Hey all
Obviously still alive and life is pretty damn awesome overall:) Lots has happened since last I wrote but most of it just boring regular life shit. As of October 1 of this year will have been here in jolly olde England for two years and will have been married to my beloved Master for two years as of January. Last year worked most of the time but this year have been experiencing the frustration of the longest term unemployed in my entire adult life. I must say there are parts of it that are good. Getting in better shape physically. While I havent lost anything like all the weight I would like my endurance is much higher and building some muscle under the fat so feeling pretty decent. Do have a crappy cough that just wont go away but finally got the doc to sign for me to get xrays so got lung and sinus xrays yesterday will have repeat appointment in a week to ten days. NHS free(well my taxes help pay for it but no charge at time of service) but not speedy:) I am about to go nuts on the not working thing. Have found that being shut up in the house for so long can really make me depressed. Most of the time I have figured out ways to calm and entertain myself but some days I find it so stressful. My dogs are happy about it though. Loving all the time for mommy to fuss them. LOL! havent really made any friends here. Have a few that I had from online before I moved here but really not one new one of my own. Have coopted a few of Master's and his family are awesome. My family was and is extremely disfunctional but his is so amazing. They really have taken me in as one of them and its pretty frikin mind blowing for me. I realize that its almost impossible for me to believe that people really like me and to let that in. I try and have brief moment where I feel it completely and deeply but mostly I try to believe it and enjoy it but cant really let it seep in. I know some of the why as its part and parcel of some of my issues with borderline personality disorder. I overthink things too. Sometimes I am a petty person. I dont like that much about myself but know that its part of who I am and while I feel petty from time to time I also know it passes and I would do just about anything for people I love so I am probably not nearly as awful a person as I think I am. A part of me is enjoying not working because then there is no having issues with the boss or hateful co workers. So much of my life has been made utterly miserable by work interactions. It seems I never get work social interactions quite right. I can get along and relate to most anyone but also occasionally tell people too much of what I am really thinking or feeling and step right over that invisible line. Then I retreat with blinding speed. Also, if I feel picked on I can get so deeply depressed and then become nearly non functional at work. A part of me is so afraid of going back to work because it will just be another crappy workplace experience where everyone will wind up thinking I am a freak and I will get fired or just let go. Being in my head is definitely not always the best place to be. I also find that too much time to think which is what all this being out of work has certainly provided me with, is not really great for me. Gah, sometimes it is being between the devil and the deep blue sea. Most days though, I know how blessed I am. I am married to a man who loves me to pieces and I feel the same about him. Just quietly being next to each other is so calm and blissful and I know I have it good. So that about sums it up for now. In a bit of limbo but quite warm and happy for the most and always blessed. Hugs and love y'all!