roughly this tim last year - not much ahs changed

[continue_being]

its still here, and it sets off at the slightest touch, then i think, who am i to be sad and depressed when i have the people in my life and the things in my life that i do?? possibly the best boyfriend, deffinately the best best friend, interst and family, and things that i like to look at, but the still small fear of haveing nothing and no one lurks around every corner i venture round, and ive been dodging left and right for so many years ive forgoten what a clear and open road longs for. i see peple sailing past me on their open roads while im spinning an ubundence of shifty and difficult corners. I hated eveying people and being jelous and i never did, and just accepted they were better than me, prettyer, cooler more popular, nmore arty, more knowledgeable, just more than i was, simply because these things would meen i would be sinning....but eventually it all came out and ate at me......silently, so it wasnt obvious but after talking with people it began to drag me down from the centre of me, i thought i was out of that...but apparently not. i know why im so scared of going out and seeing people, its because i know im such air next to them, a space in a room of people, colourless, lifeles, soules, drained, yet wile in these situations my mind just reels and reels, like a comic strip, im thinking all the time. ill sit in the pub and just take in my surroundings...then realise that im just a void. made of glass im cracked and scratched chiped and fogged....empty. i know i cant wish to be some one else, but i do wish i could be me...im not me now...only sometimes... i want to wear the clothes that make me feel like a girl, and floating/...not heavey, covered and bornign....i look shit all the time....i dont care that its not good to judge your self or want to look a certain way, i dont, i realy realy dont, i simply wish i could have the same feeling i have when im with people i love in a secure place all the time....sometimes i think.....and realise so many things, i hate what i realise....thinking about life the world....why does my heart break so easily. why do i keep quiet...why when some one say are you ok, do i nod and smile?? even if all i want is a hug, or to cry or just spill out my heart...i know maby one person will read this, and i congratulate and thank her if she gets this far....no one else will though, if that sounds selfish or worng its bnot ment to be ...its just evidence of all ive said.
i thought it was gone.....or at lest not as sensitive. all it took was someones list of friends.that took a bite out my heart.
x x x i protect those who have made me happy and continue to, in the safe part of my heart. i think there is some.....what ever