Getting it out
Well I will say this. Just when it looks like
there is hope for this rain cloud to lift....It
just starts raining harder. Today has been another
day...Like yesterday. Like the day before...Like
way too many days before that...The negativity
lingers over me like some oppressive force...I
find that I sink deeper and deeper rather then
making progress...I find that small moments of
happiness I cling to for all they are worth...It
sounds familiar. If feels familiar...It is how
I was like in Kansas.
Its the truth. How I would so desperately cling
to that moment...I would try so hard to set my
focus on that. Smile Jessica. Smile...You gotta
smile...You gotta...But I don't really feel like
smiling...I want to. But I don't feel it. Its
starting to become noticeable too...Like it did
before. Its kinda like...Draining the color away...
I fade and fade and fade...Until I am just a shadow
of what I once was...I'm not a shadow. But I am fading...
Why? Well I am certian there is much more to do with
it then what is just bothering me on the surface.
Nothing small gets me down this much. Nothing. So
I do realize that its probably a much bigger issue
that has only been growing and growing while I ignored it.
Right now I come here because I have no one to talk
to about it. No one to rely on right now but me...
This is a tool. A way to give my self a little
release...To put my thoughts in order...Maybe
to understand...
And you know what? I really don't want to admit
what is bothering me. I don't. I don't want to
say it because it is selfish. I don't want to say
it because its needy. I don't want to say it because
its weak...I don't want to....But I am not sure its
the right thing to do...
...A girl does not have the right to privacy over
such thoughts...She should be honest. She must be
or she will being doing both her and her Master a
disfavor. It is her responsibility. And yet....It
is also my responsibility to insure my Masters
happiness in any way I can. It is my responsibility
to communicate...It is my responsibility also not to
put an unnecessary burden on her Master....If she can
fix the problem her self, internally...And if it
is her own problem...Then rather run to her Master...
She should do it on her own.
So what now? There is conflict in my responsibilities.
There is conflict within me....But in truth...It is
getting no better...And I know my service will suffer...
Has suffered...So what now? Do I bite the bullet and
continue trying to sort this out? Or do I bring it
to more to his attention...Do I ask for help? Even if
it means burdening him? ....I don't want to...
Maybe this is...A test? He told me he wouldn't...No.
Not a test...A lesson? ...I feel as though I should
be learning something.But then maybe I am just grasping
at anything...........Maybe Jessie has become too
dependent on her Master...Maybe Jessie has become needy..
And selfish...Maybe Jessie has gotten to comfortable
with the comfort of the thought that her Master cares
for her so much...Jessie needs to stand up alone again...
Needs to stop being so reliant on Master...
Jessie
there is hope for this rain cloud to lift....It
just starts raining harder. Today has been another
day...Like yesterday. Like the day before...Like
way too many days before that...The negativity
lingers over me like some oppressive force...I
find that I sink deeper and deeper rather then
making progress...I find that small moments of
happiness I cling to for all they are worth...It
sounds familiar. If feels familiar...It is how
I was like in Kansas.
Its the truth. How I would so desperately cling
to that moment...I would try so hard to set my
focus on that. Smile Jessica. Smile...You gotta
smile...You gotta...But I don't really feel like
smiling...I want to. But I don't feel it. Its
starting to become noticeable too...Like it did
before. Its kinda like...Draining the color away...
I fade and fade and fade...Until I am just a shadow
of what I once was...I'm not a shadow. But I am fading...
Why? Well I am certian there is much more to do with
it then what is just bothering me on the surface.
Nothing small gets me down this much. Nothing. So
I do realize that its probably a much bigger issue
that has only been growing and growing while I ignored it.
Right now I come here because I have no one to talk
to about it. No one to rely on right now but me...
This is a tool. A way to give my self a little
release...To put my thoughts in order...Maybe
to understand...
And you know what? I really don't want to admit
what is bothering me. I don't. I don't want to
say it because it is selfish. I don't want to say
it because its needy. I don't want to say it because
its weak...I don't want to....But I am not sure its
the right thing to do...
...A girl does not have the right to privacy over
such thoughts...She should be honest. She must be
or she will being doing both her and her Master a
disfavor. It is her responsibility. And yet....It
is also my responsibility to insure my Masters
happiness in any way I can. It is my responsibility
to communicate...It is my responsibility also not to
put an unnecessary burden on her Master....If she can
fix the problem her self, internally...And if it
is her own problem...Then rather run to her Master...
She should do it on her own.
So what now? There is conflict in my responsibilities.
There is conflict within me....But in truth...It is
getting no better...And I know my service will suffer...
Has suffered...So what now? Do I bite the bullet and
continue trying to sort this out? Or do I bring it
to more to his attention...Do I ask for help? Even if
it means burdening him? ....I don't want to...
Maybe this is...A test? He told me he wouldn't...No.
Not a test...A lesson? ...I feel as though I should
be learning something.But then maybe I am just grasping
at anything...........Maybe Jessie has become too
dependent on her Master...Maybe Jessie has become needy..
And selfish...Maybe Jessie has gotten to comfortable
with the comfort of the thought that her Master cares
for her so much...Jessie needs to stand up alone again...
Needs to stop being so reliant on Master...
Jessie