Blah
I am in a crazy postion. Well i am with a Sweet and Loveing guy named Kieth. Hes great...but in all honesty. I am talking to Jay again..and i tryed so hard to forget him when he was gone..But, when u cry every damn nite because u dont hear his voice before u sleep, when u dont hear his "i love you"...it kills me, i couldnt just turn him away when he called me from the hospital. I am Inlove with him..i have been for 4 years..i wont Ever be able to be without him...and i no its a mutual thing...The actions, the words, the sounds...everything about him, he is inlove with me, he wont be able to live without me either. Aimee and i had a talk, she told me...that she knows he loves me the most, out of everyone..i am the one most likely to get him back. And i no this. and i Knew this...but i fucked up..i did shit to try to push him away, cuz i wasnt ready for Forever..He is Forever, he IS who i will marry...i no i was scared, i still am, but i wont let it get to me this time...i didnt wait for him, well i techically Did, but i gave him a time limit...and it wasnt enough time. I am giving him time this time, we had a talk about..Us, and were not "planning" on being together, only because..we think thats another place we went wrong, was with me, i can break up with ppl to be with him EASY.But he needs time, he needs time to know im gonna STAY...but all along..i thought he just needed time away from me and time to no if he really wanted me..but i was Stupid an foolish..Everything i think about..has to do with Jay, i realize this more and more while the days pas...i even let go of Travis..i mean i thought i was Inlove with Travis..but i realize..u cant be inlove with more than one person..u can love more than one person..but u cant be Inlove..and i havent talked to Travis since the concert..and guess what, i can talk about him, and miss him, without the pain of longing..like i get with Jay...With Jay i am away from him, and i Ball my EYES out...and being without him Hurts ALOT. but im making myself wait..it hurts to wait and be with Keith..but I no i need to, because i care for Keith, and i need him with me...i need him while Jay has a girlfriend..i no it sounds selfish..but i NO i wont be able to wait for Jay if i was single..bcuz ive tryed it..i cry more then i do now, i mean i cry almost EVRYTIME i talk to him..but its because the pain of not being His..hurts alot..Fuck im crying now..w.e. doesnt matter. He has hope for us, and so do i. im not letting him go...i wont fuck up this time. I love Keith, but i no hes not the one. and right now, hes the one im meant to be with, but Jay..is the one i meant to be with forever, and right now, isnt the time for US. we needed to grow up and realize shit..but honestly..it was Me who needed to realize what i wanted and things..i mean i broke up with jay EVERYTIME...at the time, i felt like they were good reasons, and ya no. They werent. But, i learned. I am willing now to stay with someone and work out my problems, Rich taught me that. I learned alot within the five months i was with Rich. I mean at the end, i realized i wasnt Inlove, but i did love him. I loved him ALOT. but i couldnt have been inlove with him..for i loved Jay more, and i thought about Jay...Everyday. as i have since we started dating. He is my everything. He is always there for me..as i am there for him. I wouldnt Ever be able to get over him. I hope i will not have to try..bcuz i already have...and it only strengthend my love for him...it made me realize, he is the Only one who is INNLOVE with me, the one he cares for Most, the one he Truly wants. We both have made mistakes, we agreed to let our past go, the bad parts not the good parts. I will never forget the happy things..but im slowly letting go of what happend, the only problem is..im realizing..most the time..it was me..who let go..I had alot of choices..but i didnt take them, i didnt wait..i even fucked his bestfriend..which i regret...bcuz i no it killed him..and honestly..i HATE myself for doing it...i was irrisponisble and very selfish. But thats not Me ne more. i have changed alot, and i change and grow up everyday. Because im letting myself think and im letting myself see..that it wasnt just him, i wanted to blame Everything on him..but it wasnt just his fault. I was FOOLISH, i am so dissapointed in myself. Im dissapointed in the fact i like Keith..and that im with him. I was going to hide it..but i told him, and hes OK with it..he told me that it wouldnt be fair to tell me to stay single, if he isnot...and we will be together evenually, and this time. I wont rush it. I will let things happen. I will let us have or time apart. and i will enjoy being with Keith. and he will enjoy being with Britany. And honestly...im not jelous of her..because i no that she may have him now, But he doesnt even no if he LOVES her..and i no he Deff loves me more than ne one else. I just hope he knows that that is all mutual. He gave up alot to be with me..and i just threw that in his face..and didnt shit for him...i was a HORRIBLE girlfriend..and it was cuz i didnt let myself show him my love, and i didnt let it last so i wouldnt get hurt. But when we go out again. I will show him more love than hes Ever seen...for i have had my practice in alot of things since we've been together, ive practiced showing my feelings..and with Alex..i let myself Completely love him(mistake but o well), tho ya no. It hurt Alot..but i got over him fast..what he Did hurt more than nowing it was Him...i was sick of showing mylove and getting fucked over in the end. But i no how to treat Jay now, i didnt before. I treated him horrably..and think...he Still loves me after EVERYTHING i put him through...and it was alot, i broke up with him almost every three or four weeks, i hung out with other guys when he told me he didnt like it(i NEVER cheated on him. just want that to be Very clear. Bcuz honestly..him and Alex, were the only two i havent cheated on..and i no, thats Horrible..its not that it was done on purpose, but it was mainly cuz i was with ppl, when i loved someone else and they came back to me..and yea i have already cheated on keith..but i dont know if i considder it cheating Yes some other guy kissed me, but, it was a friendhsip thing. He is inlove with his pregnant girlfriend and he said right after that i will Always be a friend. So its more just like we love eachother but as friends. I also Hope, and believe it was a one time thing. I mean i feel bad bcuz i love Keith, but like i said not to much cuz of who it was and what he means to me, hes like a big brother.), i didnt act like he was the one i wanted, i made him feel bad(ok i was talking to him..and he told me..he Misses me calling him a retard...thats how much i called him that..), i made him feel like shit on the bottom of my shoe...i could have made him so much happier, but i didnt. and i hate myself for it. i mean i will admit, there was alot of points where i was a good girlfriend, like i was Always there for him, i told him i loved him, i took care of him(like feeding him and tending his wounds and shit), it was just what personality was at that point in my life, i may have been hurt at that point, but i also hurt others just as much. And i may have been a bit of..not a slut, but i wouldnt stay with one person..i didnt fuck everyone. i have been with 12 ppl(not including Keith cuz Nothing has happend and i dont think it will)i am not proud of that number. after all..it was i think 8 when i started dating Jay...but like i said ive made mistakes, and i cant exactly correct them, but i can prevent them from happening again. and i changed. And now, with everything i have realized and Really Know it is what i realized..not realized as in a cover up to make myself feel better, i stopped doing that..i did that with Rich..it wasnt a good thing. i made myself hate things to cover things up that were My fault..i wasnt being true to myself. But i need to sleep its 1:19 am i was waiting for Keith to get home safely, hes home so sleep Yes Yes i will. Sschool is tomorrow. Wish me luck.