These habits are so hard to break, and they are so easy to make
I have a bunch to say. I hope I find words tomorrow.
For now, here are the words on my repeat.
Amy Millan - Losing you
Your eyes are like burned-out headlights, a little thunder in the night
I'm losin' you
You're walking around like you live a graveyard, get you the one with the cards
I'm losin' you
I guess I'll go
And I'll lock the door behind me
What's it for
When you've only got time you gotta leave behind?
You nod and smile like a lying stranger when I ask if you're doing all right
I'm losin' you
And underneath the hungary silence, fear is eatin' through
I'm losin' you
I guess I'll go
And I'll lock the door behind me
What's it for
When you've only got time you gotta leave behind?
I'm not the kind to beat you from behind
I'm not the kind to tell you you've been blind
I'm not the kind to put up a fight
I guess I'll go
And I'll lock the door behind me
What's it for
When you've only got time you gotta leave behind?
Your eyes are like burned-out headlights
A little thunder in the night
I'm losin' you
I always thought you were the one
I guess I still do
But I'm losin' you
I'm losin' you (2x)
You know what I can't help but write when I hear this music. Emily made me these mix tapes and they reminded me very much of my first set of mix tapes I received from a girl, a girl on this livejournal infact (you know who you are), and those tapes are my staples. The original three, the set of seven. The songs have set tone and rhythm to my life, to my beat. They teach me lessons, help me grieve through the most private of moments. Music always does that to me, but I love connecting so deeply with what a person has taken the time to truly express.
Life is stressful, for all the weird reasons. We are in a war with our neighbor; restraining orders, cops being called, fights and verbal attacks. Videos, pictures, sneaking and creeping. A three month fiasco that has completely devoured the neighborhoods lives. I am so tired of wondering and worrying what my unstable neighbors are going to cook up next to harass my family with. Its simply exhausting, especially when the authorities seem so unable or willing to help resolve the situation outside of legal aid.
I am growing less and less impressed with our legal system and the servings of Justice that are supposedly available to the average man. I try not to let my experiences dishearten me from hoping for better, but honestly, why hope so high when it all comes crashing down, hole in the wing.
My glass is half full, some times, believe me.
For a few weeks my dog has been sleeping by my side. I find this reassuring, I find this comforting, I like him knowing that I will be there for him when he wants me to be. I know he's just a dog, and maybe he can't really understand my devotion or love for his loyalty and gentle nature, but its definitely there. The way I want to protect him. I am scared the neighbor will literally poison my dog. I would not put it past him, I really can't describe the harassment that has been occurring. Every single night it is something else, with the exception of the last week since the restraining order was temporarily granted before the court date.
the allegations and blatant lies that he has filed against my father make my blood boil, I taste metal, I taste blood. I want to taste blood.
move on, move on, the records skipping
I wont forget the way you said move on, move on
there's no point in waiting
Move on move on, like the clock is pacing
the break of dawn and our hearts are racing
move on move on, there's nothing changing
move on move on, the records skipping
i wont forget, i wont forget the way you said move on
there's no point in waiting
I should be sleeping. need to be up soon. I probably will soon. lately that silence has been ringing in my ears. the void of another person to fill my empty moments. there is no one to ask to talk to, no one to rely on idle conversation with. friends are friends but the secrets that fall from the lips of lovers are different. they dont weigh as much, and if they do, its for different reasons. i dont miss the selfish games that we play with one another, i dont miss the trying to tip toe around a persons life feelings and ideals, but i do miss learning and challenging my every day with the foundations of another rocking my fragile little world.
how fragile we all really are, when the right person comes knocking on our doors
for everyone else in the world we may be strong as granite, without any other reaction being possible. yet some times we melt like molten eroded our resolve with the crawl of a persistent downpour.
I learn from every failure and for every so called victory. I am not sure I have truly had a victory that is sweet and meant to be kept solely by me, but I am working on it.
did i mention my new lawyer totally hit on me and it was kind of awesome?
i know i didn't. he was my fathers age. a lot of men lately my fathers age have been hitting on me. i think scars attract older women because I have been "through" something.
I need to write about the SCAR CLUB later. It really is a secret club. and guess what you need to be in? yeah that's right. face scars.
ive met three so far. i imagine i will have quite the collection of recollections soon. i need to document.
1) u-turn for christ lady, same mark, different spot, vitamin e. my first encounter with another person like me, same honda steering wheel, same mark. so weird. (five years)
2) book store lady - through the eye/nose, hardly noticed, "survivor" (thirty+ years)
3) gas station attendant - across cheek and forehead, older, "lucky to be alive" (un determined)
I hope I remember to document these women later. They have all helped me in different strange ways. Moments I will not let go of any time soon.
For now, here are the words on my repeat.
Amy Millan - Losing you
Your eyes are like burned-out headlights, a little thunder in the night
I'm losin' you
You're walking around like you live a graveyard, get you the one with the cards
I'm losin' you
I guess I'll go
And I'll lock the door behind me
What's it for
When you've only got time you gotta leave behind?
You nod and smile like a lying stranger when I ask if you're doing all right
I'm losin' you
And underneath the hungary silence, fear is eatin' through
I'm losin' you
I guess I'll go
And I'll lock the door behind me
What's it for
When you've only got time you gotta leave behind?
I'm not the kind to beat you from behind
I'm not the kind to tell you you've been blind
I'm not the kind to put up a fight
I guess I'll go
And I'll lock the door behind me
What's it for
When you've only got time you gotta leave behind?
Your eyes are like burned-out headlights
A little thunder in the night
I'm losin' you
I always thought you were the one
I guess I still do
But I'm losin' you
I'm losin' you (2x)
You know what I can't help but write when I hear this music. Emily made me these mix tapes and they reminded me very much of my first set of mix tapes I received from a girl, a girl on this livejournal infact (you know who you are), and those tapes are my staples. The original three, the set of seven. The songs have set tone and rhythm to my life, to my beat. They teach me lessons, help me grieve through the most private of moments. Music always does that to me, but I love connecting so deeply with what a person has taken the time to truly express.
Life is stressful, for all the weird reasons. We are in a war with our neighbor; restraining orders, cops being called, fights and verbal attacks. Videos, pictures, sneaking and creeping. A three month fiasco that has completely devoured the neighborhoods lives. I am so tired of wondering and worrying what my unstable neighbors are going to cook up next to harass my family with. Its simply exhausting, especially when the authorities seem so unable or willing to help resolve the situation outside of legal aid.
I am growing less and less impressed with our legal system and the servings of Justice that are supposedly available to the average man. I try not to let my experiences dishearten me from hoping for better, but honestly, why hope so high when it all comes crashing down, hole in the wing.
My glass is half full, some times, believe me.
For a few weeks my dog has been sleeping by my side. I find this reassuring, I find this comforting, I like him knowing that I will be there for him when he wants me to be. I know he's just a dog, and maybe he can't really understand my devotion or love for his loyalty and gentle nature, but its definitely there. The way I want to protect him. I am scared the neighbor will literally poison my dog. I would not put it past him, I really can't describe the harassment that has been occurring. Every single night it is something else, with the exception of the last week since the restraining order was temporarily granted before the court date.
the allegations and blatant lies that he has filed against my father make my blood boil, I taste metal, I taste blood. I want to taste blood.
move on, move on, the records skipping
I wont forget the way you said move on, move on
there's no point in waiting
Move on move on, like the clock is pacing
the break of dawn and our hearts are racing
move on move on, there's nothing changing
move on move on, the records skipping
i wont forget, i wont forget the way you said move on
there's no point in waiting
I should be sleeping. need to be up soon. I probably will soon. lately that silence has been ringing in my ears. the void of another person to fill my empty moments. there is no one to ask to talk to, no one to rely on idle conversation with. friends are friends but the secrets that fall from the lips of lovers are different. they dont weigh as much, and if they do, its for different reasons. i dont miss the selfish games that we play with one another, i dont miss the trying to tip toe around a persons life feelings and ideals, but i do miss learning and challenging my every day with the foundations of another rocking my fragile little world.
how fragile we all really are, when the right person comes knocking on our doors
for everyone else in the world we may be strong as granite, without any other reaction being possible. yet some times we melt like molten eroded our resolve with the crawl of a persistent downpour.
I learn from every failure and for every so called victory. I am not sure I have truly had a victory that is sweet and meant to be kept solely by me, but I am working on it.
did i mention my new lawyer totally hit on me and it was kind of awesome?
i know i didn't. he was my fathers age. a lot of men lately my fathers age have been hitting on me. i think scars attract older women because I have been "through" something.
I need to write about the SCAR CLUB later. It really is a secret club. and guess what you need to be in? yeah that's right. face scars.
ive met three so far. i imagine i will have quite the collection of recollections soon. i need to document.
1) u-turn for christ lady, same mark, different spot, vitamin e. my first encounter with another person like me, same honda steering wheel, same mark. so weird. (five years)
2) book store lady - through the eye/nose, hardly noticed, "survivor" (thirty+ years)
3) gas station attendant - across cheek and forehead, older, "lucky to be alive" (un determined)
I hope I remember to document these women later. They have all helped me in different strange ways. Moments I will not let go of any time soon.