Rest Your Head, I'm Permanent [01/??]
Title: Rest Your Head, I'm Permanent [01/??]
Author: cookiecoins
Pairing: Jalex
POV: Jack's
Summary: Sometimes a moment's goodbye is not enough for a love that lasts years. And no-one is ready to let go; not yet anyway.
Disclaimer: I own no-one in this story and nothing to do with their lives are controlled by me. This is completely fictional. The title belongs to David Cook.
Author Notes: Reposting this from ATS. If you read/commented on this previously, then thank you - I appreciate all your comments.
I used to have a dream when I was a kid.
Maybe I didn’t have a dream like Martin Luther King, and maybe I didn’t want to change the world in a courageous act, but one thing I had always wanted was to make someone happy.
I didn’t want to take on large governments or world wars: I just wanted to feel as if I could change one person’s life for the better; if I managed to make that one person smile every day, then I would be content.
The first day I made Alex Gaskarth smile was the first day that my dreams were truly fulfilled.
---
“Hi Jack” the high-pitched squeal of Lisa Ruocco fills the room as her 13-year-old self skips over to my desk with a large grin
“Hi Lisa” I smile timidly before glancing back down to my comic book, anxious to see how Batman is going to defeat The Joker after his utility belt was destroyed in an epic battle just moments before. I need to finish this before class starts, but I have a feeling that Lisa is not going to let me do that.
Lisa talks to me a lot; my mom tells me it’s because she likes me that she always flicks her blonde hair over her shoulder and bats her eyelashes when I’m around, but I just think she looks silly. I guess she’s pretty, and her eyes are a nice colour, but I would never kiss her. I don’t really want to kiss a girl.
That would be disgusting.
“We have the new boy in our class today” she beams and leans towards me with an excited voice “I hear he’s from another country.”
“Like Canada?” I look up with wide eyes at this new information, the comic book forgotten under my fingertips
“Maybe he’s from Africa!” Lisa says with a wide smile, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that actually, Africa isn’t a country, it’s a continent.
“Africa isn’t a country” a timid and unfamiliar voice sounds from behind us, and we both freeze: red-handed in our gossiping. Lisa’s eyes travel to the voice, and I slowly turn around and follow her gaze. A young boy sways awkwardly behind us; large and messy brown hair, with large eyebrows to match underneath. His eyebrows might even rival the size of my own. I frown and take in his plain shirt covered by a sweater, skinny jeans and vans, before bringing my eyes back up to meet his own intensely brown ones. I’m captured by his gaze as he lamely finishes “Africa is actually a continent.”
“Oh,” Lisa giggles nervously from behind me, but I can’t bring myself to laugh at her misfortune; heat was flooding to my cheeks at the sight of this new boy, and the fact that I couldn’t look away from him was making it even worse “where are you from, then?” It’s just now that I realise that he has the trace of a British accent, but my throat seems to have closed up on its own account.
“England,” he answers softly and walks towards us “but I’ve lived here for a few years already, I used to go to a private school.” I break out of my haze at this and scrunch my nose
“Wow, you must be able to buy loads of comics, then” I realise what I just blurted and quickly blush, recoiling in on myself. Lisa lets a giggle escape as she sees my cheeks enflame, and I shoot her a glare.
But what surprises me was the sweet and innocent chuckle that leaves the young boy’s lips at my words. My eyes widen and my heart seems to spasm at the sound of it, and I feel my stomach squirm when he looks up and meets my eyes, smiling crookedly.
“Have you read the new Batman comic?” He asks and as I mirror his smile with my own, I know:
I just know that I’ve found him.
“I’m Jack”
“I’m Alex”
And I’m never going to let the boy who gives me butterflies go.
---
I feel an arm snake around my waist and someone’s warm breath on the side of my neck, snapping me out of my reverie. I smile when he speaks.
“What are you thinking about?” You can hear the curious yet playful smirk in his voice and I allow him to nuzzle my neck before replying
“The first time I met you.”
“Not about our outrageously good sex life?” Alex pouts a little and places a small kiss on my shoulder and I chuckle. He’s silent for a moment as he leans against me before he grins “You were one hot piece of ass back then.”
“That was a good day.” I smile, and look to him. He returns my smile with shining eyes and places an innocent yet loving kiss against my cheek, throwing me back into the blushing body of my 13-year-old self once again and sending electricity through my veins.
“Yeah, it was.” He whispers as he nestles himself back into the crook of my neck and sighs contentedly “But I still think you were fanatasizing about our sex.”
I laugh and nudge him playfully
“You fucking douchebag.”
---
“You fucking douchebag!” I roar as my hands grip the edge of a dining chair, knuckles turning white in rage. I can’t control the emotions running through me as the furious tears streak down my face and I pick the chair up and launch it across the room, narrowly missing Alex.
He doesn’t move. He was ready to take the hit.
He deserves the hit.
Of all the people in the world, it had to be him. It had to be Alex Gaskarth that I gave my heart to, and it had to be Alex Gaskarth who tore it away from me.
Alex stares in my direction with wide eyes, watching my heartbreak with unaffected eyes. He doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t need to.
He knows exactly what he’s done and he’s leaving me alone to deal with it.
The only sound that fills the apartment now is heavy breathing, and the tears still fall like razor blades across my cheeks. I can’t force myself to unclench my fists because I can’t force myself to stop thinking about the pain that’s splintering through my chest. My heart hurts.
Everything hurts.
And the man staring at me with those damned shining eyes across the room was the cause of it.
“Jack?” A concerned voice from the doorway breaks the tension in the air and causes my breath to hitch in my throat. Rian sways under the threshold, and I slowly wipe away any traitor tears from my face and let my breathing slow. Alex remains silent; he’s not planning on speaking anytime soon.
“Jack,” Rian tries once more, a little louder this time as he walks further into the room “are you okay?” As his hand finds a place on my shoulder, I flinch; Rian’s touch is unfamiliar and foreign against my body in comparison to his. Rian takes in my silence with remorse and squeezes his hold on me gently. One more stray tear escapes from under my eye and I silently curse myself for being so weak.
I hate myself for being such a wreck in front of him.
I hate myself for loving so easily.
“It’s alright, man, just keep it calm.” He says soothingly before he leaves the room, as if he were never there to witness my pain. I cast a wary glance towards the ever silent Alex, before sighing and running a hand down my face.
I move towards him and pick the chair up. My hands still shake as I sneak a glance in his direction, and before I know it I’ve lost control of my legs and collapsed to the floor, right in front of him, my eyes fixated on his own. I sniff and bring my hand to his face, tracing the creases in his smile with a watery smirk
“Sorry Al’” I whisper, my voice wavering with a choked sob. The guilt of my actions finally starts to sink in “I just miss you so much.”
His picture remains unaltered; bright eyes and a wide smile with hair swept over his forehead in that perfectly messy way. Such a weightless happiness reflecting in his brown orbs reminds me that once upon a time, even though it feels like a lifetime ago now, once upon a time we were happy.
Alex’s face is cold against my touch now, and all I want is to have him back in my arms.
I want the person, not the memory.
“Sweet dreams, Lex. I love you.”
Tonight, like every other night, I’ll fall asleep next to Alex’s ashes.
Author: cookiecoins
Pairing: Jalex
POV: Jack's
Summary: Sometimes a moment's goodbye is not enough for a love that lasts years. And no-one is ready to let go; not yet anyway.
Disclaimer: I own no-one in this story and nothing to do with their lives are controlled by me. This is completely fictional. The title belongs to David Cook.
Author Notes: Reposting this from ATS. If you read/commented on this previously, then thank you - I appreciate all your comments.
I used to have a dream when I was a kid.
Maybe I didn’t have a dream like Martin Luther King, and maybe I didn’t want to change the world in a courageous act, but one thing I had always wanted was to make someone happy.
I didn’t want to take on large governments or world wars: I just wanted to feel as if I could change one person’s life for the better; if I managed to make that one person smile every day, then I would be content.
The first day I made Alex Gaskarth smile was the first day that my dreams were truly fulfilled.
---
“Hi Jack” the high-pitched squeal of Lisa Ruocco fills the room as her 13-year-old self skips over to my desk with a large grin
“Hi Lisa” I smile timidly before glancing back down to my comic book, anxious to see how Batman is going to defeat The Joker after his utility belt was destroyed in an epic battle just moments before. I need to finish this before class starts, but I have a feeling that Lisa is not going to let me do that.
Lisa talks to me a lot; my mom tells me it’s because she likes me that she always flicks her blonde hair over her shoulder and bats her eyelashes when I’m around, but I just think she looks silly. I guess she’s pretty, and her eyes are a nice colour, but I would never kiss her. I don’t really want to kiss a girl.
That would be disgusting.
“We have the new boy in our class today” she beams and leans towards me with an excited voice “I hear he’s from another country.”
“Like Canada?” I look up with wide eyes at this new information, the comic book forgotten under my fingertips
“Maybe he’s from Africa!” Lisa says with a wide smile, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that actually, Africa isn’t a country, it’s a continent.
“Africa isn’t a country” a timid and unfamiliar voice sounds from behind us, and we both freeze: red-handed in our gossiping. Lisa’s eyes travel to the voice, and I slowly turn around and follow her gaze. A young boy sways awkwardly behind us; large and messy brown hair, with large eyebrows to match underneath. His eyebrows might even rival the size of my own. I frown and take in his plain shirt covered by a sweater, skinny jeans and vans, before bringing my eyes back up to meet his own intensely brown ones. I’m captured by his gaze as he lamely finishes “Africa is actually a continent.”
“Oh,” Lisa giggles nervously from behind me, but I can’t bring myself to laugh at her misfortune; heat was flooding to my cheeks at the sight of this new boy, and the fact that I couldn’t look away from him was making it even worse “where are you from, then?” It’s just now that I realise that he has the trace of a British accent, but my throat seems to have closed up on its own account.
“England,” he answers softly and walks towards us “but I’ve lived here for a few years already, I used to go to a private school.” I break out of my haze at this and scrunch my nose
“Wow, you must be able to buy loads of comics, then” I realise what I just blurted and quickly blush, recoiling in on myself. Lisa lets a giggle escape as she sees my cheeks enflame, and I shoot her a glare.
But what surprises me was the sweet and innocent chuckle that leaves the young boy’s lips at my words. My eyes widen and my heart seems to spasm at the sound of it, and I feel my stomach squirm when he looks up and meets my eyes, smiling crookedly.
“Have you read the new Batman comic?” He asks and as I mirror his smile with my own, I know:
I just know that I’ve found him.
“I’m Jack”
“I’m Alex”
And I’m never going to let the boy who gives me butterflies go.
---
I feel an arm snake around my waist and someone’s warm breath on the side of my neck, snapping me out of my reverie. I smile when he speaks.
“What are you thinking about?” You can hear the curious yet playful smirk in his voice and I allow him to nuzzle my neck before replying
“The first time I met you.”
“Not about our outrageously good sex life?” Alex pouts a little and places a small kiss on my shoulder and I chuckle. He’s silent for a moment as he leans against me before he grins “You were one hot piece of ass back then.”
“That was a good day.” I smile, and look to him. He returns my smile with shining eyes and places an innocent yet loving kiss against my cheek, throwing me back into the blushing body of my 13-year-old self once again and sending electricity through my veins.
“Yeah, it was.” He whispers as he nestles himself back into the crook of my neck and sighs contentedly “But I still think you were fanatasizing about our sex.”
I laugh and nudge him playfully
“You fucking douchebag.”
---
“You fucking douchebag!” I roar as my hands grip the edge of a dining chair, knuckles turning white in rage. I can’t control the emotions running through me as the furious tears streak down my face and I pick the chair up and launch it across the room, narrowly missing Alex.
He doesn’t move. He was ready to take the hit.
He deserves the hit.
Of all the people in the world, it had to be him. It had to be Alex Gaskarth that I gave my heart to, and it had to be Alex Gaskarth who tore it away from me.
Alex stares in my direction with wide eyes, watching my heartbreak with unaffected eyes. He doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t need to.
He knows exactly what he’s done and he’s leaving me alone to deal with it.
The only sound that fills the apartment now is heavy breathing, and the tears still fall like razor blades across my cheeks. I can’t force myself to unclench my fists because I can’t force myself to stop thinking about the pain that’s splintering through my chest. My heart hurts.
Everything hurts.
And the man staring at me with those damned shining eyes across the room was the cause of it.
“Jack?” A concerned voice from the doorway breaks the tension in the air and causes my breath to hitch in my throat. Rian sways under the threshold, and I slowly wipe away any traitor tears from my face and let my breathing slow. Alex remains silent; he’s not planning on speaking anytime soon.
“Jack,” Rian tries once more, a little louder this time as he walks further into the room “are you okay?” As his hand finds a place on my shoulder, I flinch; Rian’s touch is unfamiliar and foreign against my body in comparison to his. Rian takes in my silence with remorse and squeezes his hold on me gently. One more stray tear escapes from under my eye and I silently curse myself for being so weak.
I hate myself for being such a wreck in front of him.
I hate myself for loving so easily.
“It’s alright, man, just keep it calm.” He says soothingly before he leaves the room, as if he were never there to witness my pain. I cast a wary glance towards the ever silent Alex, before sighing and running a hand down my face.
I move towards him and pick the chair up. My hands still shake as I sneak a glance in his direction, and before I know it I’ve lost control of my legs and collapsed to the floor, right in front of him, my eyes fixated on his own. I sniff and bring my hand to his face, tracing the creases in his smile with a watery smirk
“Sorry Al’” I whisper, my voice wavering with a choked sob. The guilt of my actions finally starts to sink in “I just miss you so much.”
His picture remains unaltered; bright eyes and a wide smile with hair swept over his forehead in that perfectly messy way. Such a weightless happiness reflecting in his brown orbs reminds me that once upon a time, even though it feels like a lifetime ago now, once upon a time we were happy.
Alex’s face is cold against my touch now, and all I want is to have him back in my arms.
I want the person, not the memory.
“Sweet dreams, Lex. I love you.”
Tonight, like every other night, I’ll fall asleep next to Alex’s ashes.