hungarian horntail
we have been visiting colleges and doing film projects
and walking around marché jean-talon on saturday afternoon and buying candy at sucre bleu
and talking about books and movies (moomins dvd!) and just plain hanging out together
but i do not feel as if they were IT for me, there is something missing, as it always was.
i have always felt that i was there for something/someone else that is completely out of reach.
i do not care much for boys or going out to get my drunk ass on the dancefloor of a club, but still.
speaking of colleges, i shouldn't, but i do worry about them
not that i won't be accepted, but it feels (but isn't) like it's a life-altering decision
it makes me panic a great deal, but i don't think no one really knows,
as i am a master at hiding some feelings. anger not being one of them.
i drive myself and other people mad because i get mad at myself for being at mad myself
for getting grades on the verge of okay to me but amazing to most other people
i used to be a genius i used to be a genius can't you see
i wasn't third- or fourth-best i was the best the best the best
i got 100 in enriched math for this quarter, but it doesn't matter
i want to be the best in everything (except dance and phys. ed)
it is a problem. i do realize. in reality, i am not a competitive person,
not at all. the real problem here is me feeling like i am losing everything
that made me (different). what is a rose without petals, what is snow without cold --
'i think that behind your constant (raw, sarcastic, strange) joking,
there is something else that you are hiding' right right right, down, dig.
and walking around marché jean-talon on saturday afternoon and buying candy at sucre bleu
and talking about books and movies (moomins dvd!) and just plain hanging out together
but i do not feel as if they were IT for me, there is something missing, as it always was.
i have always felt that i was there for something/someone else that is completely out of reach.
i do not care much for boys or going out to get my drunk ass on the dancefloor of a club, but still.
speaking of colleges, i shouldn't, but i do worry about them
not that i won't be accepted, but it feels (but isn't) like it's a life-altering decision
it makes me panic a great deal, but i don't think no one really knows,
as i am a master at hiding some feelings. anger not being one of them.
i drive myself and other people mad because i get mad at myself for being at mad myself
for getting grades on the verge of okay to me but amazing to most other people
i used to be a genius i used to be a genius can't you see
i wasn't third- or fourth-best i was the best the best the best
i got 100 in enriched math for this quarter, but it doesn't matter
i want to be the best in everything (except dance and phys. ed)
it is a problem. i do realize. in reality, i am not a competitive person,
not at all. the real problem here is me feeling like i am losing everything
that made me (different). what is a rose without petals, what is snow without cold --
'i think that behind your constant (raw, sarcastic, strange) joking,
there is something else that you are hiding' right right right, down, dig.