfriend’s soft features, illuminated by the lights in the sky, my smile falters and my heart skips at the sign of tears trailing down his cheeks.
“Alex?” I frown and squint to see properly the trails of water glistening against his skin “Al, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
“I don’t want to leave, Jack.” He blurts, his voice still just above a whisper, as if the moment will escape if we speak too loudly “This place, this moment, this life;” he breathes in deeply, and his voice shakes “I don’t want to go.” As he cries I lean over and kiss him, my forehead resting on his own and my body hovering above him. I take a deep breath in an attempt to stop my own tears at his quiet yet laboured sobs.
“You’re not leaving.” I whisper, pressing my lips to his again desperately, closing my eyes to the rest of the world; just wanting to feel the warmth of his body underneath me, just for a moment before life caught up to us “Not tonight. You’re not leaving me tonight, Alex.”