Gender: the topic du jour.
Chie icon because Chie is awesome, and probably just about as confused as I am.
This comes up every now and again. I have no idea what to do about my gender.
I don't mind that people use feminine pronouns for me or anything, you know? That's not a fight I want to pick. But if you want to get into terminology, I don't think that "cisgendered" fits me at all. My biological sex and its related plumbing do not always coincide with the "appropriate behavior" for the female gender.
It's just that...
Sometimes I'm okay in my skin and I want to dress nicely, professionally. I want to wear dresses and skirts and rock a pair of heels that I am determined to walk in. And I want to act like a real lady, with dignity and poise, the kind of woman for whom a man holds doors and pulls out her chair.
and
Sometimes I want to wear button-down shirts and nice pants, and pull my hair back (or chop it short), and dress like a man of distinction. And I want to act with honor and courtesy, and hold doors open, and remove my hypothetical hat in the presence of a woman.
Worse still, why do I yearn for a time of manners that is long gone? And why do I want to play both parts? It doesn't work that way; not when I'm in a relationship like this. I want Jake to treat me like a lady, and I want to be distinctly courteous to ladies socially. But that would be weird and, well, not expected of another woman. We're supposed to be clawing each others' eyes out and all, especially at the catty college level.
It all has to do with how I act, which is not always with the refinement I want in myself and others. I still laugh at crude jokes and trash talk when I play video games. I try not to care when boys (because mentally, they are still boys) use really foul language in front of me. (At least sometimes they apologize to me afterwards.)
I'm stuck at the crossroads of being...
a 20-something in college, wearing jeans and a t-shirt and playing Halo with the boys who like that I'm different and don't give a shit and eat bacon cheeseburgers
and
a girl about to become a woman in some profession, who needs others to take her seriously, who is thinking a lot about serious social issues that she might tackle in a future classroom.
Do I have to be one or the other? Can I be both? Am I strong enough to be both? And how can I be both lady and gentleman?
I have to say, Jake and I were watching Criminal Minds together, and a song came on that made you wanna slow dance. So before I could move, he got off the bed, held his hand out to me, and we slow danced. It was the cutest thing to happen in a long time. Sometimes he pulls out my chair for me when we go out, and he helps me into my coat when we leave. I like all that. It's just, how can I be polite and the gentleman, too?
I'm driving myself in circles so deep that the kids doing donuts in the parking lot are in awe.