"here in the dark now, let the sun ignore me...everything's alright..even what aint good for me..."
I haven't been honest much lately. I've admitted many truths to myself recently, but by not admitting the BIG ONE to a certain someone I'm still lying to myself about what I am accomplishing here.
I've never put my emotions first, and "yes" it could be out of a lack of self importance. Then again, I know my worth and I know how lucky the person who ends up with me will be. Because my kind of being CAN'T just choose to cuddle with someone, date them a few times, or go from relationship to relationship. Sure, I can touch ANYONE ....fool around with ANYONE, and walk away guilt free, but that's becasue I know to seperate that from who I am. Physical contact means nothing to me; it goes for cheap (espacially in this city). I crave mental intimacy. To me debating art history is first base, discussing your favorite author is second base, giving me a new perspective is downright foreplay, and challenging me, or getting me to admit i was wrong is SEX.
So is it karma that is doing this to me? Seems pretty rough. The thought that keeps me awake at night, the knowledge that i have deep down....that inevitability of rejection...of knowing that im in love with someone I cannot have. What kills me also is the fact that there is so much I would sarifice, that I would, in fact, ENJOY sacrificing for him. I would feel priveleged to change part of who i am for someone who would change with me. But I know he is afraid, because he knows all this. He knows that if we open ourselves up we willboth spill all over each other.And I dont blame him for not trusting me to be strong enough to help build us both back up.
My theory is that he loves me but doesnt want to. Im everything he warns himself against. But the fact that, despite all that he still cant get me outo f his head should be a sign. But sometimes he is so analytical. Man does he choose the wrong times to romanticize life and the wrong times to be literal about it.
I love him so much I dont want to be a burden on him. I will wait until he can handle it. Or else I might loose my chance. I care enough to recognize what is the best thign for him. Plus, I cant loose him from my life. I need him at least as a friend, so I cant do anything that might compromise that. If only he knew that I really didnt want to fuck around anymore, that i just miss the days of holding him, of being 15 year old teenagers again.
"makes my silence stronger
take teh thrill of my anger
may i sleep through this heat
and wake up a stranger
ill smooth my heart down...long enough for the world to come around."
I've never put my emotions first, and "yes" it could be out of a lack of self importance. Then again, I know my worth and I know how lucky the person who ends up with me will be. Because my kind of being CAN'T just choose to cuddle with someone, date them a few times, or go from relationship to relationship. Sure, I can touch ANYONE ....fool around with ANYONE, and walk away guilt free, but that's becasue I know to seperate that from who I am. Physical contact means nothing to me; it goes for cheap (espacially in this city). I crave mental intimacy. To me debating art history is first base, discussing your favorite author is second base, giving me a new perspective is downright foreplay, and challenging me, or getting me to admit i was wrong is SEX.
So is it karma that is doing this to me? Seems pretty rough. The thought that keeps me awake at night, the knowledge that i have deep down....that inevitability of rejection...of knowing that im in love with someone I cannot have. What kills me also is the fact that there is so much I would sarifice, that I would, in fact, ENJOY sacrificing for him. I would feel priveleged to change part of who i am for someone who would change with me. But I know he is afraid, because he knows all this. He knows that if we open ourselves up we willboth spill all over each other.And I dont blame him for not trusting me to be strong enough to help build us both back up.
My theory is that he loves me but doesnt want to. Im everything he warns himself against. But the fact that, despite all that he still cant get me outo f his head should be a sign. But sometimes he is so analytical. Man does he choose the wrong times to romanticize life and the wrong times to be literal about it.
I love him so much I dont want to be a burden on him. I will wait until he can handle it. Or else I might loose my chance. I care enough to recognize what is the best thign for him. Plus, I cant loose him from my life. I need him at least as a friend, so I cant do anything that might compromise that. If only he knew that I really didnt want to fuck around anymore, that i just miss the days of holding him, of being 15 year old teenagers again.
"makes my silence stronger
take teh thrill of my anger
may i sleep through this heat
and wake up a stranger
ill smooth my heart down...long enough for the world to come around."