Because I'm losing it...
It's 10:30 on a Friday night, I'm a living breathing citizen of Boston, and I'm stone cold sober in my dorm room. As this is making me crazy beyond all reason, I've decided that the next best thing is to update my LJ....how sad is that?
I haven't felt more like I needed to write in all of my life. But, due to recent events, I'm terrified to do just that. (brief news flash: susie and i just got chased up the stairs by a very drunk Alex who really wanted us to stay the night with him. really.) I spent the other night chilling with Sus while she did her work, and I decided to read my journal. All this did for me was let me re-live, piece-by-piece the relationship that he and I had. I got the chance to visually re-enact our trip to Common Ground senior year, his graduation, the summer...and I don't think that I can do that to myself again.
But I need to make myself okay again...and the only way I can do that is to write. I discovered this about myself a long time ago.
The truth is, I don't know what you are supposed to do when you come to realize that you aren't whole anymore. When you realize that pieces of you have gone missing along the path. I can't seem to put myself back together again. I know it has something to do with the way in which this all ended. I never thought that it would end with total silence and absolute heartbreak. I've never felt more that someone has turned their back on me so completely. And I don't understand. I actually left a psychotic message on his voicemail a couple days ago, which left me feeling...well, psychotic. And hurt. I find myself spending hours every day wondering why this is happening; what I did to deserve this. Is she really so intoxicating? Has she some how aquired all those things that I will never achieve? Suddenly I lack any confidence and I'm afraid to trust anyone again. I shake when I see couples, cry when I go to sleep, space out and make myself sick thinking about everything again and again and again, like a re-run of the situation is going to produce entirely different results. I am so very broken. Why am I losing myself, while he is gaining a new life? I wish he knew...but I'd be too afraid that he wouldn't even care...
I haven't felt more like I needed to write in all of my life. But, due to recent events, I'm terrified to do just that. (brief news flash: susie and i just got chased up the stairs by a very drunk Alex who really wanted us to stay the night with him. really.) I spent the other night chilling with Sus while she did her work, and I decided to read my journal. All this did for me was let me re-live, piece-by-piece the relationship that he and I had. I got the chance to visually re-enact our trip to Common Ground senior year, his graduation, the summer...and I don't think that I can do that to myself again.
But I need to make myself okay again...and the only way I can do that is to write. I discovered this about myself a long time ago.
The truth is, I don't know what you are supposed to do when you come to realize that you aren't whole anymore. When you realize that pieces of you have gone missing along the path. I can't seem to put myself back together again. I know it has something to do with the way in which this all ended. I never thought that it would end with total silence and absolute heartbreak. I've never felt more that someone has turned their back on me so completely. And I don't understand. I actually left a psychotic message on his voicemail a couple days ago, which left me feeling...well, psychotic. And hurt. I find myself spending hours every day wondering why this is happening; what I did to deserve this. Is she really so intoxicating? Has she some how aquired all those things that I will never achieve? Suddenly I lack any confidence and I'm afraid to trust anyone again. I shake when I see couples, cry when I go to sleep, space out and make myself sick thinking about everything again and again and again, like a re-run of the situation is going to produce entirely different results. I am so very broken. Why am I losing myself, while he is gaining a new life? I wish he knew...but I'd be too afraid that he wouldn't even care...