My Continual Mistake
Well it's been so long since I've updated, that I figured I might as well do so now. Kidding of course. Anyway, I hope that what I am about to type makes some sense to some one, because I don't seem to be making sense to anyone right now.
Ever hurt someone that you really care about? Now I don't mean intentionaly, no that would make me evil and then I could change that. I mean unintentionaly, the worst kind. It seems that no matter what I've done lately I make irrational errors in emotion and judgment. (IEEJ for future reference) There is no reason for this other than the simple fact that I have lost all control over my emotions...wow...a breakthrough...
Well, time to go off topic a bit...or am I? I started this live journal on the belief that talking about, or in this case typing out your problems, be it personal issues or just something as simple as a customer issue at work, can help you to realise what the solution, or at least root of the problem is. *Every english teacher I've ever had just got a migrane* In doing this I hoped that this belief of mine would prove true again and it seems that is has. I have so much stress in my life right now that it has become unbearable. I would seek counciling if I could afford it, but I can't so I came here. I came here to do what I always do, find a way to fix it myself. Not always the healthiest of options, but it seems that I have alienated all of my friends with the exception of Hodge, many of these friends who have live journals themselves. With Hodge it is different. We are best friends and that entitles the two of us to push each others buttons just a little more than anyone else, but it would seem that I am pushing him away as well. To top off all of that I have exposed myself, truly exposed my self emotionaly for the first time in almost 3 years, and I chose to do this back to back with two girls that I care about. Maybe that has something to do with my loss of control. Given that I had closed up feelings of love for so long and then suddenly reopened them once, and then again shortly after that one had passed, maybe that could be a contributing factor.
The first was something that I had wanted for a long time and now I can see that it would never haved worked. I don't regret having given it a shot. We are still friends and will be for a long time. The seccond is the one I started writing about in the first place. I care for her so much...ok...I love her. I can't explain it, but I do. And I know she feels, or rather felt, the same way too. I know at this point I have pushed her away through my unintentional IEEJ's.
I may have lost her for good.
Wow, that hurt to admit...Odd how mood can change so quickly when you have lost control of it. I find myself looking back on how i've handled things since we started hanging out again, and I realize that I am an ass. I have no other word for it. I have no defense for myself other than I never ment to be.
So now comes the dilema; Where do I go from here? I try to do whats right and in the end I make the wrong desision because I'm so blinded by my emotions that I can't see the correct way out of this conundrum.
But is this truly a conundrum? A conundrum is an unsolvable puzzle and this one seems solvable with one exception...my unwilingness to solve it. I don't like the choices I have and only want the one option that is unavailable and thus I become stuck in this paradox.
What if I'm wrong? What if there is another answer that I don't see? What if I've become blind again to all possibilities and make the wrong desision again with her?
What if I'm wrong...
Thanks to those of you who made it through that insane ramble. It is only a taste of how my mind has been operating lately. I've been re-reading it and see that it makes little sense and makes me sound a bit nuts, but maybe I am. While re-reading this I found myself wondering if this is a mistake to post, but I've come to the conclution that it's not. Hopefully anyone who reads this will see the meaning behind all of my nonsense and will understand me, even if only for a moment. I seem to have trouble understanding myself anymore. Ah well. I had hoped that this would end with some positive note about how love conquers all, but it seems that may no longer be the case for me, at least not this time. But only God knows what the future might bring. May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
Ever hurt someone that you really care about? Now I don't mean intentionaly, no that would make me evil and then I could change that. I mean unintentionaly, the worst kind. It seems that no matter what I've done lately I make irrational errors in emotion and judgment. (IEEJ for future reference) There is no reason for this other than the simple fact that I have lost all control over my emotions...wow...a breakthrough...
Well, time to go off topic a bit...or am I? I started this live journal on the belief that talking about, or in this case typing out your problems, be it personal issues or just something as simple as a customer issue at work, can help you to realise what the solution, or at least root of the problem is. *Every english teacher I've ever had just got a migrane* In doing this I hoped that this belief of mine would prove true again and it seems that is has. I have so much stress in my life right now that it has become unbearable. I would seek counciling if I could afford it, but I can't so I came here. I came here to do what I always do, find a way to fix it myself. Not always the healthiest of options, but it seems that I have alienated all of my friends with the exception of Hodge, many of these friends who have live journals themselves. With Hodge it is different. We are best friends and that entitles the two of us to push each others buttons just a little more than anyone else, but it would seem that I am pushing him away as well. To top off all of that I have exposed myself, truly exposed my self emotionaly for the first time in almost 3 years, and I chose to do this back to back with two girls that I care about. Maybe that has something to do with my loss of control. Given that I had closed up feelings of love for so long and then suddenly reopened them once, and then again shortly after that one had passed, maybe that could be a contributing factor.
The first was something that I had wanted for a long time and now I can see that it would never haved worked. I don't regret having given it a shot. We are still friends and will be for a long time. The seccond is the one I started writing about in the first place. I care for her so much...ok...I love her. I can't explain it, but I do. And I know she feels, or rather felt, the same way too. I know at this point I have pushed her away through my unintentional IEEJ's.
I may have lost her for good.
Wow, that hurt to admit...Odd how mood can change so quickly when you have lost control of it. I find myself looking back on how i've handled things since we started hanging out again, and I realize that I am an ass. I have no other word for it. I have no defense for myself other than I never ment to be.
So now comes the dilema; Where do I go from here? I try to do whats right and in the end I make the wrong desision because I'm so blinded by my emotions that I can't see the correct way out of this conundrum.
But is this truly a conundrum? A conundrum is an unsolvable puzzle and this one seems solvable with one exception...my unwilingness to solve it. I don't like the choices I have and only want the one option that is unavailable and thus I become stuck in this paradox.
What if I'm wrong? What if there is another answer that I don't see? What if I've become blind again to all possibilities and make the wrong desision again with her?
What if I'm wrong...
Thanks to those of you who made it through that insane ramble. It is only a taste of how my mind has been operating lately. I've been re-reading it and see that it makes little sense and makes me sound a bit nuts, but maybe I am. While re-reading this I found myself wondering if this is a mistake to post, but I've come to the conclution that it's not. Hopefully anyone who reads this will see the meaning behind all of my nonsense and will understand me, even if only for a moment. I seem to have trouble understanding myself anymore. Ah well. I had hoped that this would end with some positive note about how love conquers all, but it seems that may no longer be the case for me, at least not this time. But only God knows what the future might bring. May God hold you in the palm of his hand.