today, among other emo shit
so, i haven't been able to feel lately. you know, like i used to. i feel like i've mellowed out. i know that part of being a teenager is having strong emotions and being sensitive to every little thing. i'm lacking that, yes, and thank god, but i feel like i'm lacking other emotions. i'm just not that sensitive anymore. shit. am i missing being a teenager? are we supposed to grow up and not be able to feel. it's just wrong, if that's so. i don't need to be overly emotional, but god dammit, give me something to work with. i feel dead.
but is this only due to my PTSD? i think all the time. about random things, random events, and nothing seems to relate. it's like my brain is spinning out of control, and there's no way to stop it. i'm not sleeping well because of it. i can't really tell anyone, cause no one really listens. or at least i haven't tried. i feel like i'd have to tell them about being raped and my mother, and it's not like i'm ashamed, i just don't feel like it's appropriate to being it up. i feel so exhausted about it. i just need a release. i need to stop thinking about myself. i need to stop being so selfish. i need to not be sick. i need a new problem.
but what if PTSD isn't the solution? what if i'm stuck with this. what if i never feel in the moment again?
i mean, i'm fucking listening to smashing pumpkins for god's sake.
i just... gah... fuck...
but is this only due to my PTSD? i think all the time. about random things, random events, and nothing seems to relate. it's like my brain is spinning out of control, and there's no way to stop it. i'm not sleeping well because of it. i can't really tell anyone, cause no one really listens. or at least i haven't tried. i feel like i'd have to tell them about being raped and my mother, and it's not like i'm ashamed, i just don't feel like it's appropriate to being it up. i feel so exhausted about it. i just need a release. i need to stop thinking about myself. i need to stop being so selfish. i need to not be sick. i need a new problem.
but what if PTSD isn't the solution? what if i'm stuck with this. what if i never feel in the moment again?
i mean, i'm fucking listening to smashing pumpkins for god's sake.
i just... gah... fuck...