blah blah blah

[cookie_commi]

i've been thinking a lot lately. it hasn't been the thinking i used to do, just the hyped up thinking and awareness. am i doing what i want to? is acting really for me? am i happy? am i lying to myself? why do i feel so apathetic towards everything? am i being inspired anymore? what am i doing?

we saw the notes jon took for antigone today. it was really difficult to not freak out. i did terribly. i knew that that audition was a hot mess, but i wasn't aware at how bad it was. it sent me surging.

i don't know how to describe this to anybody. i try bits and pieces, chewable for others, but it never really provides relief. i am so unenthused by what i used to be driven by. i used to breathe for theatre. now, i'm not sure. now, i don't know.

i'm looking for a meaning to everything. i'm trying to find a connection. there's nothing. i'm not there. it's not finding me anymore, and i'm not looking.

i hate it. i hate not feeling. dead dead dead. that's all i am. i keep making revelations but they aren't meaning anything to me. what's wrong? what is going on? i can't have peace.

i am angry. angry at myself, angry at the world, angry at what i can't be at the moment. i can't rest, i can't settle, every thing's moving, moving without me. i want to yell, but the words escape me.

i need something more.

i want to cry, find beauty, run around naked. but how?