Time out of Mind
I'm becoming an MBNA drone again, and its making me a chain smoker. Jessie and I talked about it today when we were sucking on our ciggarettes on break. It's a fucked up feeling, hating your job so much but knowing that you need the money to just manage. I also hang out with Rae a lot more, which is flippin sweet. I swear, we are together every day, with Dre or just alone, driving. Its very cool...
To put it blandly, I just realized today that July is half over, and I leave for orientation in month. I'm scared out of my mind, and I dont really feel like talking about it, because I feel like such a loser for waiting for years to get out of here and now dreading it. It doesnt feel right that Rae and Nay and Lefe and I will be split up really for the first time ever. We were at the beach the other day, passing out on Rae's Minnie blanket, and I remember just looking at all of them as I feel asleep and thinking that I love them. Honest, real love.
On a side, and EXTREMELY AMAZING note, my sister comes home FOR A WHOLE FUCKING MONTH on Saturday. Which is sick beyond any reason of sickness. AND I get to meet Josh finally, which is going to be weird for me. Its something I never really imagined actually happening, the stage in our lives when we all really grow up and get married and move away and become double income families with kids and time to talk maybe once a week on the phone. I mean, I'm sure Josh is cool...but he still represents the loss of my sister, and a huge part of my childhood. It's time to grow up, though. The point of a Peter-Pan lifestyle has come and gone, and now I'm walking on the generic path of middle-class society. I want to shoot myself in the face.
p.s. Why am I no longer scared that we can't last? I can't imagine us any other way than together....
To put it blandly, I just realized today that July is half over, and I leave for orientation in month. I'm scared out of my mind, and I dont really feel like talking about it, because I feel like such a loser for waiting for years to get out of here and now dreading it. It doesnt feel right that Rae and Nay and Lefe and I will be split up really for the first time ever. We were at the beach the other day, passing out on Rae's Minnie blanket, and I remember just looking at all of them as I feel asleep and thinking that I love them. Honest, real love.
On a side, and EXTREMELY AMAZING note, my sister comes home FOR A WHOLE FUCKING MONTH on Saturday. Which is sick beyond any reason of sickness. AND I get to meet Josh finally, which is going to be weird for me. Its something I never really imagined actually happening, the stage in our lives when we all really grow up and get married and move away and become double income families with kids and time to talk maybe once a week on the phone. I mean, I'm sure Josh is cool...but he still represents the loss of my sister, and a huge part of my childhood. It's time to grow up, though. The point of a Peter-Pan lifestyle has come and gone, and now I'm walking on the generic path of middle-class society. I want to shoot myself in the face.
p.s. Why am I no longer scared that we can't last? I can't imagine us any other way than together....